Without a place

Everything started the day I died. I woke up despite the fact I didn’t want to. My breath taste as alcohol, I feel dizzy and the brown-grey carpet was the first thing I saw when my eyes were open. What did I do wrong? Why I’m still here!? This’s is heaven? Why heaven looks like my apartment? I was wondering. It’s look like an entire bottle of whisky and a bunch of antidepressants was not enough to shot me down.

Damn It!

In my entire life I never had that feeling to be part of something and I don’t know why. Well, I know why, just I don’t want to tell you, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Maybe and just maybe, is because since I was a child I enjoy the fact to be alone and I always felt like I was too worried about everything.

At the age of five I already know how to cook and how to ironing my clothes to go to school, at ten I was changed pampers and babysitting to my little three months years old nice, at fourteen I was trying to be the stronger enough to support my crumbling family, so I always feel different, like I don’t fit.

I was born in a little port town in the middle of Chilean coast, and I can’t remember if I was happy there, too small, too boring, so the idea to left the country was growing slowly in my head. First when the opportunity presents itself, I went out to study in a bigger city, when college ends, I went out again to work to a bigger city, but since I put my first step in that place, I knew I was going to leave the country.

Took me almost ten years to have the courage to do it. I left everything behind, my professional career, my friend, my family, my stuff. I sold everything and I bought a to New York City and it felt like I was buying a ticket to start again and I’m afraid about it. I’m afraid because I’m alone and I need to encourage myself to embrace this new way to live, in view of the fact I don’t want to die in a brown-gray filthy carpet because I was bored. I want to see the world, I want to keep moving and learn how to be a nomad in this era.

I need to learn to accept the idea that I will never find a place where I feel part of it and be cool about that, and the most important thing, I need to learn how to be happy living as a stranger without a place.

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