Loyalty in Friendship: A Dead concept? An Unnecessary Concept?
I’m not sure what your friendships have been like. I am talking to you women between the ages of 18 to 25, college educated, complex, traumatized, going through all the processes of becoming an independent adult. You will be the ones telling our stories, creating our art, promoting our narratives and passing down our wisdom to those that come after us.
I’m not sure how your friendships have been like but if you’re like me you’ve probably, at one point in your life, sought out meaningful relationships with other women. You may have established these relationships early in your youth or like a late bloomer as myself, come into them further in your young adult life. Whatever the case may be, you have encountered a female friend or friend group.
If you’re like me, a November Scorpio with none of the actual attributes described by most astrological charts except for this: I am an uncompromisingly loyal person to the women I consider my friends. Throughout my childhood to my late teen years I did interact with my female peers but I never truly developed deeper connections beyond the superficial chit chat at lunch time or at the games played during recess.
As I got older, after crisis after crisis, the desire to establish bonds with women other than say my mother and sisters, escaped into my daily broods. Eventually, as time and the universe fused, this goal of mine became real. Finally, I was surrounded by women (and men) who, in my mind would remain in my life for years to come.
I coveted the idea that finally if I married I would actually have bridesmaids. Going out also didn’t have to be a lonely ordeal with limitations placed upon where I could go. As I got to know these women, I became much more invested in their persons. I became much more defensive when the men I knew relayed certain unsavory stories about them to me. Fiercely loyal, the problems we faced — -the arguments constructed to maim my already crippling self-esteem, the unintentional and willful disregard of my beliefs, the inconsistencies in their regard for me — — shook me but never caused me to stop seeing them for who they were and what they had done for me.
They had swooped in and cradled me in their circle when isolation threatened to break down my mental livelihood. At times, their kindness restored bits of my dwindling self-esteem. My loyalty was with them because to me they weren’t living in this antiquated dichotomy of black and white. They were multifaceted, meaning that while they could exhibit negative traits such as getting angry or responding with coldness, they were also more than capable of displaying positive ones. After the ultimate breakdown of our group, I began to think about why we separated.
The question of loyalty bounced around my head. I wondered if loyalty in friendship has become a dead or unnecessary concept? To all the women who have maintained friendships with other women for 5 plus, 10 plus and even over 20 years, what’s your secret? To the women beyond the millennial generation and even for those older millennial women on the generation x cusp, what can you say about female friendships. Because for my generation, I’ve witnessed women crippled by past friend relationships, their minds (or hearts) becoming hardened to the notion of opening up. #nonewfriends No longer are we in the era of defending our friends in every and any situation. #rideordie No longer are we truly invested in our friends. We are busy. Always busy. Too busy for say Friday night margaritas or Tuesday night tacos.
But it goes beyond that because though we’ve approved of loyalty to ourselves, our needs, our times, our schedules, our habits, our goals and whatever else, that loyalty to others takes a back seat. If we don’t agree with one friend we simply cut them out. #blocked
Loyalty isn’t just a blind following of someone. Loyalty has been construed into something ugly because at times those that are loyal stick to others with narcissistic and even deadly demands. We remain loyal in marriage or to our careers though these relationships come prepackaged with more than just promised bliss.
In my youthful idealism and growing up on television shows and movies depicting the prototype for great friendships I picked up on many lessons. One that particularly stands out and a theme or motif I saw was this: in every show with the framework revolving around friendship, no two friends possessed the same personality. From the cartoon Recess to the aptly titled Girlfriends to even just Friends, every character brought in a unique perspective. And throughout it all they somehow managed to remain loyal to each other.
Maybe this discussion goes beyond loyalty and delves more into the understanding and acceptance of others. Maybe my focus should be more on talking about understanding people who do not fit your immediate idea of what a friend should look like. We all see this concept circulating with people talking about cutting of individuals in your life who don’t, for example, have the same goals as you.
All over social media personalities advise individuals to seek out those that are like minded. If you want to be successful then surround yourself with others with the same end goals. And in theory that makes perfect sense. But couldn’t the counter argument be that as people who want to be successful (whatever that may look like to you) shouldn’t we be secure in who we are that even if we are among others who do not necessarily look like us, or think like us — -couldn’t we still be fueled by our drive for success?
If a shark is taken out of the ocean and placed in an aquarium for example, does that shark devolve into anything lesser. Yes, they are no longer free to roam about in the expanse that is the Pacific, however, as typical behavior, normal humans would never dare to enter their spaces. All the physical attributes and cultural understanding of the shark would remain unchanged.
I truly want a best girl-friend with similar experiences as I. It makes life easier. However, I welcome others with a different perspective. As a November Scorpio I will always remain loyal in my friendships because I understand who I am and what I have to offer. Grounded in my own reality, I am ready to experience those that are different from me.
