So It’s Come To This: The Courtship Recap Episode 9— Stockinged Feets of Strength

Courtesy of NBC

Check out last week’s recap here.

How invested in show am I? is a question I seem to be asking myself a lot lately, partly because I’m struggling more and more to get these recaps out on time, but also because I don’t know what kind of outcome I’m rooting for. This episode had two dramatic scenes, one of which had literally both people in tears, and I mostly found myself annoyed at Nicole for failing to see the writing on the wall. Well, let’s just get into it before another episode comes out while I’m still writing this one.

It’s the day after the Farewell Dance and the Court is having tea while Nicole recaps how she felt about her connections with Charlie Mumbray and Mr. Holland. Hey Nicole, that’s my job! Find your own show to recap. Mrs. Baker asks about Mr. Chapman and Mr. Bochicchio (the frontrunners, IMHO) being on the dance card. Nicole put them on because she wants Danny to be more present and she felt Lincoln was taking a step back (hmm, wonder if this will bear fruit soon…). The Remys worry that Mr. Chapman may just be in this for the thrill of the chase (ding ding ding), but they also worry about his “nomadic” lifestyle. I know I’ve taken a lot of shots at Lincoln in the past, but sorry, no I’m not sorry, I’m going to take a few more. First of all, Chapman isn’t herding goats. He’s just driving around a lot and sleeping in his van. And his chyron says he’s a model, but I would very much like to know what kind of modelling gigs he’s getting. Does he have photos in the weekly circulars at the supermarket?

Anyway, Nicole’s response about the “nomad” question is she thinks she’d be able to figure it out, and I think the fact that she can envision herself washing out her underwear in the sink of a gas station is one of the surest signs that she’s really starting to like him. Mr. Remy responds, “Ahh, that’s profound!” Shout-out to Mr. Remy. He clearly isn’t very sure what his role is, but damn if he isn’t trying. My dad would probably be in a different room, sitting around reading a book in his underwear because Regency Era clothes are too tight for him.

At SQ, the men are playing horseshoes, but this apparently is not a good enough metaphor for their dating experience. Instead they discuss the pressures of proposing. Mr. Chapman expresses his fear of commitment, which leads some (notably Mr. Nazaire) to wonder why he’s even here. Miles, how else do you expect Lincoln to make his gas money?

The Daily Tea arrives, announcing a “Festival of Strength”, which was almost certainly not a Regency Era artifact. Those guys were all scrawny as hell! We are told that the favorites to win the whole thing are Mr. Hunter and Mr. Judge.

Fast forward to the Festival of Strength, which Mr. Edwards seems uncommonly excited about. I think this is his way of making “festival of strength” a thing. I’m more curious which came first: the concept of a festival of strength or the Atlas water feature? Did they actually commission someone to make an Atlas sculpture, or did they get the location first and walk around, brainstorming events based on what was there? Given the weird pond-rowing from the second episode, I’m inclined to think it was the latter.

The men all take off their shirts, which the show seems to be pretty proud of — note, this show may be about The Regency Era, but Bachelor in Paradise already exists so I don’t see the big deal. I’ve also deduced the mystery of the different broaches that each suitor has been wearing, which I thought was meant to be a hint into their character. Actually, it’s more of a hint as to wear the wireless mics are placed on them. It made sense once I saw their necklaces, which is how you run sound on a shirtless production!

FoS favorite Mr. Hunter is featured as a modern-day sculpture, complete with a score from Beethoven and slow-motion tracking shots across his body. Mr. Cones narrates about Mr. Hunter’s abs having abs, and I have to say: Mr. Hunter is cut, and it’s pretty impressive, but not that impressive. Again, we’re in a world where Bachelor in Paradise already exists, not to mention pro wrestling and superhero movies. Kumail Nanjiani when he was filming The Eternals was probably more cut. Just seems like they’re trying to fit a narrative more than anything else. In contrast we get Mr. Cones, who says he has a dad bod. Again, it’s not like I don’t see myself shirtless in the mirror every day. Come back to me when you have an actual gut, man.

The first challenge is for the men to lift a 150-lb cement ball onto a barrel. Whoever does it first wins. Can you believe that I did not find this all that riveting?? In Bochicchio versus Chapman, Chapman wins. In Nazaire versus Judge, Judge wins and it looks like this is part of his daily workout. Then we get Mr. Cones and Mr. Hunter, and man has this been built up a lot. Mr. Hunter is a modern-day Atlas! Mr. Cones is such a schlub! But somehow Mr. Cones bests Hunter, to everyone’s surprise.

Next is the “Log of Terrific Endurance”, which is a log that the men will go head to head, holding up to see who lasts the longest. Why would they need to go head to head when all of them could just lift the log at the same time and see who lasts, like an immunity challenge on Survivor? Well, because that would take two minutes, and this show desperately needs its padding! Chapman goes up against Nazaire, who shows off by doing lunges with his log. Nazaire wins. Cones goes up against Judge, who Nicole describes as being “like a mule”. Cones wins! What a shocker! Except not for me. Being tall is like 80% of most athletics. Does it pay to work out? Sure, but it pays a lot more to be over six feet.

Danny B. goes up against Mr. Hunter, who now has something to prove (and may have thrown up earlier? Unclear, but he did say, “I’m feeling better now.”). Mr. Hunter wins and keeps going to show that he strong, he big strong muscular man, before was giant ball’s fault. Mr. Hunter advances to the final round against Mr. Nazaire, who wins, and his crowned the strongest. I have to say, I’m very confused, because from what we saw it looked like Mr. Cones didn’t lose once. I wonder if they did a full tourney for each challenge and we just didn’t see any of it. Would have settled all of that shit really easily if everyone had to do it at the same time, and you wouldn’t even have had to give them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or Applebees as a reward, either!

Mr. Nazaire’s reward for being the strongest (supposedly) is some precious alone time with Nicole. They sit on the blanket talking and Miles goes back to the “If you keep looking at me, why I oughta!” game. “You keep looking at me like that, and I’m going to have to kiss you,” he tells her. Nicole doesn’t blink. It’s a game of chicken! “You’re gonna keep looking at me like that?” Miles confirms? Nicole is unblinking. He makes good on his threat and kisses her! “Hey, I told you every time you look at me like that,” Miles tells her after, and I swear to god I am done with this bit. It’s a weird posture to take, like threat-flirting. Also, the repetition to me really implies he has absolutely nothing else to say to her. What he should have done was just start speaking in French. It’s already worked twice, and seems to buy him time!

They transition into talking about the other guys, and Mr. Nazaire finally takes a page from the reality dating show book and shares that Lincoln said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. I don’t know if The Bachelor patented “he’s not here for the right reasons” or what, but it’s about damn time someone threw someone under the carriage. This clearly upsets Nicole, and she’s no longer looking at Miles as he threatens to kiss her.

An indeterminate amount of time later Mr. Hunter finds Nicole to ask for more information about why he was on the dance card last week. What do you mean you want more information? I feel like we’re all pretty clear on the problem, which is that Mr. Hunter is not talking. What additional clarification is necessary?

“It comes across as if you have a wall,” Nicole tells him.

He acknowledges that he can have a tough time being vulnerable, and says when he’s having a down day he keeps it to himself. Also apparently the last person he dated he felt he was with longer than he should have been, which concerns Nicole (rightly so!). “It feels like this is something weighing on you, and I’m not sure I addressed it,” Mr. Hunter says. Then he looks as if he’s about to speak, but he does not speak.

Still later that day, a letter arrives at SQ announcing a “Regency Spa Date”, which seems very period-appropriate. Mr. Bochicchio is invited to join Nicole for a day of bathing. “Now we’ve had some incredibly romantic dates,” Mr. Edwards tells us, “Fireworks, country fairs, and bacchanals…” Only one of those was an actual date, right?

The spa is set at the only other structure on the grounds, that weird temple looking place, which is now filled with candles and two old tubs. Before they go for a soak, Danny decides to express himself. “At the end of this process, I know you want a proposal, or whatever (emphasis mine). A proposal…that’s crazy…” Nothing says “this guy is serious” like sitting around talking about how nuts it sounds for them to get engaged at the end of this season (or let’s be honest, series). Nicole takes this as Danny going back on his word, which is absolutely true, since he definitely said it was within the realm of possibility if he fell in love, and if the stars aligned, offer not valid in Alaska or Hawaii.

“What’s the rush?” Danny asks a distraught Nicole, and I feel like no one told him there’s a camera crew here and what they’re doing is filming a show about a woman meeting and getting engaged to a man. You realize you’re wearing very old-fashioned clothes right now, right, Danny??

Somehow Nicole finds the silver lining in Danny literally questioning the point of everything they’re doing. “I’m not usually around people who are this honest. Maybe it’s a New Yorker thing.” Nicole, what you’re saying is you need to start examining the people around you. Clearly you are looking for people to tell you what you just want to hear. Do yourself a favor and believe what these suitors are saying to you!

I truly do not understand how this scene turned from Nicole being upset to sexy bath time, but somehow that’s where we go, and they decide to get into the same tub. Nicole disrobes and somehow winds up in even more clothes than she previously had on to sit in the tub, while Danny sits down in his pants. I’m too late on this recap to research this, but I’m almost certain if there were spas that people got fully naked for them, and this is just some weird television stuff so they could have a scene in a bathtub without the censors getting upset that they’re sitting around a talking while naked.

“This is gonna be Remy Bochicchio Soup,” Danny says, as they get in, which, uh-oh, Danny, you know that’s her favorite food! I can’t believe Nicole didn’t start looking around for a big spoon.

The next day, Nicole is talking with her girls about what she learned, and she mentions Mr. Chapman. “Lincoln can’t give up van life,” she says with a straight face that I must admire, because I certainly couldn’t do it. VAN LIFE. This might be the single best bit of casting I’ve ever seen, because literally no one I’ve seen in any dating show to date has been a Van Guy. Of course it would come up on the Jane Austen-themed dating show! Nicole wants to have a talk with Lincoln, and her sister says, “We’re going to have our ears by the door like in Pride and Prejudice.” Ok, now I’m almost certain there was never any such scene in P&P, but you know what I’m positive about? Mr. Darcy definitely wasn’t weighing his love for Elizabeth against VAN LIFE.

Nicole makes her first appearance at SQ and requests time to speak with Mr. Chapman. She shares what she’s heard, and Lincoln tells her he’s scared shitless about giving up his “van lifestyle”. Nicole asks him if he even wants to be here, and he responds with a silence that lasts a deafening two beats. Nicole says she feels so stupid, and girl, do not worry because no one is watching this. You’ll get over it by next season. Lincoln says, “I think you and I could be the most in love, but I don’t think I can give you the life that you want,” which is one of the most obnoxious, manipulative things I think I’ve heard. This is how someone talks when they are definitely in it for the thrill of the chase and they want it on the record that they won even though they don’t actually want the prize.

Both of them are in tears at this impasse, and I think I was probably checking to see how much time is left. It’s just not that moving to watch some guy be a fuckboi in real time, and especially to watch a girl keep falling for it. As the violins swell Nicole says she’s confused because Lincoln keeps saying he’s in love, but he doesn’t want to stay, and love would mean staying. Yes. This is correct. You’re so close to getting it, Nicole!

“I’m so confused by him, and I know that we have a connection,” Nicole says, and then the show literally gives us a flashback of them making out and Lincoln spending the night, complete with a bad edit of them sitting on the bed and the lights in the window going out. It’s so, so, so staged and gross, like when people sleep with each other on The Bachelor, it’s just something you kind of hear about afterward. Here there’s a literal crane and lighting outside of a window that just happens to perfectly frame Nicole and Lincoln going to bed. It’s lazy storytelling and it’s also incredibly gross, because it seems to be implying that Nicole gave up something to Lincoln by having sex with him, only for him to leave her. Isn’t it enough that she thinks she’s in love and he can’t get over his Aerostar? The scene ends with Nicole leaving Lincoln crying on the couch in his stockinged feet, which is just as weird a picture as it probably appears in your head. Nicole returns to her ladies-in-waiting to cry to them about Lincoln leaving.

The suitors return to SQ and Lincoln tells them what happened. “I guess someone yesterday told what I wanted to before I had a chance,” which is the same kind of bullshit we keep getting from Lincoln. He would definitely do the right thing on a long enough timeline, trust him! Lincoln goes off into the fields to process his feelings, and we’re left wondering what will happen next!

It’s what happens next: the Farewell Dance! Lincoln is back, so if you’re wondering, he was gone on screen for the length of a commercial break. There are three names on the dance card: Chapman, Cones, and Hunter.

Cones’ notes: Nicole wants to spend time with him and get to know him. I don’t know where she’s going with this, and I’ll never find out, because Christian takes over. “How about you just sit back and listen. Just take a moment for yourself right here with me, and let’s just celebrate you. You are so strong, so gorgeous, and so intelligent.” I swear to God, Christian sounds like a yoga instructor at the end of a class as you’re in Savasana. Somehow the affirmations work and Nicole keeps Mr. Cones. They hug, and Mr. Remy sagely turns to whoever will listen and says, “He’s a happy man.” I have no idea how that follows from anything we just watched, but go Mr. Remy!

Mr. Hunter is up next. Nicole is starting to get frustrated that she has to keep telling Mr. Hunter she needs him to talk to her, and I get it. Mr. Hunter wants her to see his fun, funny, loving side, but he’s scared to open up.

“Why can’t you open up to me? Are you afraid of commitment to me?” she asks.

Mr. Hunter does the same frustrating thing he’s continuously done with her, which is when she happens to ask more than one question, he chooses to answer only one. “I’m not afraid of commitment, and I want that with you.” If I were Nicole I would be like, “Ok, what about the first question? I’ll wait.” But no, she just sends him home. The Court is tearful because Mr. Hunter was their favorite. Mr. Hunter tells us, “I always hoped I could find love in some romantic way, traveling across the sea.” I don’t know if his parents realize how formative it was for them to run away from the U.S. government with him and his sister to go sailing around the world. He seems to be chasing that high, and by that I mean the high seas.

At last we have Mr. Chapman. He’s decided he wants to give himself a chance to figure it out, and damn whether or not Nicole gets hurt more in the process. It’s time for Mr. Chapman to grow up, not matter the pain that he causes. “You broke my heart,” Nicole tells Lincoln. Lincoln apologizes and says he was being a kid, running away because he was scared. Then he says, “I want to figure out if this is just some lust fling or if this might be love,” which is NOT VERY ENCOURAGING, and ends with, “I promise you I’m all in.” What do you think “all in” means, Lincoln? You’re all in for figuring out if you love her? COOL. Clearly Nicole won’t stand for this waffling bullshit, right??

“The way he was holding my hands and the way he was looking in my eyes. You can’t fake that. I’m so happy.”

JESUS CHRIST.

Five suitors remain.

Final Thoughts:

• Given how much this show loves doing bits, I’m surprised they don’t change the location associated with Chapman each time they put the chyron up. He’s only in Nashville for like a week at a time, right?
• You know, people from reality shows often argue that they get the “villain cut”, and I’m mostly a believer in the rejoinder that the crew can’t force someone to say whatever terrible shit they said, so they’re at least partly at fault. With Mr. Hunter’s storyline about his impenetrable walls, it’s a lot harder to accept that argument. Given how dishonest this show has been in the editing room, I believe it’s totally possible that they cut the season to manufacture this storyline. All they had to do was show him being silent in response to questions, which is kind of what they did, right?
• It’s getting very frustrating watching Nicole let these men get away with breaking promises to her. Both Danny and Lincoln keep telling her how scared they are of committing and she gets upset, has her heart broken, and then they’re like, “But I do think you’re perty, garsh!” and she’s like, “That’s it, I can see the honesty in their eyes. I’m so happy!” Are we even rooting for her anymore?