Thank you for sharing your experiences, Jennifer. I’m not going to pick apart the parts of your post that I disagree with. There’s too much. Instead, if you’ll have me, I’d like to share a little of my experience, as a 26-year-old (trans) woman.

A lot of your post feels very familiar. I felt the same way you do, when I was around 20-ish. It was a strange mix of feelings, actually, because on one hand, I knew I was trans, but I was also in hardcore denial. The part of me that knew I was trans, thought I simply live my life undercover, without transitioning, because it was simpler to not transition. The part that was in denial feared that that I wouldn’t be happy being some “half-assed shemale freak”. Maybe it was all just some twisted fetish. Don’t real trans women like men? I’m bi. My body would never be how it was in my dreams. I’d never have the childhood I wanted. Why bother?

The depression and dysphoria were too strong. Every night, in a tradition that I upheld as far back as I could remember, I wished upon every star, prayed to every god, offered my soul to Satan and every demonic figure, etc… I figured that even though I’m atheist, it was worth a shot. I came close to killing myself on more occasions I can count. I spent so much time sleeping and playing video games as an escape, because it was in dreams and in my games that I could be who I felt I should be. And literally none of my friends knew any of that.

I kept telling myself that the path I was taking was easier. At first, I told myself that trans people were freaks, then I told myself that they deserve respect but it “wasn’t for me,” and finally, at 24, I came to a point where I needed to transition, or I was going to die.

It’s been a bit over two years, and I’m quite happy with myself. I have barely any lingering internalized transphobia or misogyny. The little remaining dysphoria comes from my “equipment” and from my lack of ability to have children (not that I really even want children, which is confusing to me). And I’m finally “over” the childhood I didn’t get to have. In my everyday life, my being trans rarely comes up, which makes me quite privileged. Still, even though I blend well into cis society, I am very much “out” about being trans.

I’m thankful that you shared your experiences, and I hope you’re happy in whatever decisions you make. Transitioning *isn’t* for everyone, and it’s certainly not easy or cheap.

For me, it was easier to transition than to try to pretend I’m a cis man, but that’s my own experience. I have some friends who are trans, but don’t have much dysphoria, and are fine with not transitioning. I also know many non-binary folks, genderqueer people, etc, who don’t plan to medically do anything, but take refuge in their expression. And I know some trans women who have started medical transition, and years later still live undercover as “men”. It’s amazing how different two people can be from one another, even when both fall under the “trans” umbrella.

In many ways, transitioning allowed me to begin my life. That tradition, upheld for so long, ended at 24. I no longer spend so much time worrying about what I’m not, and instead I find I actually like myself.

Feel free to reach out to me via twitter (@erisrenee) if you need someone to talk to.