So It’s Come To This: The Courtship Recap Episode 7 — The Great British Bake-Off
Check out last week’s recap here.
Well, you can only tell the high water mark after the tides have receded a bit, and the same goes for this show. After the feast of last week’s episode we were treated to a rather dull installment that went back once again to the well of “new competition shows up.”
It’s the morning after the most explosive Farewell Dance yet, and Nicole is filling her sister and BFF in on what happened. She’s upset at the way Captain Kim left, but in the end, she’s an adult and she needs to figure out who she’s in love with, and sometimes that means sampling the goods.
At SQ, the suitors are playing poker, and Mr. Cones has stumbled onto a connection. “That is so similar because that’s what we’re going through. Love is a gamble. Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win. With the highs you feel so good when you’re ahead and you’re winning. And then the lows hurt like hell,” he muses.
“You can’t let the competition know what you’re thinking at all times,” a voice I can’t quite place chimes in.
“And sometimes you don’t know who’s bluffing,” Mr. Judge adds.
“Exactly,” they all agree.
Contrary to Bad Poetry, which could have gone all last episode for me, I didn’t think I was going to make it through this scene in one piece. Like, I thought they would just deliver some silly platitude like “Love is a gamble,” which is dumb enough, but it just kept going! Who is asking for this? Who enjoys this?? Is love only like Poker? What about Blackjack or Roulette? And more importantly, outside of this very specific situation, when is love a competition? What does it even mean to bluff in love? This analogy is on life support!
Once they’re done waxing dumbly, they litigate what happened the previous night, and everyone seems rather sensible about it, including possibly Mr. Chapman. He says when you’re really friends, you can let each other know when you’re out of line, but he doesn’t expand on that, so I can’t tell if he’s saying that’s what he was doing to Captain Kim or that’s what Captain Kim was doing to him. All I can still think about is poor Charlie Mumbray’s hands in front of his face while they were shouting, like he was watching a horror movie.
The Daily Tea arrives and announces there will be a masquerade ball that evening. Again, just call this the Dress-Up Dating Show. We’re given a teaser that someone will be unmasked, and everyone has their guesses. Mr. Hunter makes like three different guesses, so he doesn’t get any credit for one of them being right. I’m more interested in what’s happening on the back page of the DT, which looks like a map of the castle? Or is it like those mazes that they put on placemats at family restaurants for kids to do?
Fast forward to the Masquerade Ball, where everyone is pretending this isn’t Eyes Wide Shut, and they all waltz in the same suits as before, but with ornate Venetian masks. Nicole’s parents are still gone, and I’m starting to get a little worried about them. Are they being allowed out for exercise for a bit each day?
At the ball Nicole circulates among the suitors and talks to them. Mr. Holland, the only remaining suitor to never be on the Farewell Dance card (is this foreshadowing? Of course it is!) keeps telling Nicole how much he loves her and has loved her from the moment they met. Nicole acts into it, but I’m going to be honest: this guy is probably going home soon. She’s keeping him around because he seems like a genuinely likable dude, but at the end of the day they’re not talking about anything substantial. It’s super boring to have every conversation be about your feelings, especially if it’s the same feelings every time.
Mr. Chapman and Nicole reconnect, and now that they’ve rocked worlds, they’re a little more natural with each other. Chapman mentions something about a sunset and I swear to God this dude is worse than Copernicus. The sun LITERALLY rises and sets every day. Jesus, act like you’ve been here (on Earth) before.
Nicole and Mr. Bochicchio talk and she asks a favor: make amends with her brother (we are reminded of the awful conversation they had, followed by Danny B. interrupting dinner and taking Nicole away). Danny B. replies, “Maybe.” It’s a weird time to be joking about that sort of thing. It’s not like she’s asking you to take her out for ice cream. I feel like if it were me asking, I’d want to hear, “Yes, of course. I was planning on it.” Again, still very unsure what we’re supposed to think about Danny B. He seems kind of like a punk.
Just then the ball is thrown in a tizzy because a new mystery guest has arrived, and he’s wearing a mask! The soundtrack begins the Swan theme from Swan Lake as the men meet their new competition, Miles Nazaire who is French but from London. He immediately kicks into high gear, saying, “Bon soir, Mademoiselle,” and Mrs. Baker nearly falls down swooning at yet another love interest. I swear, she’s having the best time; it’s like if a super fan was invited to join the cast for an entire season. Nicole can only say, “Oh God,” and maybe that’s because she’s not sure what he said and she’s hoping he’s not waiting for an answer? This turn is really playing broadly into the old clichés about romance and France, and I really didn’t think a show that features castles and ballgowns could somehow get cheesier, but here we are.
Mr. Nazaire introduces himself in a bit of a weird way, talking about how he went to French school in London (ok), and how “The boys always get annoyed because their girlfriends end up liking me.” Ok, but like, what is it you do? While dancing with Nicole, she stares dreamily up at him and he goes, “Don’t stare in my eyes too much, we might kiss.” Probably a pretty good line, because they do kiss.
The suitors are melting down at the arrival of Mr. Nazaire. Mr. Cones is looking for the closest glass of gin and tonic right now! Fun fact: G&Ts were invented around the 1820s, but didn’t become popular until the 1900s. Not period appropriate, Mr. Cones!
Instead of thinking about the new suitor, Danny B. is laser-focused on his mission: make things right with Dom. Apropos of literally nothing, he just turns to Dom and starts describing the physical symptoms that manifest when he is around Nicole. There’s no mea culpa (is that French? SWOON) or even a segue to get into why he’s talking about this to Dom. He just kind of jumps to the middle of the conversation. Dom seems to catch on because he probably read the notes for the scene and tells Danny that he wants him to be vulnerable. “It takes a little time,” Danny responds. “I’m a complicated person.” Sorry, I do not in any way believe this, just because you’re saying it.
Nicole escorts Mr. Nazaire around the ball to introduce him to the rest of the cast. Dom speaks French back to Mr. Nazaire, who compliments him on his accent. Mr. Nazaire and Danny B. have an exchange that goes super awkwardly and seems to approximate a verbal duel, but if both duelists had head injuries.
“Best of luck.”
“Thank you, I’m very lucky.”
“I bet you are.”
“Yes, I am.”
Riveting stuff.
Over in another corner Mr. Mumbray tells Mr. Cones and Mr. Holland that he knows Mr. Nazaire from London town, and he “has a history of stealing people’s girlfriends.” Now, in this show this little tidbit is meant to show how formidable our new suitor is — a Green Power Ranger, if you will — but in another show that knowledge would be weaponized. We have very few, if any, of those moments here, where men feel the need to pull Nicole aside and warn her about the intentions of the other suitors. Instead it’s, “Oh yeah, I know that guy. Has kind of a thing for going after taken women. Anyway, what’s the deal with all of these extras? Do they have to keep constantly dancing until this is over?”
Nicole brings Nazaire over to Cones, Mumbray, and Holland for an introduction. Mr. Cones breaks the ice by welcoming Nazaire and telling him there’s only one toilet. This is exactly the kind of information I want to hear! I’m so curious what they have these guys sleeping on. My guess is it’s not comfortable! Anyway, Mr. Cones brings up that Mumbray and Nazaire know each other, and they both kind of mumble about having met and London being a small town, and it’s super weird that they are trying to move past this.
Mr. Mumbray tells us, “I was the English guy, and now I’m not the English guy. There’s two. So I see that as direct competition.” Again, I feel like I was right during the cricket episode when I called him “English Man”. This is like when Zod comes to Earth. There’s two of them, and they must battle!
The final suitors to meet are Mr. Hunter, Mr. Judge, and Mr. Chapman, who coordinate turning their backs on Mr. Nazaire as a joke. Hilarious stuff, but I feel like Mr. Cones was really the brains behind these coordinated suitor antics. Mr. Hunter had probably the most interesting response to Mr. Nazaire, taking a page from the Court and asking if he was ready to marry Ms. Remy. Mr. Nazaire turns the question back on them, and they all kind of give the, “Well, yeah, if it seems right,” answer, which is technically true in any capacity, isn’t it? Most notably, Danny B., who is now standing next to them, jumps in to say that he, too, is ready to consider marriage. Nicole is thrilled by this, but also notes that it comes as a result of the new competition. That’s really all the thought she puts into it, as I think she has decided that having a new suitor has stepped up everybody’s game, and that this is a good thing, rather than wondering what it might mean that these guys only try harder when a new dude shows up speaking three words of French.
The next day, Charlie Mumbray is a man with a plan: a plan to bake outdoors with no visible oven. He’s decided to bake a cake for Nicole, because he’s an avid baker, and, he adds, he worked as a chef for three years in France. CHARLIE! THAT’S THE KIND OF INFORMATION YOU LEAD WITH!!! All this time and fucking Charlie Mumbray is a man of the world? I wonder if it was like a British ex-pat pub in France, and he just slopped together a bunch of shepherd’s pies and fish and chips all day. He bakes a rather nice looking lemon drizzle cake and I zoned out and began to wonder if I had accidentally switched over to Netflix.
Back at SQ the suitors are talking with new guy Miles and telling him it’s not real until he’s made it past a few Farewell Dances. Mr. Chapman tells him it’s hard to explain the Farewell Dance, and I agree! This is a running theme for me, actually. Mr. Mumbray enters with his cake to tell the suitors it’s not for them, and he’s going to bring it to Nicole, which is very rude! Also, we literally just had that extended metaphor about the game of poker and not letting your competition know what you’re thinking or whatever, and Good Ole Charlie’s like, “Gaw, let me tell me mates about the cake I just baked for the bird we’re all dating!”
Charlie exits and we’re left with the suitors talking about how he was playing to his baking strengths. “What are your strengths?” they ask Miles. “I’m pretty good at everything, really,” he answers, and seriously, this beautiful man is the absolute worst. What kind of answer is that, even? Everything? You can’t name one specific thing? It reminds me of when my dad will tell me about something, and to engage I’ll ask a question, like, “Oh, what kind of books did the store have?” and he would answer, “Everything.” Cool. If there’s one thing it’s easy for me to engage with, it’s the entirety of existence. If you’re too bored to give me an example, don’t expect me to bolster this terrible conversation for the both of us.
Miles’ mind must have been elsewhere when he was being asked about his skills, though, because in testimonial (where he’s listed as “socialite”…seriously, what do you do for income, Miles??) he says he thinks he can do a lot better than some shitty cake.
Meanwhile, Mumbray has interrupted tea time for Nicole, Dom, Mrs. Baker, and Tessa to bring his lemon cake. They all erupt at the gesture, which honestly is pretty sweet. They love his cake, and he tells them about how he bakes a lot and cooks for his family barbecues. He tells them this is his “special cake” and it would have been great if he followed up with, “There’s probably like three ounces of mushrooms in it altogether,” but alas. Dom, who cannot just fucking cool it for one minute, asks what else Mumbray is prepared to do for his sister. Charlie says he would love to cook dinner for her every night, and everyone laughs that this is the way to Nicole’s heart. Hate to break it to you, Charlie, but I hope your soup game is up to par. You’re going to be making a fucking awful lot of it!
Charlie’s flirting game is on the other end of the spectrum of Mr. Holland, but equally awful. Instead of telling Nicole how much he wants to make her the focus of his life and how happy he intends to make her (too intense!) he tells her how nervous she makes him all of the time (too lame!). Nicole keeps saying, “Aw, Charlie!” which means she thinks it’s terribly sweet but is lamenting in real time that his heart will be broken, because she’s not into him.
Charlie’s about to tell Nicole that she makes him feel funny in his pants when Miles interrupts to fully upstage (emphasis on stage) Mr. Mumbray. Miles comes in with flowers, a two-tiered cake, a sword, casks of wine, and tea to give out to Nicole and her court. It is so clearly scripted that I can’t even enjoy it. Like, where did Miles get a sword? We saw from the prison workout scenes these guys don’t go anywhere. Also, just telling me about tea and wine does not make them exist. I will be extremely surprised if those things ever get delivered. It’s bad reality writing, because every smart mark knows that reality is scripted to some degree, but the truly bad writing exposes itself as such. It’s like how the worst spots in wrestling are when a guy flops after no contact. But of course to play out the scene Charlie is dismayed at being shown up and he meekly says he’s going to have more cake after Nicole leaves on a date with Miles. I don’t know how this gets glossed over, but it seems incredibly rude to Charlie and even the Court that she’s like, “Thanks for the cake, bye!” They were in the middle of a planned gathering, and she just ditches for better plans? If I were Tessa, I’d be like, “You’ve changed. We never hang out ever since you got cast for this show and I was cast to be your best friend!”
Miles and Nicole go off on a date where he’s going to show her how to make gin. Unfortunately there’s no still or explosions involved, and I assume they’re just making gin cocktails? It’s never really explained. Miles shares that he loves to cook, and Nicole says she does, too, but hates cleaning the dishes. Miles responds that it’s ok because they have all of these butlers around to do it for them! Hahaha, how funny to think of human beings that way! I can imagine life with Miles being very fun until the mobs show up outside his castle door, demanding he face class justice, and he’s asking to borrow Nicole’s dress so he can escape the country in a carriage.
At SQ the suitors are hitting a Regency Era punching bag, which looks like something you would find hanging ornamentally in Anthropologie or a fancy cigar store, when Miles shows up. He muses aloud that it will be interesting to see who Nicole winds up preferring, which is a red flag about his intentions. So far we’ve had the guy who is in mourning and probably needs some time to be ready for love (Mr. King), the guy who is there for the wrong reasons (Mr. Saffa), the guy who has no time for a wife (Dr. Hatem). Now we get the next pitfall: guy who is looking for a trophy. They’re building him up as the smoothest guy, but I think it’s for moral purposes, to show that Nicole needs more than superficial love.
One thing Miles has definitely done is lit a fire under some of the coasting suitors. Danny B. sends Nicole a handwritten (by a producer) note to meet him by the fountain, where, according to Mr. Bochicchio, he has “planned something” for the two of them. These big plans? For them to talk on a bench by the fountain, so he can find out if she’s a morning person and how many kids she wants. Somehow Danny B. keeps scoring points for the absolute minimal gestures, and Nicole swoons over his grilling to make sure they’re compatible. We also learn about Danny’s mysterious romantic past, which is that he was ready for marriage with his ex, but she wasn’t. To his credit he’s at least not overplaying this angle the way that a certain Air Force captain couldn’t get over being cheated on by his high school girlfriend for over a decade. Their big date (maybe Danny pissed off the producers and they were like, “Plan your own fucking dates.”) ends with Nicole promising to “always meet [Danny] halfway,” which could just be some throwaway romantic line but given how scripted this show has been, I bet it has some significance. Watch this space.
It’s time for the Farewell Dance, and there are only three names on the card: Mr. Nazaire (worth it for his just-ate-some-bad-yogurt face), Mr. Judge, and Mr. Holland (who could have foreseen this??).
Mr. Holland’s dance is basically him continuing his barrage of niceties and how into her he is, which I don’t know if that’s appealing to her or not, but it’s boring as hell for me. He also says that from the moment he saw her he had feelings for her? That’s weird, I’m sorry. But despite the weird way of phrasing she takes to create extra drama, Nicole thinks she can still get there will Mr. Holland. I, however, do not! As I said, he seems like a pretty kind dude, which is getting him this far, but you can tell when someone is trying to will themselves to like someone because they know it would be good for them. Nicole is hoping she’ll feel the right feelings, but she ain’t feeling them, and she’s probably frustrated that she can’t just fall for this good dude who probably has a really cute kid.
Mr. Judge is up next, and Nicole wants to know what life will look like with them after this. That’s it, just a note about what’s going through her head. She keeps Mr. Judge.
Last is Mr. Miles Nazaire, last in, apparently first out. As they dance he gives his best pitch to Nicole, so smooth that Mr. Judge and Mr. Bochicchio look at each other and go, “Duh, I gotta get better at talking!” Then Miles speaks in French, and it’s this passionate moment until Nicole says, “What does that mean?” “I’ll tell you if you keep me,” he says, which buys him some time to plan out what he meant to say instead of his shopping list. (JK, he said something about “writing the letters of their romance” which didn’t make sense in any language) Nicole keeps him, too!
So no one was bid farewell at the Farewell Dance and Mr. Edwards says this is proof that only Miss Remy decides the rules of this game and her own fate. I, however, am ready to scream because we are still not even down to half a dozen suitors. Is this season going to be 22 episodes long???
Final Thoughts:
- We get what I assume is the British/French version of a common phrase: “Sorry, not so sorry!” I think it’s inferior because it actually makes more syntactical sense, and the point of our way is that it immediately negates itself.
- Nicole has a “French thing”. Ugh, of course she does. I was a lot more impressed with the architecture (until I saw her drawing, a reliable provider of joy in my life) and her career switch to coding, but between “soup” and the Francophilia, she’s striking me more as a basic bitch.