If Ramadan had a Santa, there would be two. Auntie Nada and Uncle Khana. Nada’s name being a reference to the Spanish word for nothing and Khana being a reference to the Urdu word for food.

Auntie Nada’s shtick would be to ride a flying carpet to your house, come down via the chimney, and take away all your food at dawn, so when your kids asked, ‘Why aren’t we eating today?’ you could be like ‘Auntie Nada took away everything; but just wait till Uncle Khana comes to town!’ And when the kids asked when Uncle Khana would come, you could make up all sorts of things like, ‘He will come after you clean your room.’ Or, if you were feeling apocalyptic, ‘He will be one-eyed and riding a donkey.’ But in the end, Uncle Khana would come everyday right at sunset.

Being too hefty to ride a carpet, he would instead commute in a six-tired riksha bedecked with jocular phraseology on the back, like ‘Frandship me?’ and ‘Mother’s Prayer is the Whisper of Paradise.’ People would love Uncle Khana more, but also kind of love Auntie Nada too, because its only when she comes first that he follows. Uncle Khana would have the ability to change into different cultural attire depending on the race of the people he was visiting. He would also have the ability to change cuisines with a snap of his fingers.

One day it would be revealed that Auntie Nada and Uncle Khana were actually the Prime Minister and President of your country (wearing disguises) and all this time you thought they were religious figures they were actually colluding with American hedge funds to sell your excellent morning meals to traders in Japan, while giving you cheaper food at dinner they purchased from an artificial foods factory, and using the net profits to buy houses in Switzerland.

Then they would open a think-tank, which would be called, ‘We are the voice of the voiceless’ where they will support carpet-bombing all the people they stole from and one day you would look back at your life and be like, did that really happen? And some of you would be like, ‘This wouldn’t have happened if there was a Caliphate.’ And some of you would be like, ‘This wouldn’t have happened if we were more secular.’ And some of you would be like, ‘I don’t care if Auntie Nada and Uncle Khana were evil, I love them still.’

Happy Ramadan.