A Few Questions for the GoT writers after Beyond the Wall

Ethan Shone
Aug 23, 2017 · 4 min read

Okay guys, there’re a few things I really need to get off my chest. Times like this make me realise the internet is truly the greatest invention of mankind because, without it, I’d have to like, write you a letter, or something(?) rather than just allow my confusion to spill forth onto this blank page before sending it out into the world and, hopefully, to you.

Firstly, it seems kinda odd that just one of that little group of wights the heroes chanced upon survived after Jon killed the walker, doesn’t it? Convenient even. Come to think of it, seems pretty damn convenient that they managed to find a small group of the undead separated from the rest of the army at all, considering every other time we’ve seen them they’ve just been one big mass of ice-zombie.

Also, you’re really going to tell us the guy who can engulf his sword in flames on demand just allowed himself to freeze to death? I know someone had to die — us bloodthirsty viewers require weekly sacrifices — and Thoros was a pretty fair choice all things considered, but why not just have him die when the bear chewed him up? Come on guys. Hey whilst we’re on the topic of flaming swords, what’s with the flaming swords? More specifically, why is nobody more amazed by Beric and Thoros’ ability to just magically summon fire?

Also, how fast does Gendry run? And how fast do Raven’s fly? Or alternatively, how long were our heroes sat waiting? Because either

A/ Gendry would straight-up dust Usain Bolt in a footrace AND raven-mail is approximately as fast as e-mail;
OR
B/Jon’s A-Team were sat on their little rock for several days, just hoping Dany and the dragons would eventually show up

then you’re absolutely taking the piss, to be honest.

Unlike some, I’m prepared to buy into the idea that Jon & his misfit army managed to hold off the undead army for as long as they did. They’re all total badass warriors and the wights are pretty useless. You get a pass on this.

What I am absolutely not prepared to accept, however, is that after fighting for as long as he did — in heavy armor and a load of pelts — and being dragged underwater for what must have been minutes — still in heavy armour and a load peltsJon managed to re-surface and then found the strength to drag himself out of the icy-cold water.

Do you remember those swimming lessons where you had to wear pyjamas, and it made it loads harder to just tread water or whatever? I know you do, Game of Thrones writers. Now, imagine doing that but instead of your Power Ranger PJs you’re wearing 60kg of plate metal, a moose hide and you’ve spent the last week or so(?) running through icy wastelands fighting zombie bears and zombie people. Imagine instead of just trying to float on the surface of the lukewarm pool water like a bit of pre-pubescent driftwood you’ve got to shake off a couple of gnashing skeleton-soldiers and then haul your exhausted body — still wearing heavy armour and a load of pelts — out of the sub-zero depths and onto the ice.

That is what you’re asking us to believe.

What is this, fucking Titanic? Get on the damn horse Benjen! I’m just not accepting that he didn’t have time; in the time it took him to say “there’s no time” he could have literally just jumped on the fucking horse. And okay, maybe I’m wrong on this next part as I don’t have a whole load of experience with horses, but with Jon unconscious on its back, would the horse just know where to go?


PS. If you get any more ideas about killing off Tormund Gianstbane then so help me god, I will find you. Not so much a question as a threat, that last one. A promise, even.

)
Ethan Shone

Written by

Journalist & Writer — Journalism in Vice, The Overtake, Rantt, Loot + more — Fiction in Flash: The International Short Story Magazine, Flash Fiction Magazine +

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