I'm having a very weird evening.

Not only weird from the happenings but also with how I feel right now. 
I confused it for excitement for a split second before I realized what it really is.

Anxiety.

I haven’t felt like this in awhile, so it’s rattling. Nothing I’m not used to but definitely unexpected. I feel so uneasy, though.

It could be a combination of things, but it all roots from someone accusing me of stealing something at work.

The fact that I’m a janitor? Scape goat.

I’m terrified of getting blamed because it so easy to blame me. Something’s missing? Blame the cleaner lady who has access to 95% of the building!

I felt pretty low.

It set the mood.

I heard a song by Witt Lowry (whom I’m obsessed with right now, btw) about drinking to ease yourself. In the song he talks about how his father was a drunk and he doesn’t want to end up like that. That’s basically me and my mom in a nutshell.

I didn’t drink for 27 years in fear of ending up like her. I avoided all substances, especially alcohol. I hated it, period.

Now I do drink occasionally, because I’ve decided I am not her and I can handle myself.

But I still get scared.

Especially on nights like tonight where I’ve run out to buy a pint of vodka. Her drink of choice.

I start doubting myself and questioning. Why do I need to drink? Why did I get vodka? Am I an alcoholic? Am I going to be?

It runs in my family.
So it scares me.

But I went out and bought it and lo and behold, the car runs out of gas at the pump. But I’m broke cause I just spent my last $3 on liquor. I felt ashamed, and embarrassed sitting out there trying to start an empty car and no way to fill up.
A man offered his help, to push my car to a spot, but later ended up buying me some gas. I was shocked. I felt I had no way to thank him and words were useless.

I almost kinda feel like crying, thinking about it.

There are good people in this world. And they find me. And I find them. And we help each other. Where we can.

We could all be like that, a giant family, ready and willing to help anyone in need.

We could but we aren’t.

Despite unloading here, I still feel very uneasy about the evening. M will be at work until midnight and I’m sitting here alone with vodka.

Like damn, like why, why god
Why do I do this again and
Why am I getting so drunk
See my dad was a drunk
I don’t wanna be him, I
I know I’m searching for feelings
I thought I could find them in bottles of Gin
I’m tired of losing my faith
And then looking to fake
To replace all my feelings within

I don’t want to lose myself.