Being Grateful
I am haunted by the idea that I will one day die from the most potent way I know, which is dying from the limits of my own freedom, taking my life at a time when living is just too hard. Over the years I have gone through countless therapy sessions, have worked the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and have prayed hard for this limit on my existence to be removed. God give me the grace to let go, to be present, to live a life that I cannot fathom. Prayer is powerful, but I do not believe it to be powerful enough to relieve the notion that I will one day give in to ending my existence.
Recently, my therapist fired me. I had missed a session, and I had sent a diary card suggesting the fact that I was struggling but in my mind working through some pretty heavy shit. I had made amends to my mom, and she said flatly that she could never forgive me and the only way I could be okay is if there was a magic pill that would just relieve me of all my insanity. This hurt more than anything she has ever said to me and I was convinced that I was going to kill myself as soon as she finished talking to me. I would be relieved from the struggle. I would confirm the ghost of my shame. I would confirm her claim that I could never be forgiven.
In this very instant I prayed that I could for a very short time forgive myself for all the mistake that I was, and that I could for an instance find grace where I could not find any before. I prayed harder than I ever prayed and for once something did change. I allowed grace to enter my life. I was no longer a mistake but a person that made mistakes. I had cleaned my ego and for a single instance I could breathe. The relief I felt was profound and for once in my life I felt like my spirit was here and present. I was at that moment a part of a miracle that kept me here. There was real grace and I was a part of said grace.
Relief is great but it only temporary. Since going through the amends I come back to earth. I am not in this divine realm, but I am also not in this shitty realm, struggling to figure how and why I exist. I am here and I am present. I try to live my amends by being honest and living up to the person that I want to be rather than the person I should be. I am working my job to the best of my ability. I am trying to work out on a regular basis. I am striving to be more healthy. I am put simply living to the best that I can and for me that is alright. I am here and each day I am doing a little bit better. I still haven’t found relief from the idea that one day I won’t be here but that day is not today and for that I am forever grateful.
