i am my own home (i)

jo evelyn
jo evelyn
Sep 4, 2018 · 3 min read

“I like being alone. I like drinking tea alone, and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone. It gives me time to think, and set my mind free. I like eating alone, and listening to music alone. But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad.”

my friends like to ask me, “what? you went to cinema alone yesterday?”

and i answer, “yeah. two movies, marathon. after that i ate at restaurant alone.”

they’re surprised. me too, because i think everyone do that sometimes. hanging out alone. eating, watching movies, even if this city isn’t lack of museum or art center, i’d probably go there by myself.

and that’s the start of it all. “you really need a boyfriend.”

at first i’m unchanged.

i enjoy spending time alone. even though i’m a shy and awkward, i don’t mind walking around on my own in a crowded space. i always know what i’m looking for. i’m full of preparation.

“today i’m going to watch this movie, then go to bookstore (just in case, if i find an interesting book or magazine), then go to this sushi restaurant and order their infamous curry rice. before going home, i’ll buy bubble tea.”

i don’t get jealous if i see a couple along my way. or some high school girls laughing out loud together. or a brother accompanying his sister shopping.

i drive my own car everyday. that’s a privilege, for not every parents can afford their kids to buy car. but for my parents, it’s more about independence. no need to bother other people. my family has used that principle since i was a kid.

when i was a kindergartener and my mom was an internal medicine resident, she had night shifts three times a week and left me home with my dad. i did not shed a single tear.

when i was on fifth grade, i started taking public transportation after school by myself. at home, i was all alone. my mom worked in another city and only came on weekend, my dad wouldn’t go home before 6pm, my grandmother was gone a year ago (i wasn’t that close with her). i cooked my lunch alone, if there was no leftovers. usually just instant noodle or chicken nugget. then i watched disney channel or read comics and take afternoon nap until my dad came home. that year, i started sleeping alone too.

probably that’s why i don’t mind being alone. i used to do things alone.

for me, it’s normal. an everyday routine. for some people, it’s weird. i surprise them. they surprise me.

why do you need friends to watch movies? watching movies is an individual activity. why do girls need to go to toilet together? you will be okay if you go alone. why can’t you eat by yourself? you can watch movies or read books or just simply scrolling you timeline while eating so you won’t be too bored.

at first, i’m so full of my own thoughts. i am unchanged.

second, i am not.