The top 10 weirdest sex related deaths and accidents that will make an erotic massage look innocent

This week’s ‘Freaky Friday’ post is pretty horrible, but it’s just what you need to get your vow of celibacy rolling. In this day and age, ‘getting creative’ with sex is normal, but then the idiots out there take it way too far and hurt or even kill themselves whilst getting jiggy with it. If you want to explore your sex life or just want to get a little naughty, put down whatever strange instrument you’re planning on using and just book in for an erotic massage, okay. They a far less life-threatening, trust me.

1. Together in electric dreams

In 2008, a Pennsylvanian couple decided to add a little ‘spark to their relationship’, but sadly for 29 year old Kirsten, they took the phrase a little too literally. Turns out the couple regularly used electricity as a part of their sexual endeavours, but it all went horribly wrong when husband Tony administered a lethal shock to his wife one evening. Using the nipple clamps attached to a power cord, Tony accidentally electrocuted his wife during foreplay and she sadly died later in hospital. Despite pleading that her death was accidental, Tony was found guilty of voluntary manslaughter and was sentenced to 20–40 years in prison. Woah, must have been a massive shock to the system… But in the words of Oasis, ‘She’s electriccccc’.

2. Poisonous poonannie

It’s safe to say most of us have been in a toxic relationship before, but in 2013, that phrase took a whole new meaning. A Brazillian woman who has never been named was rushed to hospital after filling her vagina with poison and encouraging her husband to perform oral sex on her. In a seriously bizarre (and not well thought out) bid to kill her spouse, the woman ended up being rushed to hospital after her hubby grew concerned about the weird substance coming from her vagina. Despite dousing her genitals with enough poison to kill him twice over, the woman was seemingly unaware of the fact that she’d actually poison herself in the process as well. I mean come on, seriously? But hey, thumbs up for creativeness!

3. The cucumber killing

Before you jump to conclusions, no, someone wasn’t beaten to death with a cucumber; although that would be pretty funny. But don’t worry; this next tale is still pretty ridiculous. On July 19 th , 2014, German salesman Oliver Dietmann frantically called emergency services after finding his lover, Rica, unconscious. Despite their best efforts, Rica fell into a coma and eventually died after her air supply was cut off for too long. The cause of death: a cucumber became lodged down her throat and caused her to suffocate. The 46 year old later explained that he had asked Rica to start stimulating the cucumber and then left the room for a matter of minutes. When he returned, Rica had clearly bitten off more than she could chew and was completely unresponsive. Despite being spared jail, Dietmann was convicted of negligent homicide and was given a 20 month suspended sentence and a hefty fine. I doubt he will ever look at a cucumber in the same way ever again…

4. The bright idea

If I was to rate the protagonist of this next story on a scale of 1-moron; he’d surpass the scale, and then some. A couple of years ago, a young Croatian man almost bled to death after sexually experimenting with a rather delicate household item. Although surgeons managed to save the teen’s life, it later emerged that his severe internal bleeding was caused by hundreds of shards of glass. OUCH. Turns out Mr.Bright Spark thought it would be fun to shove a light bulb up his anus, despite the fact they’re insanely delicate. Worryingly, there are videos across the internet of men and women doing the exact same thing, despite being seriously risky and just downright stupid. I don’t think I’ll be shopping for light bulbs anytime soon…

5. The Priest and the Potato

Unfortunately, this isn’t the title of a children’s book, this the real-life story of a priest and his multi-functioning potato. Back in 2008 in Sheffield, the country was left in hysterics after this bizarre story hit headlines. Whilst hanging up some curtains, the middle-aged priest claims to have fallen off his chair and quite conveniently landed on a potato that became lodged up his backside. How did it penetrate through his underwear, do you ask? Well, he just so happened to be naked at the time as well, believe it or not! I mean, what are the chances of that?! But anyway, the unnamed priest ended up having emergency surgery to retrieve the spud from his colon, because apparently, it’s actually quite dangerous to insert vegetables up your arse. Let’s just hope he doesn’t ‘accidently’ fall onto a potato again, ey!

6. An EEL-y tale

In 2012, the world was left horrified when a Chinese man’s emergency surgery became world news. He didn’t have a heart attack, nor did his lung collapse, instead, doctors rushed to retrieve the 20-inch swamp eel wriggling around in his body. What. The. F***. Doctors reported that the eel had gnawed through the 39-year-old’s colon and was making its way through his body in attempt to ‘find its way out’. Ewwwwww. Turns out the guy’s mates had put him up to the challenge as a joke, but it all went downhill when he stopped clenching and the eel slid right up his shitter. Although he nearly died in the process and actually got done for animal cruelty, it hasn’t stopped other weirdo’s across the world practicing this r-eely weird sex game and posting it all over the internet. Sicko’s!

7. Barking up the wrong tree

In October 2008, Ireland was left in a state of shock after an incredibly disturbing tale of a woman and a German shepherd dog took the media by storm. According to the dog’s owner, the mother- of- four had arrived at his house one afternoon to live out her sick sexual fantasy- getting it doggy style (literally), after arranging the meet up online. However, owner Sean McDonnell was forced to call emergency services after a couple of hours when the unnamed woman turned blue and fell unconscious. Coroners would later explain that the deceased had suffered from an allergic reaction to the German Shepherds semen and died as a result. Anyone thrown up yet? Because I know I have. Well, if there was ever a sign from above that you shouldn’t fuck your dog; that was most definitely it. At least she died happy though, right?

Photo from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sabre_saw

8. Well we all saw that coming…

In 2013, a couple from Maryland, USA decided to raid the tool box in the garage. No, they weren’t fixing a table nor tightening some screws, they were looking to spice up their sex life. Unsurprisingly, their bright idea ended up being a one-way ticket to the emergency room for the unnamed woman, who was left with a mutilated vagina (ouch). Turns out, Mr.handyman decided to attach a dildo to the blade of a saber saw so that he could ram it up his girlfriend at supersonic speed. Of course, the saw cut through the dildo almost instantaneously and ripped apart his girlfriend’s lady parts .Although she lived to tell the tale, it’s safe to say neither of them went near a tool box ever again. I bet she’s still feeling saw even now.

Photo from http://www.wikiwand.com/en/Belt_(mechanical)

9. What a load of bollocks

To all of my male readers: please be aware that the next post contains distressing details of male genital mutilation. Please note that we will not be taking responsibility for any trauma caused as a result of reading on. Side effects may include horrible nightmares and a heightened appreciation for your balls.

Back in the 90’s, an unmarried machinist decided to have some one-on- one time with his favourite machine whilst his colleagues went out to grab some lunch. Instead of manually rubbing his balls like most normal people, he instead decided to let his canvas drive- belt do it for him. Approaching orgasm, the unnamed guy lost concentration and leaned in too closely to the belt. This resulted in his scrotum becoming caught between the drive belt and the pulley-wheel, ripping off his left testicle and sending him flying through the air. If you’re not horrified enough as it is, the panicked worker was so frenzied, he proceed to STAPLE his scrotum back together and continued to work. It wasn’t until days later that he eventually drove himself to hospital where doctors were shocked to find his scrotum had swelled to twice the size of a grapefruit and was oozing puss and blood. Want to hear the best part? He claimed that the entire thing was a freak accident. Totally understandable, I mean don’t men operating dangerous, metal machinery always work with their dicks hanging out? I highly doubt this guy will be having kids anytime soon, although, it’s probably a good thing, let’s be honest…

10. Quit horsing around

As tradition, I always leave the best (or worst for that matter) till last. Let’s call it the icing on a cake, a cake made entirely of fucking morons. As such, this next story wins the title for the weirdest sex related death- although weird doesn’t even begin to cover it.

In July 2005, a man known as ‘Mr Hands’ became famous across the world. This alias was attached to a story titled, ‘The Enumclaw horse sex case’, which resulted in a new law being established in Washington. If you haven’t already guessed, Mr. Hands, real name, Kenneth Pinyan, died as a result of a perforated colon after having anal sex with a horse nicknamed ‘big dick’. As the video of the event circulated around the internet, Washington discovered that the farm where Mr Hands had travelled to and died at was being advertised as an animal brothel- apparently that’s a thing. It was revealed that Mr Hands wasn’t the first man to have had sex with a horse at the farm, and even more disturbingly, it actually turned out to be a regular thing. Unfortunately for Mr. Hands, his body wasn’t able to handle the stallions 3- meter long penis and later died from his internal injuries after being mounted and rammed. Some have branded this tale as sad, whereas others believe Mr Hands got what he deserved for abusing an animal- I just think it’s downright distributing. Luckily, Washington have since deemed bestiality as a grade C felony, punishable with a 5 year jail sentence, but let’s just hope this horrific tales stops other people from living out this unnatural fetish.


So, that concludes this week’s fucked up post, and it’s safe to say I’m never having sex ever again. But more importantly, people really need to stop shoving things up their arse… If you do so happen to be that passionate about anal play, just book in for a prostate massage and let an EXPERT do it for you. Jesus.


Thank you Oriental Massages for help with the article.

http://www.oriental-massages.co.uk/

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