Kindred Spirits

A fictional take on experiencing loss at a young age.
Chapter One
“Jenna, dear. Please, come and lie down. You need to sleep.”
“I can’t, Nana. I’m not tired. I just want to be with Mama.”
I clung to my mother while watching her sleep, frozen next to her bed hoping I could keep her with me longer. My eyes fixated on her breath, making sure she still had air flowing through her lungs. I watched her lifeless expression fade throughout the night. My fear to leave her side increased as her breath grew faint, her grip in my hand limp. I held it tight hoping she could feel me, know I was there with her and she would fight. “Fight Mama. Please fight. I don’t want to lose you,” I whispered into her ear. I moved closer repeating it over and over again. I’m not ready to lose her. We have so much more to do together. It’s not fair.
I glanced across the bed to the other side of the room. Nana was sleeping just as soundly as Mama on one of the beds they brought in for us. I know this was too much for her and she needed to get her sleep, she was eighty-eight. Nana had been taking care of us for the last eight years. She kept Mama with us longer than she might have been, she loved us so much. She made sure Mama had the best care, treatment, doctors, and provided more than we could have ever wanted. If Mama had not met Nana, or Mary before she made us family, she would have never survived this long and I would probably be in foster care.
I remember when Mama brought Nana home for the first time to have dinner with us. She was so beautiful and I remember thinking she glowed like an angel. She had sparkly jewelry that I thought was like the stars in the sky. It twinkled under her light silver hair that fell to gently touch her shoulders and bounced when she walked. Her smile covered her face and made her light blue eyes twinkle bright. I remember telling Mama that she was a sparkly angel sent to us by Daddy. I chuckled out loud as I thought of that. I think it was because she was dressed all in white, she had a beautiful white dress with small white heels.
I cuddled next to Nana on the couch, showing her our family pictures while Mama had the DVD of Prince Edward Island playing in the background. Mama invited Nana over for dinner so they could watch some travel videos together for her trip to the Island. I was proud to show her my baby pictures. Mama told me everyone said I was a mini Amber. She said I looked identical to her as a baby even to this day. We both have blonde hair, mine is longer and fuller now since Mama lost most of her hair with the chemo. I like to wear sun dresses or jeans and a nice shirt like she did. We both are thin and short with green eyes. Mama calls me her little twin.
Mama came home one day and told me she made a friend who shared a lot of the same dreams and life experiences; she was so excited for the first time in a very long time. She told me how she watched Nana walk back and forth in front of the Travel Agency. Mama was a travel agent back then. She said she paced slowly, nervously in front of the agency, but would stop every once in a while to look at the poster of PEI. After a few minutes of watching this, Mama finally rushed over to the door, went outside, and approached her. She said she had a feeling about her and something told her she needed to meet her.
“Hi, I’m Amber. I work with the travel agency. I noticed you walking in front of the office window and how you stopped at the poster of Prince Edward Island. Have you ever wanted to go there? It’s been my dream to visit there. One day I hope to.” Mama extended her hand slowly out to her, she took it in her hand and they both smiled and giggled.
“Hello, Amber. My name is Mary. Oh, yes. I have wanted to visit Prince Edward Island since I was a young girl. I read all the “Anne of Green Gables” and “Avonlea” books and talked about it to my parents and to my husband, as well. We had plans to go at one time.”
“Why don’t you come inside and I can show you some brochures and other things?”
Mama took Nana’s elbow, walked her through the door, across the agency to her desk towards the back. They walked past posters of other destination places Nana scanned as she followed Mama. There were six other agents that all looked up and smiled at Nana as they passed them. Nana scanned the agency as they slowly moved toward Mama’s desk. She pulled out a chair for Nana and moved around the desk to an office chair across from her. Nana sat up proper, watching Mama while she brought up the website for Prince Edward Island. She turned the monitor so Nana could see it, as well. Nana sat forward in her chair to watch as Mama moved through the many pages of pictures, cruise and train information, travel plans, and various packages. They spent over an hour together laughing, sharing dreams, talking about interests, and getting to know each other. For the first time, Mama had someone special in her life other than me. I know Mama was longing for an adult friend for a long time.
I sat back in my chair by Mama’s bed, holding her hand, watching her, glancing over at Nana, and remembering how excited Mama was for meeting her. If it wasn’t for their love of PEI and dream to visit, we might not have become so close. I was only five years old then, so I don’t remember everything too well before their friendship. I remember a little about my Daddy, but unfortunately I never got to meet my real Nana and Papa. They were killed in a tragic accident while Mama was pregnant with me. Mama was very close to her parents, especially her dad. She was always Daddy’s girl, although she and her mom were very close, as well. She told me it changed her after that so much that she didn’t believe in her dreams anymore.
Mama had her heart broken too many times and until she met Mary, she lived for me. She told me I was her purpose in life, I was her only dream and she didn’t need anything else. That started to change, not in a bad way, after she met Nana because they began to share things that breathed life back into my Mama. I saw my Mama smiling again, laughing, going out and she finally lived out her dream to see PEI with Nana and me. Nana took us a couple of times over there, which is something I will always treasure. My Mama hid being sick from me for years, but I do remember she was sad all the time, cried in her room many times and didn’t realize I heard her. I overheard her tell Nana years later that if it wasn’t for me, she would not have gone on living.
I held her hand, relaxed back in the chair, and watched her sleep. She moved a little, I jumped forward, called out to her, put my hand on her shoulder and leaned forward. I shook as she made some other movements, but her eyes did not open. Her grip fell limp in my hand and her breath began to fade; it became shallow. I watched her closely as her tight body fell into a deeper slumber and the sounds faded. “Oh, Mama. I love you so much. I’m too young to lose you, please stay with me. You can get through this. Please Mama. For me.” I’m so glad we were able to spend my thirteenth birthday together last month. That was such a big deal for both of us. Mama had so many plans for that birthday and we did almost everything; we were happy.
I watched Mama as I relaxed back in my chair again and I noticed Nana was still sound asleep. I glanced back and forth from Mama to Nana comparing how they looked while sleeping. Nana had her coloring, although from the wear and tear of worrying about Mama, it was more dull than usual. She still showed life expressions on her face and had movement that Mama didn’t have any longer. I looked at Mama’s very pale, expressionless face. Her coloring blended with the white pillowcase; Mama always had a clear, bright rosy complexion. I remember when she was happy how bright her face would be. Her smile would create a twinkle in her eyes that glowed like diamonds; blending with the necklace and earrings Daddy had given her for one of their anniversaries. She always wore them. Although they were not as big or sparkly as Nana’s, they twinkled when she moved and caught the glimmer in her eyes when she smiled.
I smiled as I remembered her laughter; it was a unique, soft, giggle that would turn into a louder chuckle as she laughed harder. I loved to listen to her laugh. I remember listening to her sing sometimes when she was in the shower and throughout the house whenever she cleaned. She had so much life in her at times that I almost didn’t recognize her, but I was so happy when she did.
“Mama, you are the best person I have ever known; I am so lucky to have had you for my mom.” I felt the stinging in my eyes as I watched her, but deep down I knew it was coming. I saw her chest become more still as her life faded. I knew she was fighting hard, for me. I knew my Mama loved me and didn’t want to leave me. But I also knew she was tired. She had been fighting hard, harder than anyone I’d ever known, but I noticed it on her face the last few months. I saw how hard it was for her to move around the house, wake up every day, and even eat. Nana and I had to help her dress, bathe, use the restroom, and walk around the house. We got her a wheel chair last year so we could take her out and visit her favorite places, but she was even too tired to go out anymore.
I hurt for her so bad. “It’s ok, Mama. I’m going to be ok. Daddy has been missing you for a very long time and wants to be with you. I know you missed him and your parents; I know you want to be with them. I want to thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for being my Mama…” I saw her flinch, her body shook for a while as sounds came from her mouth; soft sounds, light breaths and sighs, and whimpers that faded quickly. I could have sworn she said my name and that she loved me. I didn’t want to miss anything with her at this moment.
My heart felt like it was breaking into a thousand pieces. I watched my Mama fade into a slumber. She no longer moved. No longer breathed. I fell onto her and sobbed. “I’m going to miss you so much, Mama.” I laid on top of her chest until the nurses pulled me away. Nana ran to me, took me in her arms and we both sobbed holding onto each other, tight. “Don’t let me go, Nana. I’m so scared. Oh, Nana. I don’t want her to go.”
