“Lost, Lust, Shame, Sin” — is not supposed to be the title. Now it is.
It’s actually…Lost, Lust, Fuck, Shame, Lust, Lost, Shit, Sin because that’s how I was over the last few weeks or months or probably years (though it’s so subtle, that I’m not hyper aware of it — I’m aware but it’s like I don’t give a shit about it ). Now it’s slowly creeping up like a fucking train wreck…like a disease that started out with a simple sneeze, became a cough, progressed to pneumonia and now I have a fucking lung cancer — just like the people who are heavy and frequent smokers — the funny thing is that, I don’t even smoked that long — I didn’t smoked AT ALL! (Or so I thought).
How did this happen? It’s one of those What the Fuck moments?! Who am I? Where did this come from? Is this normal? Is this part of “growing up?” No way, coz I’m already 22 years old, this is supposed to happen to me 5 years ago or something. Am I stuck? Am I still in the growing up stage or am I a late bloomer? Or am I not getting enough love (romantically) that I turned to lust for comfort?
It started out with a few dirty thoughts…then it became pleasurable, then it led to more than just touching or kissing…it, of course eventually led to “love making” — then sex…then dirty sex, then exploration of the fucking vagina and penis. Then I got so wet deep inside that it eventually ended up in porn…light, medium then hardcore porn. Now…I’m one of them. Doesn’t matter how I was…I ended up doing the same fucking thing like all rapists, adulterer and sex addicts who ever lived. Damn, I never thought I’d go down in history with those (literal) motherfuckers.
Oh Lust — I hate it but I love it. I love it but I hate it. Fuck. I’m fucked. I want to get fucked but STD/HIV doesn’t sound good to me, so I’d rather just be a spectator, silently watching, silently letting my imagination run wild, silently enjoying my orgasm on my own, then fucking feeling angry at myself afterwards…but I know deep inside I let it happen, I gave permission to this motherfucking demon.
I know can’t stop it if I want to…the problem is, sometimes — no, most times I really don’t.
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So this is where I will begin, I’m a lady in her 20's, a virgin, a “writer” and apparently as you now have read can be considered a motherfucking sex addict or a lustful bitch or something in line with those things…
This will serve as my therapy, writing truthfully about my “dark side,” and channeling my energy towards documenting how I got the demon, fucked and fight with it, and hopefully defeat it. So at the end, I can say, “I walked straight through hell with a smile” (and probably with some white fluid hanging up my ass).
Downloading…Seeding…Finished. Let the orgasm begin.
“Mona Lisa” is the supposed title.