Beginnings and (p)Endings
On why I stopped to create
I noticed that I stopped writing or pushing things out in the open. I gave up on skillsets that I never really thought of as skills in the first place — painting, drawing and writing.
I believe I am a creative. It is probably the only adjective I am sure of my self. In fact, as narcissistic as it may sound, I’d like to pride my self in being one. And by now I’ve believed that my pride in it has stopped me to create.
I want everything that I do to best present this ‘creative’ self — I’ve created some sort of attachment to every output thinking that it’s about me. When in fact, it isn’t, it isn’t always about me, it’s simply about what I do.
The desire to be creative in everything became a standard, and it became an excuse to pause, to think rather than to act, to plan rather than to simply create, to be a failure before even making a mistake.
Being in the generation exposed to a lot of information and talent(thanks, internet), and that being in the industry to be necessarily in one, wanting to ‘stand out’ in every content that I wish to publish became a struggle — such a millennial problem, I know.
So I paused in belief that thinking about things, rather than act on whatever is actionable was the best way to it. I’ve lost count to the emails and messages I’ve sent saying ‘I’ll go over it” or “I’ll come up with something to make it better.”
The voices in my head
I thought of my self as a failure when I drafted stories that never really had the impact I wanted. I was worried about wasting time. If it’s going to be half-assed, might as well not go for it is something I always tell my self.
And guess what, self, everything is bound to be half-assed; that every thing is always a potential to become better.
I thought I had more time for ideas to become perfect in a comeback.
No one is really expecting me to come up with something that can, say, boost sales up to a hundred, or change the world in a single blog post. It was when I stopped to create that did the failure for me.
I always thought I had more time. And this was the second greatest mistake next to not allowing my self to have an avenue for mistakes.
There are always going to be little voices in your head saying there are better ways to do it, there really are better ways to do it, but don’t lose its the potential for it to become better by wanting it to be perfect.
To be perfect is to keep everything in your head, cause it is the only place where perfect happens. To be perfect is to be mistake-free, to try to be perfect is to apologize for everything eventually.
Now, where’s the creative in that.
There are always going to be reasons not to do it, and creativity is about looking for that one reason to simply do. It’s not about doing things recklessly, it’s about simply doing it and start to improve from there.
Creativity is about choosing not be stuck, for everyday of your life.
It’s about showing up, it’s about being unparalyzed.
As I look back into works that I’ve published, I noticed how I’ve come to appreciate them altogether — and they were all done in phases where I simply did not just think about getting things out there. To be honest, I am not proud of all the pieces, but I am truly proud of it as a whole. The thought of me having the ability to write/draw/paint astounds me.
And maybe that’s what we should try to create, not the single award winning piece, but parts to a whole body of works to look back to. To assess on, to learn from.
Don’t worry about failing or disappointing. Worry about not giving it the chance to become better by not getting it out of your head at all.
And I wish that I could end this with something inspirational or at least something to get you on your feet too.
But I don’t, not yet at least. I can only begin to create things again. I want this to be my last apology, and hopefully, this is finally the beginning to everything that was pending.