What’s the definition of irony?
I have never felt wanted in my entire life. Wanted for real reasons, not just to be used. I'm very used to that feeling.
No affection growing up. Zilch. I mean zero. No hugs or kisses. No goodnights or good mornings. No lovingly made meals. No I love yous. Nothing. I felt no connection to anyone. I just floated around feeling like a worthless piece of garbage and never knowing why.
I still don't know why.
I didn’t ask to be brought into this universe. I didn’t ask to be ditched by my mother. I didn’t ask for a nonexistent childhood. I didn’t ask for one abusive relationship after another.
I really didn't.
But here I am, sitting on the futon, drinking vodka, crying gentle tears, contemplating my life. Or the lack thereof.
Really, I just have a broken heart. I practice so hard every day to be a decent human being. I really do. I see progress. I feel progress. But somehow they do not. Somehow they have no faith in my development.
Things have not improved, I'm told. What do I do with this information? Because it truly conflicts with how I feel. Am I wrong? Have I really made no progress at all? Am I fooling myself?
I've never felt wanted. By anyone. More like that uninvited guest who nobody knows but everyone treats okay because they feel obligated.
No connections. No real connections.
And, boy that makes me feel alone.
Because I am apparently very bad at reading things. But I really thought that was what could be considered a connection. Like a real connection.
But again, if I'm bad at reading this sort of thing, then of course I'd be wrong about it all. Perhaps I am sitting stagnant in the guise of progress. Perhaps.
So where do I go from here? Assuming truth is spewed from that mouth. What will I do now? I never prepared for this. I never thought what you think.
Your reality truly is different. So very different.
Are we not ironic? Proof of perspective.
I need another drink.