So, it is the beginning of a new year. And to be honest, this year hasn’t started well. I mean, things are good. But, I felt that I am somewhat losing control of myself. I smoke a lot these days, even more than before, but I guess I had it coming. I got angry pretty easily these days, and I cannot control my anger. I don’t know why. A few days ago, I had a dinner out in someplace. And the waitress treated me like shit because I asked her to clean the tables because it was dirty and it was her job. And she treated me like shit. And I decided that I had it and when she returns my money I say “fuck you” to her, angrily. And on the drive home, there’s this couple riding a motorcycle and changes lane awfully, and made me so much angrier. So I honk a lot at them, open my window, and shouted “stupid asshole”. God damn, my anger’s loaded and I decided to spill them out right away. What happened?
a few days after that I decided that I wanted to go out, have a coffee, and chill. It’s 2.30 PM, and it’s blazing hot here. I tried to start my motorcycle, and then it decided not to start. And I keep on trying, and after an hour I decided I’ve had enough of it, hit the speedometer and suddenly the glass that cover the speedometer breaks, and flew. I got surprised, and I felt that there’s something hurt on my hand. I look at my hand, and saw blood everywhere, and it is dripping all over my pants.
What happened to me? Why my anger’s been exploding like shit these days? It’s like I cannot control it. I thought I’ve gained control over it. It’s been pretty long since the day I got mad like crazy.
I don’t know, I really had no idea. Everything seems to bother me these days and I hate the fact that I am easily bothered by these things.
I guess I understand why I exploded back then. I mean, it’s a little bit obvious that I hated whatever that I was doing back then, such as my studies, my life in a day to day basis, in everything. Nothing has actually ever been great, until I found someone. No, not a god damn lover, which I actually craved. I found a friend, someone who’s been in my life for quite a while but we never got in touch until covid and lockdown and shit. Then finally, I had some great social interaction. Not to say that my friends aren’t great, but sometimes, there’s those indicators when I am tired of those guys because I simply out grew them. I am a much more matured man than them at the same age. Fucking hell I started living alone abroad at 15, managed to survive those 3 years at Malang.
I mean shits are great now to be fair. I went through last semester which is a pain in my fucking ass, and I passed all of my studies. I finally went somewhere, a little escape from this little island called Batam, and for once after a long time, I finally got to do what I really loved and always do; Travelling. Now, here I am, at the beginning of September, trying to figure out how to buy myself a motorcycle that I really craved for months. Life couldn’t be better than this, right?
But the thing is, I said all of those stuff because I am lonely as hell. Even though I have a lot of friends that can accompany me at all time, it isn’t enough. Sometimes I found myself sitting alone in the dark, smoking menthols and wondering why am I like this. And when things will change.
And it hits me. Things won’t change anytime soon. Unless you decide to. Unless you want to.
I guess, I like this loneliness, even if it’s only a small part of me.