As Time Goes By…

Ethen Kauiers
Aug 27, 2017 · 3 min read

It’s the most bizarre thing to sit here, in the same body that first learnt to walk, talk and run, quietly reflecting that it’s the same two eyes that went through all those experiences and is still going through more.

Fascinating…

The same two eyes which looked out in wonder as all these weird and wonderful happenings began to culminate in an ongoing reel of a experiences, so called ‘my life’.

And I’m still seeing through the same eyes, watching at whatever’s happening in front of me.

Fantastic really…

But what get’s me stuck sometimes is my role — or rather the role I believe I should be playing as 26-year-old me. Older me.

The eyes begin to see something else…

The version of myself where by growing up is necessary — taking on responsibility, developing and assessing life goals.

Achievements, by which for whatever reasons will lead to satisfaction; ease, fulfillment that I’m ‘doing it right’. Finally.

The eyes are confused by what they’re seeing though…

Seeking a greater sense of satisfaction; that somehow, by these new actions and activities I participate in as a person, “I’m going somewhere”. I’m doing life ‘the correct way’.

The way I originally planned…not really.

The eyes want to believe what what they see…

But in order to be doing these things to get me ‘places’, I need to be ‘acting’ or ‘playing’ up this alternate version of myself. This version of me who says ‘yes’ to the right things, ‘no’ to people, places, activities which aren’t ‘getting me to where I need to go’…

So the illusion begins to create delusion…

The provocation of anxiety around circumstances I felt trapped within.

My ‘character’ subject to hardships, turmoil. Tragedies, like being in a play.

‘Little me’ being battered around, by events out of my control, and dark nights driving somewhere, walking home with this sense that things are closing in; I am the victim.

The delusion is imminent…

But within the venture into illusion, something halts me.

It’s here I’ve begun to catch myself, although not always with such diligence and calm.

Somewhere, somehow, something rings out.

The ocean within, having begun to froth back and forth through the turmoil I’d been subject to… it had somehow, suddenly began to sooth.

Until, through the breathing and easing of tension, the ocean had returned to a state of mirror translucence.

And here, having returned to an original, undisturbed state, synchronicity begins to permeate.

A drop which sets the liquid surface of my being into a rippling state of reflection.

Intuition…my return to quiescence…

An awareness and attention to my state, ringing out that I’ve wound myself up in a set of circumstances I may not have initially intended for. Circumstances where by I feel trapped in the ‘movie’ of my life.

Permitting these abstract mumblings, I begin to collect myself from anxiety…stress. Some bizarre pressure that had held itself over me slowly lifts. Relative to the mental constructs I’d created, the heaviness from each begins to dissipate…

Synchronicity seemed so far away…but it never is…

Simple realisations, ‘reality checks’ ebb into a surrendered receptiveness. The ease of breathing calmly, soothing into tranquility permeates the stiff, rigid aspects of my defences…a hand guiding a readied-sword to it’s sheath…

Events which threw me, fought with me, challenged my version of reality — becoming understood, or not even; integrated into my essence. My human.

Circumstances no longer binding me in a cocoon of hopelessness. Or so it always seems.

And so through these eyes, the mind begins to shine through again…

Light begins to shine through again…

The eyes begin to see the beauty again, which they’d always been privy to, no matter the misconstrued events perceived. No matter the ‘drama’.

All that which seems ‘all consuming’ and ‘all terrible’.

Battling with ones mental state always seems like some futile endeavour, like there’s no way out. But this in itself is an illusion.

You don’t have to let it harden into delusion.

Let your eyes continue to take it all in.

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Ethen Kauiers
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