Donald Trump’s Actual Wedding Vows to Melania

Note from the editor: Recently an anonymous source provided me the actual transcript of Donald Trump’s wedding vows to Melania. I present them here unedited. Trigger warning: They contain some locker room talk.

My dear Melania or whoever happens to be standing in front of me by the time I read this. I love you for more than your beautiful face. I love you for your beautiful legs and beautiful chest. They’re both tens. Your face is a ten too. Nose is maybe a nine but your lips are an eleven so it balances out. But I don’t just love you because you’re beautiful. I love you because you’re gorgeous. I love you because you’re pretty. I love you because you’re sexually attractive. And young. I love you because you’re young. I’ve loved you since our first date at IKEA. I’ve loved you since that very first time I kissed you without permission and grabbed your… well… you know what. Your pussy.

Some very smart people have told me females want you to talk about their personalities and shit like that. Melania, or whoever, you have the most astonishingly excellent personality. People are always telling me, “She has such a great personality.” Believe me, you have a great personality. You’re quiet. That’s good. When you do speak, you have a cute little accent from whatever country it is I bought you from. Did I mention you have fabulous tits? They’re probably the best part of your personality. Both are tens. I’m going to squeeze them now.

Before I met you, my sex life was reduced to rubble. It was bad. I was living in hell. But I knew I could fix it because I know more about sex than anybody. Believe me. I know more than the porn stars. So I made my sex life great again, because I had to get better. And that’s why I made a deal. I made a fantastic deal with a cyber site and now here you are. I just hope that, as we go forward, you don’t allow me to cheat on you because that would be shameful and you would have to apologize. Anyway, I promise to love you for as long as I possibly can, as long as you stay hot. Okay, now say “I do” and get in the limo.