I used to love going on a picnic adventure at the beach for dinner with my whole family. We would get there around 4 or 5pm and stay until somewhere close to midnight.
During sunset, that’s how the water would look. Beautiful. Calm. Warm. Promising.
I found that the more relaxed and in touch with myself I was, the more the things I wanted were unfolding in front of me. It doesn’t fail. If the only thing I care for is my well being, things fall into places. Period.
It is so easy to get lost. We compare ourselves to others, we overwork so we make believe that our lives are full, we DO so we make sure we have enough money, or so we look good enough for this person/compared to that person. We do because we are driven by our fears.
We do because we have forgotten to BE.
A couple of weeks ago, I went back one of my old ways. I had a massive break down after a disappointment. I live in Los Angeles and though I have some friends, my friends also have their own lives and families to spend time with. I, on the other, don’t have family at all and same goes for the childhood friends. On that Sunday, my plan to go hang out at the beach with my friend had been compromised. I ended up spending the afternoon on my own with now particular place to go.
The first thing I did was to go back to that familiar place that says “No one loves you and no one wants to spend time with you”. That place was my most familiar internal dialogue and was deeply rooted in my childhood. After I decided it was time to stand up from the floor, I did what some women do best post the emotional crisis. No, I didn’t eat a cookie, you guessed it, I SHOPPED! I filled a gap with something completely external and meaningless.
Do not get me wrong, I love the shoes and new pair of jeans I got! Absolutely not regretting those choices. However I still felt crappy for the following few days. I mean really crappy. Still unworthy of love, unworthy of happiness. The sky was desperately grey despite the sunshine.
We are now a few weeks after that crisis occurred and I am so grateful it happened. As the week went on, I had an early session with my coach. I went over the whole thing with her and she listened. I was able to relate what happened and why it happened. Not just that it happened because I did not go to the beach that day but rather I was able to clearly identify the reasons WHY I had felt abandoned, left behind and undesired to begin with.
Once I was able to identify these fears I was able to release them. I haven’t felt that good in a while. An abundance of desirable events occurred in the following weeks after that break through. The wonderful part is that they keep happening to me, effortlessly.
This does not mean that I am done dealing with my fears but it does mean that I was able to identify and to release them just because I was willing to to begin with. Yes, they will creep up again but the more I face them the less they affect me. I am also getting stronger and stronger at not letting those negative emotions eat my energy up for days. You have to learn to accept that you are the vessel to all kinds of emotions. Even though some of them do feel more painful, it does not mean that their nature is bad. They are here to teach you something. Think about it for a second: all these emotions are a part of your experience. Think about it stronger: all these “negative” emotions exist because that is human nature. It is quite wonderful when you really think about it?
You are a wonderful creature gifted with the ability to choose.
I could have decided to stay on the floor, crying, but I didn’t. I stood up, and I took a good look at myself. Until I wasn’t scared of what I saw anymore. That’s where you will find your sweet spot. If you commit to learning, if you are serious about this self-discovery thing we all talk about, you will soon realize that the Sweet Spot is not a legend. You just have to want it bad enough. It is right here, at the edge of Fear and Trust.
With All My Love,
Estelle
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