Americans have pretty much ruined MOST holidays

Photo by Kotivalo (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

Holidays are less about celebrating presidents, saints, soldiers, freedom and family than about drinking, long weekends and “blowout” sales. Even Cinco de Mayo — which belongs to Mexico! — has been co-opted to add our own debauchery.

Here is what your current holiday calendar (/drinking game) looks like, America:

  • New Year’s Eve: Drinking with a stop at midnight for “Woo!”
  • Martin Luther King Day: Three-day weekend! **two-drink minimum
  • Groundhog Day: Drinking likely involved in the making of this holiday.
  • Valentine’s Day: Drinking, candy consumption, commercialized spending.
  • Presidents’ Day: “Blowout” sales.
  • St. Patrick’s Day: Drinking + Irish food and drinking.
  • Easter: Candy consumption.
  • *Cinco de Mayo: Drinking + Mexican food, *not even our holiday!
  • Memorial Day: Three-day weekend** to start “summer.”
  • Independence Day: Multiple-day weekend** with fireworks.
  • Labor Day: Three-day weekend** to end “summer.”
  • Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur: September off for Jewish people.
  • Columbus Day: Drinking + Italian food.
  • Veterans Day: “Blowout” sales.
  • Halloween: Drinking in slutty costumes and candy consumption.
  • Thanksgiving: Drinking, overeating and “blowout” sales.
  • Christmas: Drinking and commercialized spending.

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