learning self care

self-care isn’t easy, though they make it seem like it is in
glamorous
but minimalistic Instagram worthy photoshoots
of bubble baths, houseplants, facemasks
and gym selfies in designer athleisure
it isn’t always because it is more
it’s confronting yourself with a critical
but non-judgmental eye
(try wrapping your head around that one)
and realize how your own behavior is destructive or damaging
to you and others
confronting the sludge in our bellies we pretend not to see
as it weighs down our veins with every passing heartbeat
and then making the conscious effort to not just know, let it pass,
and go to bed as we are eaten alive so
slowly we don’t even know it
but to change.
and change is not easy.
or pretty.
it’s learning that when a pounding heartbeat
one that get louder as paranoia and webMD
murder rational thought
and learning, despite the urge
to put the damn phone down
it’s picking the pill bottle off the counter,
and instead of flushing the pills into the void
of the swirling toilet
and the fear deep within,
doing what the doctor recommended
it’s rewiring you brain
after years of seeing the world one way
to poke yourself after a noxious thought creeps in
and say “No.
rethink. relearn. refocus
find a positive.
shoveling tar out of the soul takes work,
but i am tired of feeling infected, so
i need to get to work
