Trump Needs to Eat a Snickers

The man needs a nap.

I have a two year-old son. He’s wonderful — 99% of the time. The 1% when he’s not wonderful has less to do with him and more to do with my inexperience. I can’t really blame him for getting mad or for throwing a tantrum. He’s trying to make sense of the world and sometimes it gets to be too much. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated — there have been plenty of times when I’ve wanted my own pacifier and a quiet place to cry. I’ve largely figured out how to handle these situations both for myself and for my son. My wife introduced me to the Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Method (HALT) and its helped me see my son’s outbursts in a different way. I found the idea useful enough to want to pass it along to President Trump. I believe the tenets of HALT could really help the next time he wanted to fire off an angry tweet or sign an unconstitutional executive order. Here then is how the process could play out.

Hungry?

Look Donald, you’re not you when you’re hungry. Grab a Snickers. Got something to say about the latest court ruling challenging your unbridled authority? Before you go full Twitler, take a step back and ask yourself — when was the last time I ate? We don’t make good choices when we’re hangry (this might explain your decision to hire Steve Bannon). Our bodies need proper nutrition in order to function properly. I know you love fast food but that’s a short-term solution that creates a long-term problem. Reach for something healthy, perhaps a carrot from the White House garden. Get some good food in your tummy and see what it does for you. Who knows, maybe you’ll say something that’s just dumb and not dumb and offensive.

Angry?

Let’s say you had a delicious vegan stew for lunch but are still feeling a bit grumpy. What to do? What is the source of this rage nibbling at your soul? Well Donald, you might be angry and for good reason. Your labor nominee just dropped out of contention, Michael Flynn resigned, your administration leaks more than a nose in cold season, and most people don’t like you. Phew! That’s enough to make anyone mad. Have you tried talking to someone? No, not Putin. Call a trusted friend (again, not Putin) or get advice from a coworker (still not Putin). Letting out your emotions in a constructive way will do wonders for your well-being. If it gets really bad you could always try the FBI. I’m sure they’d love to hear what you have to say.

Lonely?

Okay, you had a tofu dog and ranted to your BFF Bannon but you’re still upset. You could be lonely. Think about it. Melania lives in New York. You spend your evenings alone curled up in front of the television watching Fox in your bathrobe. Sad! It can’t help that you lost the popular vote and countless numbers of people spend their weekends protesting everything you do. Geez. You need to get out (wear something protective like riot gear or plate armor) and see friends or other campaign contributors. Humans are social beings, we need the company of others. I know you’re thinking Twitter is the place to be but it’s not. People are only listening to you on that platform because they think you will do something to help improve their station in life and we all know that isn’t true. Be among those who know and love you? Maybe open a Tinder account. You’ve already got a great profile name. Easy D!

Tired?

You’ve eaten, you’ve raged, you’ve paid for services rendered but you’re still not feeling right, you’re still wanting to do something awful. Are you getting enough sleep? You’ve been playing a lot of golf recently so you could be tired. Also, you’re president. Take the day off. Get some much needed shut eye. If I had to wager you’re not getting more than 10–12 hours a night. You’re a growing boy who needs his rest. It’s hard to think clearly when you’re sleepy. Let one of your well-vetted and thoroughly qualified staff take the reigns for a while. That, or tell them to cool it with some of their shenanigans so you don’t have to spend valuable time being held accountable by the press. This simple step could greatly reduce your stress level and ensure you’re thinking clearly and can make rational and informed decisions. Besides, you don’t want to reach the point of exhaustion and sleep through the 3 am phone call that will surely come.

Okay Donald, that’s it. Try it out. If you go through the steps and find you’re still irritable then it’s possible you’re a terrible person who is ill-suited to handle the taxing and thankless job of running the country.