So It’s Come To This: The Courtship Recap Episode 5 — Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?
Check out last week’s recap here.
It’s a new week, and a new episode with a new completely inconsequential date activity! We return to the Morning After the Farewell Dance that saw Mr. Shanklin use the “L” word (“Lalalalala” — he was just doing his vocal exercises) and get sent packing with Mr. Castronovo to deliver a large pizza to Liverpool. All that Mrs. Baker and Nicole can talk about, though, is the passion of Danny B., Mr. Bochicchio. Nicole’s sister gets weirdly obsessed watching men make out with Nicole. No accusations, just an observation. Nicole feels like she’s been reassuring Mr. B for four episodes and she’s not seeing those same reassurances in return.
Meanwhile, at the Suitors’ Quarters, the men have somehow fashioned a Regency Era CrossFit gym. Dr. Hatem is doing one-armed push-ups while Captain Kim is doing that thing where you shake large ropes up and down. Do you think this is part of their normal workout regimen or is it like yard time in prison? Dr. Hatem tells us that it’s important he gets more time with Nicole to show her his athleticism. That is not where I thought that sentence would end. Is it meant to be a sexual reference? I truly do not know, because it’s possible he really does still want to show her how he can scale the outside walls of the castle. Like, is there anything more parkour than wanting to show everyone how much parkour you do?
Mr. Judge shows up with The Daily Tea, and I am now more obsessed with this publication than I was with Amtrak’s The National magazine after my friend used its tips to pick absurdly well for March Madness one year. I really expected the actual print on the DT to be like, “Ok, shitbags, you’re doing archery today. Shower and wear clean underwear,” but someone seems to be living their high school journalism dream on set.
Ok, sure, there are more references to the one Jane Austen novel the producers seem to have read, but then at the bottom there’s a whole “Local History” section about the Turtle Dove and a daily horoscope for at least one astrological sign! And there’s more we don’t even get to see on the other side! If you worked on this show and are reading this now and happen to have an issue of the DT from set, please message me. Anyway, back to the day’s events, they’re having an archery tournament (YAWN).
Also within the periodical is mention of a special guest. The suitors fervently hope it’s not yet another suitor (COULD YOU IMAGINE?). Mr. Mumbray reasons the guest is probably “someone of significance, for sure,” and boy, you cannot get anything past good old Mumbray. You think the Daily fucking Tea would deign to talk about some nobody? It’s the paper of record of the fucking Regency Era’s revival in 2022! They get the goods!
Who is the mysterious guest? My best guess was “someone good at archery.” As the carriage approaches, Nicole strains to look in the compartment and says, “If it’s a new suitor I will lose my mind.” (I will, too, Nicole. Some of us would like this series to tap out in like 10–12 episodes and at this pace you may be celebrating your 100th and still have like 11 suitors to go.) There are cuts of “No!” and “Shut up!” and a celebratory scream, but at this point I can’t tell if they’ve actually seen inside the cabin of the carriage or if the director was like, “Be excited! Yell at each other!” Surprise! It’s Nicole’s older brother Dom, who was forgotten at home like Kevin McCallister. Dom is here to suss out the men and protect his younger sister.
Mr. Remy lets Dom know that he should pay particular attention to Danny B., Mr. Judge, and Dr. Hatem. Mrs. Remy lets the women know that she and Mr. Remy “have to leave town” for a little while and are leaving Dom in charge. First of all, what a bizarre bit of staging, as if the Remys were not booked for the entire filming schedule. Did they have some errands they needed to run? Maybe they decided they needed something to do other than grill a bunch of weird dudes and sweat all day in multiple layers of wool. Either way, they’re temporarily away, with the implication that now everyone can cut loose a little bit. Dom is in charge because he’s, um, a man? I don’t know, I’m not going to interrogate this too deeply, but it’s weird that Nicole is set up with much less agency than your typical lead.
The suitors show up to archery to see Nicole with her new guest. Is he a new suitor? Is he an ex? Mr. Edwards will get to that, but first he relays the news that the Remys are gone. Everyone’s super psyched, especially Mr. Cones, who can’t wait to “be a pig and just be improper.” This is the same guy who took his boots off last week and talked about letting the sausages breathe. What airs are left for him to drop??
Mr. Edwards introduces Dom, and the suitors all seem mostly relieved, though I think they realize “protective older brother” is still not exactly a walk in the park. Dr. Hatem seems actually annoyed, which he explains is because he likes to have fun. Fair enough, but also literally nothing this group has done since they showed up at Chateau Remy has looked like fun. I don’t think you can put all of the blame on poor Dom.
We learn about the history of archery in the Regency Era, blah blah blah, and Captain Kim explains to us that archery is a skill (he’s right!) and because he’s a military man he knows how to protect (okay?), so he feels like it’s in his bloodline (what??). The goal is to impress Dom, because he will be choosing suitors to have family dinner in the castle. Now, it was labeled as an archery tournament, which might lead you to believe it has stakes tied to this family dinner. You would be wrong! The archery is just archery, and Dom plans on just talking to the men to see where they stand, while they all shoot arrows. Makes total sense!
Mr. Edwards does an elaborate fake-out with Mr. Cones and a little William Tell humor, pretending that Dom would be shooting an apple off of his head, but nope, just kidding! Mr. Cones is left standing with an apple on his head, because that dude is just plain goofy.
The competition is underway, and Mr. Chapman would like us to know once again that he grew up playing football, so he is very competitive. Between this and cricket, Mr. Chapman might actually be having the most fun, though I don’t know how much he cares about the dating part. Chapman gets a bullseye, because he’s got a lot of experience “throwing things at stuff.” Nicole is up to shoot and Mr. Judge takes the opportunity to do the old “let me show you how to do this” with his arms around her in front of everyone else. Dr. Hatem steps up to the bow expecting to kill it and comes up short of the target. This seems to really upset him and as he walks past Dom he knocks into his shoulder without saying anything. Is this part of his vendetta against anyone stopping him from having fun? Either way, Dr. Hatem is quickly becoming one of the minor villains of the last two episodes.
Dom pulls Hatem aside, not to ask him where his manners are, but to continue the rigorous Remy vetting process. He asks Hatem where he sees himself 10 years from now, and the good doctor’s answer is, “Trying to get my pilot license.” I thought he was currently trying to get his pilot license…are you saying it takes longer to get your pilot license than to go through med school and a residency? He also plans on having a few bases in several countries, which is a very accurate description of NATO or the U.S.’s military presence in Asia, but not for someone who doesn’t even think he’ll have the license to fly between each of these bases. Oh yeah, he also doesn’t even know if Nicole can fit anywhere in that life, which might be the bigger red flag. I’m not in the habit of touting when I get something right, but I have to say I called it from minute one with this dude. Beware the man with too many hobbies!
Next Dom speaks with Mr. Judge, who, in case you were asleep the last episode, wants everyone to know that he comes from a small town of about 800 people. This is starting to feel like a counter-interrogation technique that a paramilitary group taught him. “Don’t say anything, just repeat the estimated population for your home town.”
Mr. Bochicchio pulls Nicole aside to talk some more, while the other suitors glower and string their bows — side note: it would be kind of funny if they did the same thing they did in Episode 2 when some of the guys thought Nicole was talking too long to a suitor, but instead of throwing pastries they just shoot arrows at them.
Next up for conversation with Dom are Mr. Holland and Mr. Hunter, who seem to have grown close because their last names are alphabetically close? Mr. Holland bonds with Dom over his own fatherhood and Dom’s impending fatherhood. Instead of learning any more about them, though, Dom decides to prompt them to talk about Mr. Bochicchio, and they are more than willing to throw him under the horse carriage as someone who engages in too much PDA in front of her parents and doesn’t have proper gentlemanly respect. At this point I can’t tell if Mr. Bochicchio is getting the villain edit, or if we’re supposed to see the him as the frontrunner who is not making friends because the other suitors are jealous. Right now it feels like the latter.
Dom decides to get the truth straight from the Real Estate Broker’s mouth and sits down with Nicole and Danny B. Big bro asks Mr. Bochicchio why he’s here, of all the places in the world he could be — wholly inaccurate, since I’m pretty sure if Mr. B. wasn’t in England he’d probably just be at a Midtown bar in Manhattan singing along to “Living on a Prayer”…just a vibe I get. Mr. B. responds that he’s looking to “incorporate a plus one,” and I can’t believe this guy plagiarized my wedding vows. What a charmer.
Nicole’s brother catches on right away and calls out (rightly) that Mr. B. is talking about Nicole like she’s an optional second half-bath that he can add to a cozy little 3BR, and Danny B. responds that he just talks loosely. This seems to be a recurring theme with Danny B. and the Remy men. I imagine the first time they have him over at their non-castle residence and Mr. Bochicchio says, “Can I use the bathroom?” and Mr. Remy and Dom will smile at each other and go, “I don’t know, can you?”
Mr. Bochicchio goes on to explain that he is looking to meet someone and settle down, but that he can’t guarantee it’s going to happen in two months, because that’s not realistic. And that’s when we remember that Nicole is sitting right next to her brother. Mr. B. also suddenly realizes what just happened because then he turns to Nicole and goes, “I, uh, actually didn’t have a chance to ask you…is that something, uh, serious?” LOL, well, this is as good a time as any to ask! This feels like the reality dating show equivalent of “oh, I was meaning to ask if we were exclusive,” in the real world when a guy is caught talking to another girl. Weird that this deal-breaker I’ve been meaning to talk to you about didn’t come up until now!
What follows is super funny because it’s literally just reaction shots of Dom and Nicole staring at Mr. B. and frowning as we watch it dawn on him in real time that he signed up for a show that promises a wedding at the end. “You don’t mean to say you’re looking to get married at the end of this…what…oh, wow…well, that’s interesting.” Did the producers put a sign over a door that said “Open House” but it really led into the cargo hold of a ship and they kidnapped Mr. Bochicchio for their nefarious televised purposes? How do you show up for casting call and not know that all of these shows end in a wedding??
Dom and Mr. Bochicchio adjourn to talk more candidly and it’s more of a train wreck. Mr. B. is willing to commit to enjoying Nicole’s company the more he sees her, but otherwise has no idea what he’s doing on this show. Mr. Bochicchio admits he’s not very good with words (no kidding) and Dom says it’s not the words he’s concerned about, but the actions. But is it? I mean, what purpose do any of these interviews serve other than trying to coax men into making bizarre lifetime promises to a woman they just met? Ok, you’ll definitely weed out the guys who are scared of commitment, but you’re still going to keep around the sociopaths who know exactly what to say and don’t really care about the outcome. At least on The Bachelor/Bachelorette there’s only two meet-the-parents episodes, where they give lip service to the idea that parents can successfully evaluate their child’s partner (I’ve never seen it be effective one way or the other). This show is like an entire season of that, with family members cornering men and going, “Do you promise not to hurt her???” Seems like a lot of pressure, and there’s a better chance of Mr. B. “getting there” in two months if they stop questioning him every week to see if he’s there yet.
After the archery tournament that had no winners or prizes, the Court hangs out and breaks down how the day went. Nicole tells us, in a moment that rattled my brain, that “some guys played the game today, some guys tried to spit game, and it didn’t work.” I was sure I had heard this before and because I am a crazy person I went through the past episodes on my DVR. Lo and behold, we’ve got a Frankenstein edit, because she gives the exact same testimonial when they all play cricket in Episode 3, down to the hand gesture when she says “Some guys played the game today.” Phew, I am so happy I was able to find that, because it was going to haunt me to my dying day. I assume there are going to be more activities down the line…how many more times do we think we’ll hear Play Game/Spit Game? And why didn’t they think they could spare another twenty seconds to interview Nicole and get fresh material???
In Dom’s debrief, he liked Mr. Judge, Mr. Holland, and Mr. Hunter. He did not like Dr. Hatem or Mr. Bochicchio. Hatem doesn’t have Nicole in his 10 year plan, and Bochicchio isn’t ready, and Dom is annoyed that someone would come to this “experiment” unprepared for what’s to come. What exactly does it mean to be “prepared” to go on a TV show and meet your wife in two months? Are these suitors all meant to be in dire straits, drifters sleeping in their vans and sailboats, looking to their last lifeline, Ms. Remy? Did some toughs work the suitors over in a backroom until they felt like they were in marrying shape? What a weird upside-down rationale to posit that someone is not serious about marriage if they’re not willing to date for a television show on USA at 11pm, Wednesdays, and marry someone they just met two months prior.
Cut to dinner, which is being set up for Mr. Hunter, Mr. Judge, Mr. Holland, Captain Kim, and Dr. Hatem. Nicole is looking for Mr. Bochicchio’s name card, but unfortunately he’s stuck back at the Suitors’ Quarters playing beer pong. Mr. Cones was upset about not getting to go to dinner, but now that he’s back at the beloved beer pong table he’s set for the night. Not sure if it’s come across yet, but Mr. Cones is a pretty informal dude, and if there’s one thing he’s not afraid of, it’s goofiness!
Back at dinner, the first course is the greenest pea soup I’ve ever seen, which probably means it’s freshly made — my mom makes pea soup and it’s one of my favorite foods that she makes, but it is full-on brown because she makes it months in advance and shoves it in the freezer until the next holiday. Nicole and Mr. Judge have never had pea soup before, so they decide to take the leap together, like it’s a soup trust fall.
Nicole asks if any of the suitors have family dinner traditions and Dr. Hatem gives a rambling story about how his grandfather had a villa in Cairo and added a floor for every child that was born, creating a giant building. I’m just imagining the Hatem clan in Mega-City One. Also, is this a family tradition? It just sounds like what they tell you at the Tenement Museum, but if the landlord was the family patriarch.
Mr. Hunter shares what life on a boat was like, where Christmas was a Peanuts tree, prime rib, and one present for each of them, shipped from some country. How did they get anything shipped to them? Did they pick a port or just do kind of a drive-by on the high seas and a freighter tosses a few packages over to them? One makes more sense than the other, but you know which one I’m hoping is true. Look, I know boat life all sounds terribly romantic, but I was right about Dr. Hatem, so trust me here. There will come a time in Nicole and Mr. Hunter’s relationship, if she doesn’t let him go, where he’ll start singing “Brandy” to her as the reason why they must break up. What woman can compete with the ultimate mistress, the siren song of The Sea?
Next course is lobster, which somehow they turn into an episode of Bizarre Foods? Maybe it’s because I was raised on the East Coast and lobster was one of those special meals for my family, but lobster feels pretty straightforward to me as far as meals go. If it were my scene to direct, I’d probably focus on how messy it must be to eat lobster in finery, but instead we get a weird declaration that “a lady shouldn’t have to open her own lobster” (credit to Jane Austen, obvs), and Mr. Judge cracks the tail off of the torso for Nicole while she squeals at how gross it all is. Props to The Courtship for at least letting their cast eat; every time I see a date on The Bachelor no one touches their food and it drives me crazy. They have to be hungry! It’s probably for continuity purposes. Well, not here. Those lobsters are officially cracked.
Back at SQ (Suitors’ Quarters), Mr. Bochicchio is regretting the answer he gave to Nicole and her brother. It might be dawning on him that he’s actually not making the greatest impression…12 hours later. The left out suitors cheers to being left out, and then immediately after Danny slips out of the beer pong room and heads over to crash the dinner, and now I’m starting to think he’s becoming more of a villain.
“What about you, Mr. Judge?” Nicole asks, apparently going back to the family traditions question, but if you look at their plates, those mfers are back to soup! CONTINUITY!!! [shakes fist in the air] Mr. Judge opens up about how his upbringing was difficult, how he didn’t have a great household. During this monologue we cut between Mr. Bochicchio storming the castle and when we return to the end of the monologue the lobsters are magically back and fully eaten! And this is why you don’t plan a multiple course meal as the cornerstone of your episode. Mr. Judge is still making his point about how he wants a family (I think?) when Mr. Bochicchio enters the room and the dinner party is fully upset. Mrs. Baker cannot handle the awkwardness. Mr. Bochicchio extends his apologies for interrupting dinner and Dom replies, “Those apologies can be had outside while we finish up real quickly,” which is a cold-ass response. I agree. Don’t say you’re sorry for the thing you’re doing as you’re doing it. You know you fucked up. Mr. B. won’t be dissuaded (I’m not sure he was listening in the first place) and asks to speak to Nicole alone. Nicole asks her brother if it’s ok for her to talk to him, and Dom relents. Literally what is happening? Has time-travel made Nicole forget that she doesn’t need to ask either her parents’ or her older brother’s permission to do what she wants? Once again, rather than be game for all this weirdness it would be nice to have a lead who pushes back so we can explore the tension of how reactionary it is as a concept to decide to go back to Victorian society.
“Is this, like, a thing in the Regency Era?” Dom asks the camera rhetorically. “Is it okay for a guy to just waltz in and ask to be alone with my sister? Let alone interrupt Mr. Judge right in the middle of his passionate speech!” First of all, the waltzing comes at the end, Dom. We call it the Farewell Ball (or Dance? I’m not clear on even the name of it). Second, judging by everyone’s plates, Mr. Judge may have been talking for 1–2 hours.
Mr. Bochicchio takes this time to open up to Nicole about his parents, and it’s a story that structurally doesn’t make a lot of sense to me (his mom got sick, his dad quit his job to take care of her, then years later his dad got sick and died, ergo his mom was his dad’s rock). It’s sad he lost his dad (is his mom still alive?) but it also feels like he got coaching to throw out a sob story to save himself, because I’m not sure I follow all of the logic. See, the reason Danny B. doesn’t know whether he can “get there” in two months is because his parents showed him what true love is, and he doesn’t want to cheapen it if he doesn’t know. I’m not sure Danny B. can “get there” either because he took the longest route to try to get to the point he was trying to make. I get it, I wouldn’t know how to get anywhere these days if someone took my phone away.
Back at dinner, the plates are clear and I can’t tell if Nicole missed dessert or not. Danny’s story, or maybe just the situation, or the thought of missing out on a really nice trifle have now brought Nicole to tears and she asks Danny if he thinks he could fall for her. Danny’s answer is the stuff of romance: “If our relationship is continuing on the path that it’s on, then yes.” This is definitely the same mind that brought you “incorporating a plus one”. They still manage to share a kiss, despite the huge gulf between Nicole’s “I really care about you,” and Danny’s, “I see an upward trend in my Liking You Factor that I’ll continue to monitor and circle back with you on!”
Dom and Mrs. Baker come to Nicole after Danny leaves and they are pissed on behalf of the men and especially Mr. Judge, who was just finishing the prologue to his story. Nicole wants to at least hand it to Danny for making the most of his opportunities and doing whatever he wants when he wants, and Dom is like, “Yeah, you know that can backfire, right?” He also thinks that Danny might be saying just enough to be able to stick around, which is pretty valid considering they’re all currently on my television and are being paid to be there. As a consummate rule follower, I have to say I agree that Danny’s being disrespectful. Also it reads as super needy.
Back at SQ, the suitors have formed a tribunal to confront Danny. Dr. Hatem starts in first, trying to find out what they were talking about. Danny isn’t talking. Captain Kim says he thinks he and Danny have different values when it comes to etiquette and respect for people. Danny’s comeback is essentially, “I didn’t come here to make friends,” but reversed as an insult. “You came here to be friends with guys,” Danny tells Kim. “I have little cousins that complain less than you.” Danny tells Kim that if he’s got something to say, say it to his face, not to the other guys they all live with. Captain Kim backs down, and Danny smiles to himself, thinking he won that fight. I gotta be honest, I get the sense that Captain Kim has done a lot of work on his emotions and composure, and I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason Mr. B. didn’t become Mr. Bodied right there in that lounge. That dude went through boot camp and you’re trying to find Victorian clothes for your next real estate commercial. You are not the same.
The Farewell Ball has arrived! Three dances are on the card this evening, and we’re still unclear how many people, if any, must go home. The suitors called are: Mr. Hunter, Mr. Judge, and Dr. Hatem. Danny B.’s hail mary seems to have worked and he’s safe for another week, probably because now that the whole house hates him and he’s spiraling, it’ll make for better TV.
Mr. Hunter gets the first dance. Ms. Remy’s notes are that she sees him trying to keep the spark alive. Mr. Hunter says, and I have to quote this exactly, “I know your love language is acts of service and touch. I want to do all the acts of service and touch you all the time.” Can someone explain what “acts of service” are? Is that like holding the door open for her, or does he mean oral? I think we can all agree these are both extremely weird sentences, together and apart.
Maybe it is Nicole’s love language, because she tells Hunter she’d like him to stay. The last two dances are a duel between the two latest suitors. Nicole seems to have only asked Mr. Judge to dance so she could apologize for his time being interrupted (I’ve now decided that Farewell Dances are like one-on-ones, because it can be an opportunity to spend more time together OR you get sent home with your suitcase immediately). Dr. Hatem is sent packing because he doesn’t seem to understand that when people ask him what the next ten years will look like for him, he doesn’t have to have an exact answer, but there should be some sort of carved out space for a partner, unless he plans on having her train to be his co-pilot. As Dr. Hatem leaves, he tells us that Nicole is missing out on a whole other kind of life, which I assume is a reference to the underground fighting rings that Dr. Hatem attends on Wednesdays after work. I’m not going to miss Dr. Hatem. The backflips were getting annoying.
Mr. Judge and Nicole have a heartfelt conversation that makes Mrs. Baker blush and then they share a Farewell Dance kiss. Mr. Judge is so happy to stay and have time that he continues to twirl Nicole until everyone comes down from the balcony. Honestly, it was too much twirling. He looked like a dumb sap. Anyway, the show ends, but not before we see, during the credits, that Nicole promises Mr. Chapman they’ll have some time together soon. Dun dun DUN.
Eight suitors remain…this is going so slowly.
Final Thoughts
- At first I thought this was just a show with a particularly bad concept, but after the editing I saw today I now wonder if they were working with the B Team all along. Just some real amateur shit going on, from a production perspective.
- When Nicole leaves the dinner with Danny B., Dr. Hatem says, “A bit awkward isn’t it?” and that seems like such a British mannerism to me. Don’t they always love to announce the moment when something has become awkward? That’s like a huge punchline in multiple British comedies I’ve seen.
- Are the sports thrown in as sort of a distraction, like jangling keys in front of a baby? There seems to be something purposeful about the way the show is engaging the suitors’ competitive sides while demanding that they pay attention to Ms. Remy. Thank god football wasn’t played in Regency times or Nicole would lose Mr. Chapman for good.
- If you think about it, a sailboat is a lot like a van, except you can do whatever you want without facing prosecution, because you’re in international waters. Chapman and Hunter, you are two sides of the same coin…
See you next week for the weird orgy the Remys are planning while the parents are away!