Ummm. Hello?

Penned (Rather Tapped) While Waiting to be called to Jury Duty

There’s no rush here.

You’ve got to wait until she’s ready. Justice ain’t the prettiest date, but you turn her down and you’re shallow. Be the good guy.

She said pick her up at 8, but 8 has come and gone.

Do what you can to pass the time.
Write a poem.
You got something better to do?

Inhale.

Wait, remember that really important prepaid, non-compensated, English as a second language, neighbor of the defendant, financial hardship that hit you as you were crossing the street and resulted in feasible transportation from where you want to be to the court…


“Is that a what’s-a-ma-whosit or are you just happy to see me?” Image Source: https://flic.kr/p/o5ovb3

The first time it happened I just thought it was weird. The second time it happened within just a little over 24 hours, I knew my penis was definitely to blame.

I had a short trip planned for work. I’d fly out in the afternoon, stay the night, work the next day, and fly out that next night. I just barely had to pack a change of clothes and had a real feeling of pride when I made the decision to pack along some dental floss. With just a backpack and some flip flops, I figure moving through the airport and on and off the planes will be a breeze.

I pack my things in bins to pass security for the first leg of the trip and wait to be prompted…


Unfinished Business

Unfinished Business

He tapped his fingers on the dashboard.

Tap-Tap-Tap Tap Tap-Tap.

Friday evening traffic was at a dead stop in both directions. The clock blinked.

4:45.

Horns echoed and dominoed down the long line of cars, tensions building in the low, evening sun.

“Oh shit,” he said to himself. “I’ve got to finish this.”

He slammed his foot down on the gas. The back wheels spun in place and squealed on the hot pavement. Smoke began to rise around the car as it twisted back and forth.

The wheels gained traction and he blasted towards the shoulder…


Laser Tag Lair

Laser Tag Lair

Grand Opening of Laser Tag Lair — 1987

The Lyon Family Grocery was headed for bankruptcy. With the big box store opening down the street about a month before, there was just no way for the small time grocers to stay in business.

The dumpsters behind the building began to pile high with unsold, expired food. The store was becoming a money pit.

The three brothers who ran the store were pressed to come up with an idea to save the family business, and fast.

“What are we gonna do?” Bill Lyon, the oldest…


Behind Paleo Lines

Behind Paleo Lines

It was my lunch break when I got a first hand taste of the Vegan-crazed frenzy that was sweeping San Francisco.

Ever since that documentary came out, things were getting pretty weird. Though, at first, I didn’t pay too much attention to it. I didn’t even see the stupid movie. I didn’t really care.

I walked a few blocks down to my favorite burger restaurant. I don’t think I noticed at the time, but nearly everyone I passed was barefoot. They had this gigantic burger covered in heaps of pastrami and Swiss cheese. I’d…


The Life & Death of Christofer Phitzgerald

The Life & Death of Christofer Phitzgerald

On the day of his death, Chris Fit stood with his chest puffed and a cow femur behind his back facing down a 50-man squad of the Mexican army.

The Mexican army men stood shoulder to shoulder with their guns drawn, fanning out from either side of a large tank.

“My name is Chris Fit! I’m leading a resistance force against the Vegans in the East and the West. My forces are strong, but I insist that the great country of Mexico lend me that tank.”


Revised History 2: Da Vinci’s Time Travel Legacy

Revised History 2: Da Vinci’s Time Travel Legacy

France — 1500s

In Leonardo Da Vinci’s final days he began developing the most significant scientific work of his time. No one, not even his favorite and final pupil, Francesco Melzi, knew about what would become the biggest silent breakthrough of human history: time travel.

Da Vinci was confined to bed up until his death and — at his own request — was left alone for most of his final hours. Though at night, from outside the house or in the hallway, candlelight flickered…


Revised History 1: Overly Honest Abe

Revised History 1: Overly-Honest Abe

Curtains closed as the audience proceeded to offer an almost obligatory, courtesy applause. The play, The Apostate, was wholly unsatisfactory.

Patrons shuffled out of Ford’s Theater in Washington, D.C. on that crisp evening on March 18th, 1865. …


It was late autumn — a little over a year before I got mixed up in all this, actually — the perfect time for a science-y documentary with high-production value to do well in theaters, especially in the States.

French archeologist, Jaques Perduex, alongside reknowned American documentary filmmaker, Jack Perdo, were making headlines for their latest discovery. Rave reviews came from nearly every major publisher praising the film.

“A groundbreaking piece of art and science that is sure to inspire everyone who sees the film,” one review said.

“Who are we and where did we come from? For me, this…


8 o’clock rolled around this Thursday night, just as it did every Thursday. Self-obsessed, materialistic fatties switched on the televisions with their greasy fingers and sunk into their dirty Cheetos-stained thrones all across America. Some watched the news, some watched sports, but most were tuned to the new reality television craze that swept the nation. These people loved their reality. Their lives were too boring, too mundane. They drooled over the strife of their fellow man. They rooted for drama, for confrontation, so the producers had to give them what they wanted. More. More sex. More violence. More VIOLENCE. It’s…

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