The 4 letter Buddy…

Back to the four-letter word, it can also be used as an adjective, specially when placed before the word “buddy”. This is a phenomenon that I have been experimenting with this year, and I thought it deserved it’s own little rant.

Being 35 years old, divorced after a 5 year relationship, it is no secret that I’m am not a virgin! And as a sexually active being, it is no secret that I enjoy the four-letter word in its verb form (don’t we all?)… Contrary to what my mother believes, just because I’m single again, doesn’t mean I automatically turned into a 15 year-old virigin that’s supposed to sit and wait for Mr. Prince Charming to take her away in marriage, or for the new Mr. Right to whom she will gift her most precious blossom.

So what is a divorced (or single, for that matter), 35 year old woman to do with her sex life? There’s a lot of possible answers to that question. But in my culture, they are all frowned upon. They still don’t understand that us women enjoy sex as much as men do, and that it’s ok.

Here are the most obvious answers: 1) One-night stands, and 2) Booty Calls.

Let’s analyze these for a minute.

One-Night Stands: These are the result of a night out at a bar — or maybe a crazy vacation in the Caribbean — where you might get a bit too drunk and just let yourself go with the hot guy/gal that has been eye-balling you all night. You flirt, you kiss, you go home with the guy/gal, it happens, and hopefully you don’t regret it the next morning.

Booty Calls: These are recurring acts that might have begun as a one-night stand that was soooo good it deserved a repeat…and then some! They tend to happen with someone you are familiar with — or have become familiar with, for this matter.

Both have their pros and cons. Both are equally dangerous.

One-night stands can be left in the past, and forgotten if you wish. You don’t have to see your partner in crime, ever again. If it was a bad memory: erase and reboot. If it was awesome: give it a place in your personal hall-of-fame and remember it kindly every once in a while. But it’s gone, and you move on. It’s fun, though. You can blame it on destiny and booze, or you can actually go out hunting if you feel like it. It’s an adventure all on its own, hopefully with a positive outcome.

They can also be dangerous in a way, because you never truly know who you are going home with and you better have a really good built-in scanner to read people and choose wisely — or trust that the gods will not feed you to the wolves! In this case, the key is to protect yourself. Because, with all due respect, getting accidentally pregnant is really not the worst thing that could happen to you. No judging here (please save your hater comments…we are being coldly objective and realistic here), but that has a solution if you want it. What does not have a solution is getting an STD for life. That can truly ruin your life, and the lives of people around you. So for you own sake, and everybody else’s, entertain yourself wisely and responsibly, and use a condom!

Now, on the other hand, recurring booty calls are built around this “4 letter Buddy”. It’s normally someone you have grown fond of in a way, someone you trust to a certain degree, and with whom you don’t mind spending time over and over again with. This has its own pros and cons.

Pros: you build some sense of trust and comfort with this persona. There is a common unspoken rule that you kinda take care of each other, just because you are sharing something so intimate and precious that makes you both vulnerable, and nobody wants to get hurt.

Cons: but then again, it all depends on who you choose. You could easily get hurt if you run into a “succubus” or “incubus”… you know, those takers that steal all your energy from you and drain you dry. Those selfish people that really don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but themselves, and end up playing you to their advantage, even in a commonwealth situation like the “4 letter Buddy-ism”. There are plenty of those out there.

Of course, you could also choose the really awesome guy/gal that you will eventually fall in love with and then get really hurt because, of course he/she doesn’t see you as a potential mate or serious life partner, just because you are open-minded enough to be a “4 letter Buddy”, and that is all they will ever see you as.

The possibility that you will both fall deeply in love and realize you were made for each other is a serious utopia of which romantic comedies are made of, just to feed gullible, naive souls. But be no fool, this is not how it will end…not even a chance!

So what’s the point in having this “4 letter buddy”? Well, when you are a sexually active adult, with a lot of sexual energy to release — which is scientifically proven to be great for health, to de-stress, to produce some much needed endorphins, to keep you young and happy, and to even treat headaches! It is also said that people who have more sex, live longer…talk about fountain of youth! — , or when you are going through a rough patch in life and you don’t need something as complicated as a serious relationship but you could use some love and company, you need to get some of that “4 letter action”!

If you are one who prefers to avoid the hunting “bar-fly game” and the dangers of diving into the unknown with random strangers, then a “4 letter buddy” is your best bet — given that there are no eligible bachelors/bachelorettes to mingle with in hopes of establishing a life-lasting partnership…

So, if you have decided that “4 letter buddying” is for you, here are a couple of things I have learned this year, that I believe should be universal rules of “4 letter Buddy-ism”:

1. F-buddy’s should respect each other. There should be an honest communication channel so both know exactly where they are standing, in hopes of making this temporary partnership a good experience where no one gets hurt.
2. F-buddy’s should take care of each other. Takers are not allowed! You should both be givers. That’s where the beauty is. You share something intimate and beautiful, and you don’t just want to waste that on someone that doesn’t value it, nor deserve it.
3. F-buddy’s should be chosen very wisely. So many things can go wrong. Know who you are with and what you are getting into.
4. F-buddy’s should set things clear from the begining. Make some rules if you need to (like, are you exclusive or not?), but know what each expects of this situation. We are all adults (hopefully!). We should act as such.
5. F-buddy’s are all about sharing the love. That’s why you meet-up with each other, instead of going out hunting. So give it all, embrace and enjoy while you are together.
6. F-buddy’s should respect each others space. Remember, he/she is not your bf/gf! You don’t have to know where he’s/she’s at, nor what he’s/she’s doing, nor with whom. That’s the fine print in the F-buddy agreement: nobody owes nobody any explanations. So you gotta make sure you can live with that! (It kinda sounds like modern-day dating…)
7. F-buddy’s should be honest. This is really an in-depth explanation of Rule#1. You don’t owe anybody any explanations. Nonetheless, you don’t have to be an a-hole! Let your F-buddy know if you are starting to see someone else, or if you are no longer interested in him/her. It’s not fair to them, don’t make them waste their time and energy.
8. F-buddy’s shouldn’t be toxic. If you feel something’s not right, you are being used, or you feel drained after your F-buddy encounters, then by all means, please remove yourself from that situation!

So there. I hope you find this information useful, and that if you do engage in a F-buddy Commonwealth, everything runs as smooth as possible.