if only blue could be happiness

youre screaming in your head because the world is blue and flat and nothing is real and you cant tell if its you in your body or youre watching a movie and running on fucking autopilot?

youre no longer this person, youre strapped back watching a movie play in your head like your not the one in control, theres someone with a controller in his hand bringing you to where youre supposed to go? you can never tell who the person in the mirror is, only when the feelings arent so consuming or submersive ?? when youre not fucking drowning trying to breathe in a pool.

why am i so numb ??? why is my heart racing ?why is my chest buzzing and my stomach butterfly filled ??? why are my eyes swimming??? why am i like this??? why cant i scream ?? whats HAPPENING ANYMORE

im FUCKING LOST. make it stop for fucks sake please. this feeling in my head wont leave me alone and its consuming everything. my everyone and everything believe im overdramatic and irresponsible and i cant FUCKING handle it

all i can remember from that day is walking into the blue rainy 2d like classroom with my head staring at my feet, nothing else, why cant i remember

why is there a black hole in my mind

why cant i remember the entire time i sat in the shower for three hours, drowning my sobbing in the shower with soft tempos drifting in + out of my ears, my eyes swimming

my head is ringing from that night still


its not like this everyday

its not always as blue, not always as hazy

i can breathe for once on the inbetween days where on the extra good days, im feeling joy and emotion for the first time in two months and i smile genuinely and whole again, not splitting apart at the seams all over

versus the bad days, where im buzzing in my bones and my stomach clenches, my head filling with butterflies and i’m controlled by a madman in a video game with my migraine blooming through my entire skull. the fatigue is filling the space more and more often, im so tired and everythings hazy and blue and its not that person in the reflection again? who is she why are there holes IN MY MEMORY? fuck i cant remember and my eyes are so blurred make something feel real for once please why god please