Donald Trump Tosses Paper Towels to Parkland Families

Erik Sternberger
Feb 21, 2018 · 2 min read
(photo credit NBC News)

Parkland, FL — Flanked by Florida Governor Rick Scott and Senator Marco Rubio, President Trump gave a somber speech to the grieving friends and families of the 18th school shooting of 2018, before grabbing a roll of Bounty paper towels. “This is my favorite part,” said the 45th President of the leading Nation in mass shootings, while lobbing the absorbent material at the hurting community.“Trump handed towels to Marco and Rick,” said Jennifer Landis, who had hidden in a closet for two hours to avoid being shot, “He said that he could get his towels further into the crowd and bet them dessert at his Mar a Lago resort”.

While the politicians stressed their refusal to take any questions, the crowd — whose turnout Trump called “Bigger than any of Obama’s school shootings” — had plenty for the men. “ I asked The President what specifically he was going to do to make our schools safer,” said Robert Menendez, an AP Science teacher, “ He told me that this was not the time to be political, but that the wall would make sure illegals were not in our school system. “I tried to point out that the shooter was an American citizen, but I was hit in the head with a roll of paper towels.”

Trump, jovially declared that the shot had earned Marco Rubio double ice-cream. After five minutes, Scott announced that the men had to leave, and volunteers would hand out the rest of the supplies. Rubio briefly stayed behind to remind the crowd that it would be unfair to blame legislators for these continued shootings in any way before signing an autograph with an NRA branded pen.

“I can’t wait for the next time I get to do this!” Trump said, sending one last roll of towels into the crowd that was still demanding answers.

Erik Sternberger

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Comedy writer, screenwriter and improvisor that always listens to the Star Wars soundtrack when driving in a snow storm. All work linked at