Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. I didn’t know you that well. I mean, I watched you while my family watched me. You were reckless, but I thought to myself, how would I act if I would have known? For me it happened so quickly. One minute I’m rushing to catch the bus. The next minute, I’m looking down at my parents and machines are going beep, beep, beep.
So I wandered around the hospital and saw you in the ER. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I followed as you went through all of the tests. I tried to hold your hand when they told you the news. It wasn’t good. Three months at the most. I followed you home. I watched you try to drown out reality with alcohol and casual sex. I wanted to hold you tight. Tell you that it would be ok. But what did I know? I was stuck. My body was being kept alive, but I was dead.
Oh, they thought that they could save me when I first came in. I was rushed into surgery and it actually was a complete success. But I never regained consciousness. The swelling kept increasing in my brain until finally, the day after Christmas, my parents made the decision to let me go. My brain activity had stopped. By then you were in the hospital too, but were soon to be moved back home. Hospice was going to take care of you.
Your blood type was rare. I know, because mine is too. I heard the doctors tell my parents how the other viable organs in my body could help people. And although they didn’t mention your name, I knew that we were a perfect match. Why else would I have found you? I watched as my mom cried silently after she told me goodbye. My father held on to her tightly, his face buried into her shoulder, softly sobbing.
I was able to stop by your room to see you briefly before I had to go. You looked so beautiful lying in the bed asleep. And then I left, and they gave you my heart.
One year exactly has passed and today is the day that I get to go back and see my loved ones. I was very excited! Of course I had planned to visit my parents first, but I had also hoped to spend most of the day with you. When I got to your house, I was surprised to see another family there. Had you moved? I was frantic to find you. I had to see you. I had to know if you were ok. I searched for a good part of the day, going to every place that I had followed you to. Just as I was beginning to lose hope, it hit me. The park!
The sun was just about to set when I got there. I found you sitting on the wall, just like you had before. But you weren’t you. You were like me, just visiting. I gave you my heart, but you gave it away, somehow. I had to know what happened, so I rushed up to you, eager to finally get the chance to talk to you.
When you looked startled, I remembered. I know you, but you don’t know me. I’m just a random stranger. At your favorite park. I couldn’t really sidle up and say, “Hey, I gave you my heart, why did you throw it away?” It also wouldn’t be ok to say how I followed you around and watched you. You would think that I was some kind of a stalker and wonder if I had seen you naked. The answer, of course, is yes.
So here I am in front of you, the person who I gave my heart to, wanting desperately for you to know me. Because I want to give you my heart again. The love one this time. But I see how you are looking at me and I know that it was just a foolish dream of mine. Of course being dead isn’t going to change the way I look. I’m stuck in this scrawny, pimply, start of puberty child body for eternity and you are a beautiful goddess. At least you are to me.
“This is my favorite park,” I hear you say. “ I know,” I answer without thinking and then immediately continue, “I mean it must be if you are using your one day a year to come here.” She smiled and nodded yes. “So why are you here? Did you used to live in this neighborhood?” I shook my head, “No, but a friend took me here several times. I’m Colin, by the way,” and put my hand out to shake hers. We both laughed. “Old habits die hard,” she replied. “And I’m Julia, by the way,” I caught the joke immediately. Clever. “Promise that you won’t take this as creepy,” Julia looked me straight in the eyes, “but somehow I feel like we’ve met before.” I couldn’t believe that she said it, but she did! She remembered me. Somehow, she remembered me! I was ecstatic! “But that’s just silly talk.” She jumped down off of the wall and waved a goodbye. “Got to get going. The day is almost over and I still have a couple of stops to make.”
I have no idea how long I stood there after she walked away. The lights in the park went on and it got dark. Last Christmas, I gave her my heart. This year, I tried to give it to her again. And I knew that I would continue to try, on and on, for forever.
