I act like I have it all together, but you know I’m full of shit. My version of “having it all together” basically means I’m alone. All of the time. I accomplish what looks good in the version of perfection I pretend to care about. But really all I have is worthless if I don’t have you. No matter how much I accomplish, or how much I drink, I still go to sleep alone. Even though it’s a great song, I don’t believe all alone is all we are. We choose to be alone. We make it that way. I know I did.
I’m here to tell you I want to take it back. All of it. The empty rooms, waking up to nothing, saying goodbye. I don’t want to be without you. You are the only person I ever truly knew. And I want you back. All of you. The tear soaked pillows, the Sunday morning caffeine talks, the smile that broke the clock. If you won’t leave me, I won’t leave you. Just give me one more chance to prove it.
I remember you sitting next to me, telling me it was all going to hell. You had enough of pretending you were “fine,” “okay,” and “feeling good.” You were none of those things, and you were sick of hiding it. When you came to me, I didn’t know how to help you, and it destroyed me. What good was I to you if I couldn’t make it all go away? I didn’t understand that no one could. All I could do was listen and tell you I loved you and that I’d never leave. I did the first part, but I fucked up the rest.
I do love you, you know. I just don’t know how to say it. I couldn’t say it, because I sealed myself off a long time ago. I was only a contemplative observer who kept my distance. I didn’t even know how to connect anymore. I had spent so long shutting out the people who didn’t matter, I couldn’t remember how to let in the ones who did. So when you opened up your hidden self before me, I retreated further away like the coward I had become.
You should know you are already more together than I’ll ever be, because you let yourself be wonderfully and completelyuntogether. You put it all out in the open, brilliantly raw and bloody. I envy you. Even though you put your pain on the block, you put your heart out there too. Love should be wide open, but I sealed off any love I had along with the rest of myself.
I am trying to be less of who I was and more of who you deserve. I want to be present for you, to be awake for you. I will tell you what I mean and show you I am breakable too. The hardest and best part is admitting it. So please, don’t leave. Don’t give up just yet. I’m ready to open up to you like you did to me. First, let me warn you, what I have to share might not be “fine” or “okay” enough for anyone else. But maybe it will be messed up enough for you. I’m not interesting or bold or free. I’m afraid. I’m lonely. And I’m nothing without you. I just hope I’m not too late.