Estora Adams
Jul 24, 2017 · 3 min read

Knowing How To Be Alone

Why it’s the key to true love.

Until you become comfortable being alone, you are robbing yourself of the prospect of ever finding and feeling true love.

This proclamation is a pretty ballsy one, I know. I’ve spent a fair amount of the last week (and random days in the past) pondering it, and I’m going to own it outright now. A person really does have to find a certain level of comfort existing on his or her own in order to experience love with no hold out.

I am head-over-heels in love with my husband and have been for over 20 years, but first I learned that life existed and could be wonderful when I was all by myself. I could find a job and a place to live. I could get the power turned on and the cable up and running. I could buy or not buy insurance. All. By. Myself. Okay, maybe my mom helped some, but I did the footwork. I paid the bills — on time. I did it all. And in a time before the internet! (Yes, I’m ancient.)

When my hunny finally came along, I almost missed him because my course was set, and my eyes were on the horizon. But when he did come along, I chose him because I loved him, not because I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid of an empty bed or bills that couldn’t get paid or Friday nights on the couch with only a pot of chili and a movie to keep me company…or boredom, or loneliness. I loved him and chose him for a million of all the right reasons.

The dirty little secret about successful longterm relationships is that every day you wake up and you choose that other person one more time — sometimes you do that a few times a day.

If you never find a way to be comfortable alone, sometimes that decision is made more out of a fear than love, and then you’re cheating both of you. Choosing to give in to fear, a piece of you will always wonder if there’s something or someone better. You’ll always be wondering if your partner is doing the same. You’ll hang on long after all of that spark is gone between you, and you’ll tolerate things from the other person that you might not if you knew without a doubt you could make your own way in life by yourself.

I see so many people afraid of being alone — of loneliness — those just dating for the first time, widows and widowers, divorcees, and everything in between. They always make me sad because I know that whoever they find to fill that void will be a stopgap, duct tape on a psychic wound, and I know they’ll never quite experience what it’s like to choose and to be chosen.


If you got a little something out of this post, please let me know by tapping the green heart below. You may find more of my musing on my website estoraadams.com, on Facebook, and on Twitter@estora_adams.

Written by

I am a poet, a novelist, a photographer, a painter. I am a wanderer, a rambler, a soul in a tempest. Follow the winding course of my words@ www.estoraadams.com.

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