I’m a dark skinned woman born to a light skin mother, and anytime I take one look at her, I get down. I get lowly as I remember the many times I have been compared to her in worst ways that people assume. A daughter shouldn’t feel that way, but I do.
I just experienced something, and for the umpteenth time, I tried expressing myself to my mother for her to understand that it isn’t easy being told by people who look like you that you’re not worth anything with you dark skin. As always, she got upset and told me I was overreacting.
So now I write this…
and I wonder if I need to go to a doctor or something. Maybe my mom was right. She spent so much time telling me I’m not as ugly as the others think I am and to just hold myself up high, but then I’d remember small instances where she’d remove her veil and show me what she really thought of me being dark.
Like the time when she jokingly confessed that she didn’t expect me to look the way I did.
The times where she ‘pretended’ she didn’t hear anyone asking me why I do not look like her.
Where, more than once, she told me she preferred a mixed grandchild over a black grandchild.
And the time where she said to me while driving in the car that she hated the idea of me being with a black boyfriend.
I feel like I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time and to the wrong person. I tell myself that I have to shake this off and be strong and independent like all black women say we should be, but I cannot.
I cried to her about this, but the problem with me is that each time I cry, I annoyingly do so in a way that would frustrate and piss the hell out of her
And I totally understand. At 25 going on 26, I shouldn’t have crying fits.
I shouldn’t think too much over what people think of me.
I should just ‘move on’.
I don’t know much about colorism, but I know that when I experience it, it makes me want to go to an empty room and kill myself. It makes me think that I’ve been a waste being born, and that I am a constant eyesore whenever people see me stand next to my mom.
It makes me question what I am and how do I even have confidence in myself if the very same people who are like me, see me as some form of feces?