I’ve replayed and I’ve thought back the last 8 to 9 months of my life and the person I look in the mirror and see today is not the same person I was. Your mother yesterday, regardless of her intentions, made me realize something about myself. I have lost everything I fought to be. I spent months figuring myself out and being real with myself about my actions and everything in my life was falling into place. That’s why I was so hesitant when you reached out to me and begged me to give you a chance. I knew better. Despite all of that, I’ve figured it out and I just got off track. I fell into something that was false and something that was never really going to be, just a passing ship in my sea. From the moment you cheated on me, I started noticing differences in myself. I stayed and forgave, really forgave and trusted, tried to work through it, but the small marks of doubt that clouded everything I saw from then on just grew. I stopped being that carefree, happy-go-lucky, independent woman I worked to become and instead became lost in you and your world. I knew that it was wrong for me to be with you, meet your son, I knew your words had no solid ground behind them and I just kept falling further away from the healthy things I knew were right. The anxiety built up so bad that each bad day, each distant moment, became unbearable to the point that I felt if I wasn’t getting your reassurance and your love then I needed to force it. Eventually, the woman I knew when we first spent time together was gone. She had taken one look into your eyes and instead of running, she grabbed your hand and she fought to be there. She had let every moment she was taken for granted define her. She made a mistake, for herself and for you. It took me the last few months to really find the strength to see what I felt in the first place and it’ll take me even longer to really get it to stick. But I will. And I will be okay. Because I realize now you were never meant to be anything more than a lesson for me, I was only meant to be a pawn in the mess you’ve made of your life. I see the right and the wrong here. I now understand the cycle.
