So You Want to Make a Joke About Ted Cruz And Porn

When Ted Cruz’s Twitter account liked a pornographic video post from another account on September 11th, he presented the world with what could only be called an embarrassment of riches. Since then, about 60% of humans on Earth have offered their takes on the event and you may be feeling left out. However, it’s not too late to make your own Ted Cruz joke, especially if you follow this handy guide.

Step 1: Pick one of the following topics

Ted Cruz’s Twitter account liking a porn video

Ted Cruz’s genitalia

Ted Cruz masturbating

Ted Cruz masturbating on 9/11

The video Ted Cruz chose to masturbate to on 9/11

How Ted Cruz searched for a video to masturbate to on 9/11

What Ted Cruz probably actually masturbates to

Ted Cruz’s first explanation for liking a pornographic video on 9/11

Ted Cruz’s second explanation for liking a pornographic video on 9/11

Ted Cruz’s hypocrisy considering his history of being anti-masturbation

Ted Cruz’s obsession with Campbell’s Chunky Soup

Ted Cruz having the most punchable face in history

Other

Step 2: Pick one of the following joke structures

Classic set-up/punchline

Misdirection

Observational observation

Feigned ignorance

Actual ignorance

Funny photo with serious caption

Serious photo with funny caption

Absurdism

Speculative fiction

Knock knock

Limerick

Popular internet joke structure you don’t completely understand

Other

Step 3: Combine!

Example 1. Ted Cruz’s genitalia x observational observation

“Ted Cruz’s penis.”

Example 2. Ted Cruz masturbating on 9/11 x feigned ignorance

“What exactly was Ted Cruz supposed to be doing on 9/11?”

Example 3. Ted Cruz’s hypocrisy considering his history of being anti-masturbation x knock knock

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Ted”

“Ted who?”

“Senator Ted Cruz here to tell you masturbating is wrong as soon as I finish masturbating.”

Example 4. Ted Cruz masturbating x absurdism

“The song ‘Somewhere Out There’ from An American Tail, but instead of imagining ‘even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star,’ you imagine that Ted Cruz might be masturbating while you are.”

Example 5. Ted Cruz’s obsession with Campbell’s Chunky Soup x speculative fiction

“Ted Cruz kicks the door open. The dangerous men in the room stop their nefarious activities to regard Cruz, none brave enough to move. Cruz spits on the floor and cracks his knuckles. ‘I came here to do two things: eat Campbell’s Chunky Soup every day of my adult life and masturbate,’ Cruz grumbles. ‘And I’m all out of Campbell’s Chunky Soup.’”

Example 6. Ted Cruz’s hypocrisy considering his history of being anti-masturbation x popular internet joke structure you don’t completely understand

“Donald Trump’s excoriating immigrants while his own wife is an immigrant makes him the biggest hypocrite in politics today.

Ted Cruz: Hold my beer.”

Example 7. What Ted Cruz probably actually masturbates to x classic set-up/punchline

“Ted Cruz clearly didn’t like that porn video because it wasn’t about him.”

Example 8. Ted Cruz masturbating on 9/11 x absurdism

“On September 11th, many Jews were warned in advance that Ted Cruz would masturbate. This was clearly an inside job.”

Example 9. Ted Cruz masturbating x classic set-up/punchline

“Ted Cruz masturbating brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘trickle-down economics.’”

Example 10. Ted Cruz masturbating on 9/11 x misdirection

“To honor September 11th, we, as a nation, must never forget that Ted Cruz is masturbating right now.”

Example 11. Ted Cruz having the most punchable face in history x actual ignorance

“Can you imagine how much more punchable Ted Cruz’s face gets while he’s masturbating?”

Example 12. Ted Cruz masturbating on 9/11 x limerick

“There once was a man named Ted Cruz

who offered porn videos boos.

On a very sad day

his gaze went astray

and now we know porn is his muse.”

Step 4: Share your joke with the world.

You may tell you joke on Twitter, Facebook, or any other social media platform. You could also text it to a friend or, if you’re old fashioned, call a friend and tell them. You may want to put the joke in a letter if you intend to share it with someone who is currently incarcerated. Parents of newborns may want to sing the joke as a lullaby to their infant.

Step 5: Never ever ever ever ever check to see if someone else has made the same joke you did.

The reason not to check if someone else made the same joke you made is quite simple: someone already did as well as several more people. This is the world we live in. There is nothing new under the sun and in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes and Ted Cruz masturbating on 9/11.