It’s been 2 months…
since you told me we were not going to work out together.
2 months since you told me we were not going to work out together. 2 months since I’ve been trying to make the memories I have of you less sour. 60 days that I’ve been controlling myself from checking your social media accounts. You only post landscape pictures but even those kill my heart.
It doesn’t matter if I thought everything was great between us when it wasn’t and you had big doubts. It never matters… what matters is how much I still loved you and wanted you.
But I am not a looser. I now understand that your decision to leave is out of my control. But what I don’t understand is why I can’t control my own sad, miserable, painful, unstoppable feelings. I don’t like the feeling of not being able to control my feelings. I want this pain to go away. Wake up one day and it’s all gone. But no. It’s exactly the opposite. When I think it’s getting less painful, I wake up one morning remembering I dream I had with you.
I think I did all the right things… I hid things that remembered me of you. That photograph of a camel smiling that I bought when I was last time visiting you in Dubai. I can’t stand smiling camels anymore. I started focusing on my health, I am exercising 6 times per week and I even lost some pounds. I’m watching my food intake. I’m filling up my time with social activities with friends and plans for trips to the most amazing places. From the outside it seems I’m getting my life on track, even my mom says it. I’m doing my best to keep it on track, after all I am a strong girl like you used to tell me when I was upset.
It’s taking time. More time than I’d like. I don’t want to forget you. I just want the memories I have of you to be happy ones. I don’t want to feel a punchy knife in my heart when I hear about Dubai, because Dubai only remembers me of you, and us in your tiny bedroom with that noisy bed.
I also read the horoscope because I hope to find some answer there. Something that tells me that it will all make sense someday. Like that quote from Steve Jobs you taught me:
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future”.
Logically it might make sense that we couldn’t make the pieces of the puzzle fit. But doesn’t love conquer all? Maybe not in the adult world.
I’m pushing myself not to fall into the trap of digging on the memories of you that come to my mind often. It’s like the Buddhists say:
“Thoughts are like clouds in the sky, they come and go. Don’t judge them, just let them go”.
Sometimes I cheat on myself and dig on our sweetest memories, that ski trip we took in Breckenridge, that weekend in Paris for your brother’s wedding, that day in Santorini when our car stopped in the middle of the road because we didn’t have gas. Our nicknames and internal jokes… and I am caught up again on what used to be sweet memories but now are sour, and it burns my heart in sadness. Those memories leave a very sour taste on my mouth and I decide again that it’s time to move on.
I know this pain I feel has been getting less painful, and that gives me hope. It’s not a fast recovery but even if slow I know I’ll make it someday, feel whole and ready for what’s next to come. I trust that I am doing the right things but I remember moving on doesn’t happen fast so I patiently go back to my strong, rational self and continue to focus on what matters — career, school, health, friends, family (not in this order).
I’m trying to date also, but I am not sure I’m ready yet. I tell myself it’s ok. It bothers me, but it’s ok, I tell myself again.
I don’t know when this will pass, but I am a strong girl. I have patience and grit. I know it will pass and it’ll all make sense someday, or the story isn’t over.