Three existential ideas that help overcome regret
I attempted to live my early 20s by the philosophy of “no regrets”, brainwashing myself to believe that regret was a unworthy state of mind to be in. I did nothing to manage the emotion, convincing myself that I could simply set aside the feeling when it arose.
Regret came back with a vengeance at the end of my 20s. Little did I know that by proclaiming “no regrets” I only repressed the emotion, making it fester within the depths of my mind. My seeming boldness and embrace of life with no regret was only a mask and (false) brave face, failing to deal with the deeper reality of life.
I desperately needed mental tools to deal with the overwhelming sense of regret I experienced. I habitually ruminated on the opportunity costs, life decisions and “what ifs” in my life.
Three existential philosophers equipped me with the ideas and mental tools I needed to manage my regrets effectively.
The inevitability of regret
“I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations — one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it — you will regret both.”- Soren Kierkegaard
It was harsh realization, to acknowledge that life comes with regrets, especially coming from the guy who proclaimed “no regrets.” Providing the emotion of regret the space to breath was the initial steps I needed.
The normalization of regret began for me with the ideas introduced by Soren Kierkegaard.
“Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will also regret that; hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the sum and substance of all philosophy.”- Soren Kierkegaard
He suggests that every decision brings regret, as you become aware of the missed consequences and rewards of the choices you didn’t choose.
“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.”- Soren Kierkegaard
In another sense, fantasizing about a future you could have had is as fruitless and ruminating about past decisions, especially in light of how inevitable it is to experience regret in the midst of any decision making process.
The only way of being is to then embrace the present and live in the moment, making the best decision for yourself here with the knowledge you have now.
Ruminating on the past and fantasizing about a future you could have had will only exacerbate life’s inevitable regrets.
Amor fati
My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it- all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary- but love it.- Friedrich Nietzsche
Introduced to me through Friedrich Nietzsche, Amor fati is translated to English as “the love of one’s fate.” Amor fati empowers us to embrace the totality of existence, having faith that no matter what transpires- in joy and suffering- that life is inherently right.
For me, Amor fati was a powerful and radical weapon in my tool belt against not only regret, but other tough emotions as well.
It calls for a resolute acceptance of all occurrences in one’s life, with unyielding strength and encompassing gratitude, wanting nothing to be different one way or the other.
Human beings spend so much time regretting, grieving and yearning for how life could have gone better. We spend much of our lives fixing, altering and planning in order to mitigate potential consequences.
Nietzsche urges for a profoundly different perspective towards the unavoidable groans and regrets of life. He encourages us towards a fatalistic surrender and embrace of all the horrors and wonders of life, loving your own lot in life in completion.
Embracing the absurdity of life
“If I convince myself that this life has no other aspect than that of the absurd, if I feel that its whole equilibrium depends on that perpetual opposition between my conscious revolt and the darkness in which it struggles, if I admit that my freedom has no meaning except in relation to its limited fate, then I must say that what counts is not the best living but the most living.”- Albert Camus
I’ve been struck by the writings of Albert Camus since reading “The Stranger” in high school. Coming across his ideas concerning the absurdity in life in his essay “The Myth of Sisyphus” provided me with another mental framework to manage feelings of regret.
Although I cannot fully get behind seeing life as meaningless, I can see the utility in perceiving the absurdity in much of existence.
Like the Myth of Sisyphus, life can often feel as futile as rolling a boulder up a mountain, only to have it roll back down again in an endless, meaningless and absurd cycle of events.
But in its absurdity, Camus asserts that life must be embraced with vitality instead of succumbing to despair. For if life is truly meaningless, then it is our duty as human beings to revel in the beauty of our day to day lives, in a rebellious triumph over nihilism.
“If there is a sin against life, it consists not so much in despairing as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this one.”- Albert Camus
By embracing the absurdity of our existence, Camus implores us to love, with great enthusiasm and vitality, the simple beauties that life has already afforded us.
Instead of regretting our decisions and wasting our time ruminating over what could be, we have a choice to revel in the warm sunshine, exhilarate ourselves with a breath taking hike or embrace our loved ones with a hug and kiss.
With the realization that life is absurd and void of any real rhyme or reason, we can know that nothing matters and therefore everything matters, existing on the brink of despair yet living life with great triumph and intensity.
