Hurricanes, Spirals and Other Swirling Things
I’m not a person who’s especially adept at multi-tasking or managing a lot of moving parts all at once. I know this about myself. I’m an introvert who deeply values time alone to recharge. When my life and schedule are crammed with shit, I start looking at my to-do list and calendar obsessively, trying to plan and re-plan my next steps so that I’m getting the most done in the most efficient way. It pulls me off-center, it gets harder to find joy in the small moments and it’s nearly impossible for me to focus on the present because I’m existing wholly in the future. I get burnt out and defensive and crazy.
Sometimes, I 100% wish that this were not true. I met a woman last night who is a practicing attorney, has 5 kids (ages 9, 7 ,5 , 3 and 4 months), runs half-marathons and also mentors TWO at-risk youths. She was bubbly and happy and said she doesn’t have a problem with it because she really loves everything she does. Holy shit. She seemed sincere and I really don’t think she’s on drugs. I found myself longing to have that optimism and energy to do ALL THE THINGS and enjoy it at the same time.
I really do admire her, but that’s never going to be me. If I had 5 children under the age of 9, I would consider wearing pants to be a huge accomplishment and I would brag about it to everyone if it ever happened. I think I would cry a lot and wash my hair even less than I do now. I won’t be a Super Mom, I’m not a Martha Stewart Domestic Goddess and as much as I want to, I’m not sure I believe I can ‘have it all.’
Writing that out feels good and helps me come back to center. I always get a bit of clarity when I can organize my thoughts outside of my head. I can accept my flaws and forgive myself for missteps; I can appreciate the strengths of others and be proud of myself at the same time. We are all different and that is beautiful.
Sometimes when I’m in the middle of the overwhelm that comes with commitments, I feel like I’m sitting in the eye of a hurricane. I see all the requirements and to-do’s swirling around me loudly and violently with an ominous darkness. Soon the eye will move and I’ll get sucked into the storm. It’s an anxious place, an outward looking place. During a guided mediation class last night, I realized that maybe I can enjoy being in the eye. I can sit with calm and be untouched by the sinister chaos and panic outside if I gaze inward. Maybe I can move with the eye and remain in the center the whole time. Maybe it can protect me, if I let it.
Life is (hopefully) long and filled with second chances to make better choices and break default responses. My calendar is jammed with events for the next 6 weeks and I care deeply about all of them; I’m going to fight to stay centered, enjoy my hard work and resist panic. I’m not perfect, but I’m important and I have a lot to offer. I am grateful for my calendar and I can learn to feel peace when I see it.
