Surviving a Breakup. Part 1
Eat, all of the carbs, everything in sight. Food, in this case, is your friend. Your ability to do planks and sit-ups will be there in two weeks.
Drink, alcohol. Drink until your mood lifts, that weight on your chest lessens and you know you will be hungover tomorrow. I recommend a nice Sauvignon Blanc.
Masturbate. When your hand and/or wrist cramps and your genitalia is sore you know you’ve gone too far.
Scream into a pillow. Loud and with abandon. That deep, intense scream that you made when you found your dog dead on the living room rug at the age of 7.
Cry, as often as you fucking like. Cry at your desk, in the shower, while on the subway. Cry like no one is watching because you are fighting a battle no one else knows about, yet everyone knows about because heartache is universal.
Watch sappy, yet ultimately uplifting movies that will give you a semblance of hope that you’ll find love again. Personally, I recommend “Under the Tuscan Sun.” The Diane Lane, Sandra Oh combo gets me all the time.
Be angry. Even if it was your fault there will be time to reflect later. I feel that anger best helps mask the initial shock, sadness and hopelessness.
See a therapist. A good one that makes you understand that this was inevitable and focuses on the maladaptive relationship patterns that you’ve held your entire life.
Spend time with a dog, preferably a puppy, and if you are allergic spend time with a hypoallergenic one. Is anyone actually upset around a dog?
If you find a rebound make sure it’s not a total douche who’s going to make you feel worse about yourself. Pick a nice guy that would be datable if he wasn’t bald or had a better face.
Dance. There is nothing like going through a breakup and being at a club with your friends and “Dancing on my own” comes on. Leave everything you have in you on the dance floor.
Your friends are your friends. Rely on them, call them, text them, show up at their house wasted with mascara running down your face. They know you will return the favor one day. Despite what your mind may say loneliness is never your friend.
Don’t be a cunt. No one likes them. Just because you are going through a breakup it does not allow you to be an asshole.
Start a new hobby. It’ll take your mind off of your heartache and hopefully also make yourself more marketable when you decide to get back out there.
Take baths with candles, with wine, with Chinese takeout, with cigarettes, with essential oils, with bath bombs.
Feel free to block people on social media or take a social media break yourself. Don’t play those games of who seems better or less devastated. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.
Beware of sex with your ex. It can be a slippery slope back to heartbreak.
Feel free to pray to some god for strength. If you believe in a being that pledges continual faithfulness it might not be a terrible idea.
Even if it sounds crazy stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you will be happy.
Remind yourself that things get better and everything will pass, constantly.
