I’m not sure if I’m replying in the right place — I can’t always navigate in Medium. Anyway, I guess my main response is that I hope you do have places where you can take breaks and turn it all off. Spaces where you can be fully you as a queer person — and that includes venting about well-meaning non-queer people who do things that frustrate you (because we absolutely will) in a space where you know you won’t be challenged.
It’s not true that it doesn’t take any energy to listen though, or there wouldn’t be so many contentious conversations right now about the complicated nature of intersectionality. I agree that the kind of introspection you advocate for is a good idea. But people who get their own their own, or with some loving nudging, are a lot more likely to take it to heart. When you challenge someone in this way you are asking emotional labor of them, and I agree with the author of this piece that people always have a right to say no to that, depending on where they’re at and what they feel capable of.
Finally, it is absolutely an injustice that white/straight/male etc. people have a much greater ability to turn off their discomfort/vulnerability around these issues than do POC/queer/female people, etc. It doesn’t follow, though, that it is then okay to expect that people in privileged groups voluntarily embrace the amount of discomfort you would deem fair (I’m not saying you’re saying this, but I’ve seen a lot of people who do). Ask? Sure. But recognize that it’s a fairly big ask.
And as you say, perfectly fine that we may just disagree about this.