Living My Dream

Creative Nonfiction about reinvention, rite of passage and living life my way.
Disability forced me into early retirement because after thirty years of working as an administrative assistant, suddenly I found myself in a place that only looked good on paper. My body started to deteriorate from injuries, and what I struggled with admitting to myself, the dreaded aging. Bones, joints, spine — they all began telling me to slow down until they finally put me down. I tried ignoring my physical messages, but could not keep up with the energy and stamina in a career I worked in for over thirty years.
I loved being part of a bigger place, especially working with higher education. Most of my life, the career I held was in colleges across the country, in various departments. They each had different responsibilities and student population that created diverse opportunities, offering me extensive professional and personal enhancement. I actually loved them all and had some very rewarding experiences. They all had their perks, and like any job, their challenges.
Working with students, the campus atmosphere, and the family environment across campus while getting together for games, events and holiday parties — who wouldn’t enjoy that? I have so many memories from the four colleges I worked with that I could write a best-selling book. Memories that included great people and friendships I shared, those opportunities with that I hold dear to my heart. I wasn’t ready to give all that up.
Being a writer was a dream of mine since I can remember. I wrote poetry for family, friends and boyfriends, wrote plays as a kid, and put my fantasies and aspirations on paper in story format. I was inspired by the people in my life and various things that mattered to me. I loved writing about the nature that I found peace in, spiritual connections that touched my heart and soul, and monumental milestones I reached that made a significant impact on my life that I needed to share. Expressing on paper was a way of channeling my inner soul, dreams, and aspirations that made it real for me. I loved watching a story unfold in front of me from a silent place inside.
When I was transitioning from teenager to adult, I decided I wanted to make it official and become a professional writer. I mentioned it to a member of my family who felt I was chasing after a dead end career. “Why do you want to waste time pursuing something that will keep you broke and hungry? That is not a job, it is a hobby. You need to be realistic and seek something that will pay your bills.” So I took computer classes, which was all the craze and promise back then, and decided to start off pursuing an entry level profession into the corporate world. I began my classes, boring to me because it wasn’t where my heart was, and took my first step into my new journey by joining a temporary job placement agency.
My first job was as a receptionist and over the years I moved through many titles ending with administrative assistant. I never made it to management, CEO, or wealth, but had a great journey and met many people that inspired me. It just was not the one placed on my heart. That dream secretly traveled with me, lingering deep in a crevice of my heart, softly speaking to me, trying to get my attention. I was too busy working hard at my job and trying to find my place. I didn’t believe enough in myself to stand firm in a commitment to living the life promising me joy and endless opportunity while doing what I loved. Maybe when I retire.
Years ago when I was in my forties, I decided to go back to school. I applied, was accepted and this time I was only listening to my heart, following a path leading me to my dream job. That was the only voice I heard. Suddenly the silence hollered out from that crevice and got my attention. My first semester I took a class in writing a novel, which eventually I did finish. After advancing my technique through classes, I realized it required a lot of work. So it sits, written, but a work in progress and hopefully one day I will find my way back to it.
I’ve dabbled in many different genres, topics, and ideas that motivated me positively in my new career aspiration. Learning technique, enhancing my skill set and finding my voice were at times challenging, but moved me forward in confidence and drive to make it a reality. I wrote for a school newspaper, was published a few times in a literary journal, and found my voice in coming up with story after story. I have a few projects I am beginning to take serious, such as compiling a book of short stories about relationships of the heart, working on a romance novella, and a memoir or autobiography.
I write for a publication that allows me to express and publish with other great writers. I am part of a team of colleagues sharing our dream, our voice and talent. It doesn’t pay anything, but is more fulfilling than the paychecks I received from years of working in the corporate world. No matter what I had or how much I could do back then, at the end of the day I was stressed out, exhausted, and working for a paycheck. It was what I could buy with that paycheck that I relied on for fulfillment, joy, and achieving the greatness of what I had to offer from doing what I loved. Doing something because I’m told to do it and doing something because I love to do it really makes a difference.
Working with a team of people who are aspiring for the same results and purpose, while supporting each other on our personal journey is the most gratifying workplace. We share an unspoken bond that unites us as family. It is a place I suddenly found myself a part of without even looking for it.
It’s Monday and I had a list of tasks I wanted to complete. I spent the weekend doing what I wanted to do, relaxing and reminding myself that Monday is the beginning of the work week and I will get all these things done. I woke up at eight o’clock, went out to the kitchen, got something to drink and watched some television before I was going to start my list. After thirty minutes I decided I was still tired so I went back to sleep until ten thirty.
I spent time with my mom and son, reading emails and catching up with Facebook. Time flew by and it was late afternoon. “Well, it’s getting late, maybe I’ll just do the list tomorrow.” Then it hit me. I’m retired and I don’t have to punch a clock, report to a superior, run to meetings, answer phones, or follow a devised plan written by someone else just for me.
It suddenly hit me. “I think I’m going to make this a three day weekend and I can.” So I continued looking at Facebook, reading emails, going through a list of things I wanted to write, and watched a Christmas movie. I found myself meditating on what I want to do with the rest of my new life. I spent time with my family, which is a blessing I missed out on while doing the nine to five.
This day seemed to be a day of awakening for me. I finally saw through the fog of what I have to do and obligations to a clear light of day into this new life. One I stumbled on without planning for or seeking. My son reminded me that I am living a life that most people set as a goal for theirs. “You hear a lot of people say they want to retire in Florida, but if you think about it, that’s exactly what you are doing.” He was right. It was as though my eyes opened and, for the first time, I saw my life for what it was. I am living my dream.
I remember always dreading retirement because it meant I was old. Having to retire because I couldn’t do what I used to any longer and requiring a significantly less paycheck made me dread it even more. To be honest with you, I wish I could go to work. I would love to teach at a school, or work with event planning with a non-profit or university, work with a publishing company or so many other things I had planned on seeking once I had my degrees.
I wanted to write in journalism, grants or proposals, or utilize my public relations minor working in event management. I wanted to teach writing to children, or show them how to use it as a therapeutic tool. I had so many sub dreams filtering out of my dream to write that became new goals for my life. I planned on doing what I loved at the other side of my life, but that dramatically changed, and not by choice, causing me to spiral into a dark and scary place. I felt alone and could see no way out.
Life has a way of placing you right where you need to be and at the right time. Even though I could not understand it or explain it, the injury and deterioration of my physical ability brought me to a complete halt and no matter how hard I tried to get past it, it would not let me. I fought it physically and mentally for a couple of years, trying to function in my norm, but was reminded that I am not the same through the actions and attitudes toward me by some of the people I worked with recently. Feeling as an outcast in a work environment I thought I would love brought me to a reality that shook my world, and it terrified me to be a part of it. I didn’t want to feel that way ever again. I didn’t recognize who I’d become and that terrified me as well.
I looked for jobs and my resume brought me some great opportunities, but I knew I couldn’t keep up with it. Too many injuries on one leg, losing functionality of my foot from surgery, and my spinal injury and deterioration was more than I could handle and I didn’t want to feel bad about who I became. This only led me to more stress and frustration.
Recently I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety and depression. It seems like I lost me and while searching for my way back — it just moved me further and further away. Finding a way out became hopeless. I wanted to go back to who I was, do what I knew and be the person I was familiar with. I didn’t want be someone different. I had a plan when I went back to school and wanted that life. But life fought me on that so hard I lost everything. It was hard and sometimes I wonder if I will ever have it back again. I felt broken, abandoned and lost. Suddenly I found my way to a major crossroad in my life.
Surrendering is the only possibility I have now, so I think I will just sit back and be led to where I belong. It doesn’t matter because today, I am accepting who and where I am right now. I felt defeated and suffering from an extreme identity crisis where I wanted to hide from the world outside. Maybe it’s leading me to a time for reinvention, just like renovating an old home.
This is my time to create and discover my new life. No going back, but now a search to new beginnings. Today was a day of awakening for me. Thoughts began to show me what I needed to know about my future and my life right now. I am feeling more at peace today than I have in a long time and it makes me happy. I am living the dream I have always wanted and I just woke up to it. It fell in my lap and began taking me on a new journey, my milestone to reinvention.
I may not have totally enjoyed the way it happened, but I think life had to slow me down so this was God’s way of doing just that. I would not have done this His way. I would be working in another corporate job, or maybe in the wrong place that would only delay my entering into my rite of passage.
So now I have transformed out of a girl complaining about not being able to walk, go out, shop, or do what I used to do into becoming the woman in my perfect place for me right now. I am embracing my new beginning into a life of slowing down, making my own decisions to what I do each day, and writing.
Who knows what else is going to become part of my journey. Whatever my life holds for me, I am becoming it and it will be an exciting one because now I am a retired writer. I am living my dream, doing what I love and being opened up to a world of new possibilities and opportunities. I am being led day by day, one at a time and trusting in Him to take me on this journey. It doesn’t matter anymore when or how it happened, but only that it did. It is my time. Cheers.
