The Absolute Best Ways to Sink Your Own Ship

Failure tactics that work 100% of the time or your money back!

Sometimes you just get the short end of the stick. Things, legitimately out of your control, show up on your doorstep and you have to roll with the punches.

That’s not what I’m talking about today.

Today, I’m talking about good ol’ self-sabotage, the guilty pleasure of millions (especially those of us who enjoy pouring over self-help articles online — myself included).

Don’t waste your time half-stepping your way to unhappiness and self-imposed mediocrity, let me help you supercharge your decent.

It’ll feel like siccing rabid dogs on yourself. Hard on the body and even worse on the soul. Just how we like it.

Without further ado, here are the absolute best ways to screw yourself over, or your money back.

Don’t give yourself any credit.

Ever. Fall victim to imposter syndrome and allow yourself to believe that you cheated and snuck your way to where you are today.

Become so riddled with self-doubt that you’re crippled and can’t make decisions. Believe that you’re not worthy of success and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Don’t spend time exploring who you are and what you want — those aren’t worthy concerns. Just put one foot in front of the other so as not to mess anything up.

Assume you can read other people’s minds.

When you’re not sure how to take a comment made by a friend, fill in the blanks.

Decide what they meant and draw conclusions based on flimsy things like tone or word choice (especially when reading texts).

Assume the worst, just to be on the safe side.

Act according to your assumptions and don’t ever give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

If anyone delivers criticism, take it very personally. If it’s coming from someone you work with, believe that they’re trying to rattle you or mislead you to take your place.

Or, obsess over small offhanded comments until you find yourself bending over backwards to correct whatever you perceive the criticizer was attacking.

If the criticism comes from someone you love, either take it (too deeply) to heart and act like it’s le fin du monde or attack them in suit by pulling out some dusty skeletons from years ago.

Convince yourself you can never work hard enough. Commit to the grind and put in ceaseless hours to reach some standard of completion only you can define.

Measure your worth by the number of cups of coffee you’ve drank or the hours you haven’t slept or the social engagements you’ve missed because you were too doggone busy.

Beat yourself up for not checking every item off your to do list each day. (Believe that you’re nothing if you don’t have to have a to do list.)

Deny yourself any grace for not reaching your ill-defined, overly-ambitious goals. Compare yourself, constantly, to others who have what you’re sure you lack.

Photo by Al ghazali on Unsplash

Work alone at all costs. Never consent to working in a group setting. Become saturated with fear and mistrust of others.

Become assured that your ideas are superior and avoid new ideas or perspectives. When forced to work among others, reserve your ‘best’ ideas to yourself and make it as obvious as possible you’d rather be on your own.

Everything is a competition and you can’t win by collaborating.

Don’t take care of yourself. You don’t deserve it and you’ve got more important things to do.

Favor your job over yourself. Or your relationship. Or really anything that’s not you. Don’t ever put your well-being first in line.

That means don’t keep commitments or promises you made to yourself. Don’t take yourself to the gym. Don’t go to the doctor.

Don’t spend time on things that will enhance your knowledge, bring you peace, inform your sense of self or allow you to grow in anyway, shape or form.

Spend your money on alcohol or meaningless trinkets.

When you do drink (which should be done to excess and preferably alone) make sure to not even grant yourself the basic respect of a seatbelt in the back seat of the Uber. Or heck, just drive yourself home.

Roll off your couch in the morning, throw on an old shirt you probably should’ve replaced a couple years ago and act like nothing’s wrong.

Don’t ask for help. This is crucial.

Do not, under any circumstances, ask anyone for help.

Come to believe that needing help means you’re weak. Avoid revealing to anyone that your life is anything but sewed up tight.

The faster you’re sinking the more important it is to stay strong and avoid showing any cracks.

Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash

Feel like you’re completely at the mercy of the world. If things are going south, don’t, for a minute, question your half of things.

Don’t take responsibility for your actions, your emotions, your decisions.

You are a paper cup blowing in the wind and completely powerless to control your outcome.

Not considering the big things that none of us can truly overcome, just the small day-to-day choices we all get to make. Yeah ,those aren’t actually in your control.

You are not the pilot of your own life. You never have been. You never will be.

Even and especially for the little things- if someone cuts you off in traffic, lash out and bemoan the world. If someone says something that upsets you, blame them for the intense emotional response you deliver. Do not take responsibility under any circumstances.

And there you have it folks. Sink your ship in record time with just a few easy changes. I know from experience how potent any one of these methods is. Just give it a shot and watch your life resemble a trash fire in no time flat!

-CAUTION- Reversal of these tips will undoubtedly result in greater life satisfaction.

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