My “Dirty Secret” As A Nursing Student

I have lasted in my university program for 3 years, but the truth is, I don’t even want to be a nurse.

Let me explain.

My idea of how I want to nurse is different than what society expects of me.

I entered the program with optimism that I will learn how to be a nurse and, enjoy it. Well, that’s not exactly how my 3 years so far has been like. If you read my first blog post on my quarter-life crisis depression, you know that I actually had to take a mental break from it. This year, 2016, had been my “gap year”. I was seriously burned out, and felt major cognitive dissonance, so I had to slow down and take a breather. I had to do figure myself out and get my intentions in order. The consequence of taking a leave of absence from my academics is that I now will have to take an extra year to finish. So, a total of 5 years, instead of the usual 4. (God was teaching me that things happen in His timing, not mine. And that I needed to learn the virtue of patience if I ever wanted to be successful in life). I graduate in 2018, instead of next year, 2017. It’s much like how I took an extra year in high school to boost my marks in order to get in this very program. Funny how history kind of repeats itself.

Actually, I already knew from the start that I didn’t want to be a stereotypical nurse. Being Filipino, we are known for being nurses. I know several people, family friends, who took the same exact program as the one I am in now. I have nothing against the fact. I just have always known that I was different from the rest, and I didn’t want to be just like everyone else. It actually pisses me off when family members, well, it’s just mainly my mom actually, who “jokes” around calling me “nurse, nurse, nurse”… I guess that’s how I know that I’m really not meant to be one, if I feel anger inside whenever I get called that.

I never wanted to fit in a box, or have others define me. There have been many times in my life where I surprise people because I do things out of my perceived character. I’ve always wanted to be true and authentic to myself. Nursing school, specifically clinical, made me feel like an imposter. The very first day I had my clinical placement in the hospital, and had my patient assignment, I already knew that it was definitely not my calling. The resistance and emotional distress was strong and real. My intuition just knew. Intuition does not lie.

So why am I still in the program? Why did I even choose it?

I have thought about transferring credits and switching programs. I’ve never cried so much in my life than I have during nursing school. But, I’m so close to finishing, and I didn’t work this hard and for this long just to quit. Actually, I love nursing school. I love learning about health and life sciences. I’m passionate about it, even. Prior the start of the program, I’ve always been interested in wellness. Human anatomy and physiology, medicine, nutrition, pharmacology, and learning how to care for sick and troubled people was useful and applicable knowledge in everyday life. I have to add that my school and the program itself is prestigious, so that’s another reason for wanting in. It’s competitive. The fact that I got accepted was so validating. I was also aware that by the end of it, I’d be guaranteed a respectable job. Who doesn’t want that?!

It’s not only until recently when I realized that I don’t have to do bedside nursing. Disclosure: I have nothing against hospital floor/bedside nursing – it’s simply not for me, personally. It’s like writing with my left hand when I’m actually right-handed. I just simply didn’t feel “right”, or natural. I had a tough time feeling comfortable in that role. I felt awkward and not myself. Though I was very good at hiding the fact, for the sake of blending in to earn my hours. I have such high respect and admiration towards bedside nurses.

I spent the last 3 years feeling stuck and desperate to leave because I kept thinking, “what did I get myself into? I’ll end up with a job I don’t even like!”. I was ridiculously horrified, thinking that I was going to be a hospital floor nurse, and that’s that. That’s my future. I’m going to hate my job. I’m going to be one of those bitter, miserable people who hate coming to work because their job is not what they love! I’m doomed for a job that I hated… my #1 fear!!!

I researched a lot in my spare time and found that the area where I want to work in is, Public Health. That, I can envision myself doing, and loving. My speciality once I graduate and start working is…Public Health Nursing — nurse educator, health promotion and illness prevention. That is the goal.

I learned that I hate sick-care, and I love health-care. I’ve been there with patients who are sick. Particularly in the medicine floor, patients are frail and bedridden inside their room. In the hospital, people are not the best version of themselves. Duh, obviously. But it just saddens me that they can be living and enjoying their lives out there in the real world, but instead they’re ill and usually accompanied with several other co-morbidities. I don’t want to help my patients when it’s too late. I want to intervene early by educating the masses on healthy lifestyle.

My favourite subject in nursing school was Social Determinants of Health. In this class, we learned about holistically understanding each human being. I’m a big-picture thinker, and I loved learning about all of the various factors that affect an individual’s health and wellbeing.

There’s also Person-Based-Learning (PBL) which everyone hated, except for me. I love it. Again, I’m different. I love brainstorming and mapping out patient care plans. Other nursing students think that it’s a waste of time. That’s where we learn about the interdisciplinary team and how the different healthcare professionals collaborate together.

It was very Dr. House, and like solving a jigsaw puzzle. In this class we discuss the philosophies of nursing, and analyze different patient scenarios. It’s also like detective work — very Sherlock Holmes and deductive reasoning. I love that kind of thing. As a Public Health Nurse, I want to guide people along their path to achieving their health goals, while keeping the social determinants of health in mind, so that they can avoid ending up in the hospital. I want my patients enjoying their lives, rather then spending it in the cold, dark hospital!

As Gary Vaynerchuk said in his recent book #askGaryVee, prevention is “cloud thinking”, a win-win. It’s upstream thinking. By prioritizing self-care, being intentional about your lifestyle choices, you get to live a happier and more vibrant life than those who don’t take good care of themselves. Making your health and wellbeing a priority allows you to do what you love longer!

I want to end this post by mentioning that my motives for creating this “WellBeing WellLiving” thing, and sharing my stuff via Instagram and here on Medium, is because I want to merge my passion for health and life sciences and my creative thoughts and ideas. I hope to bring value to you, my readers, by providing you valuable insights and life lessons from my personal experiences. I want you to be able to walk away with nuggets of wisdom to take with you and apply to your own life. As a beginner blogger, there’s nothing more I want than to hear your feedback! Thanks for being patient with me as I gradually “find my voice”! :)