I’m actually in a relationship right now, and have been for over two years, and I still feel like I’m terrible at it.
The problem boils down to this: I’m lazy.
In the first few months of my relationship, my boyfriend and I had a conversation during which he called my friendships “bare minimum”. And he was right.
My friendships require very little maintenance. We don’t talk everyday, see each other a few times a year, and send texts on holidays with the occasional random call for a “Giiiiiiirrrrll, let me tell you…” story. That’s pretty much it. My friendships weren’t built this way, of course, that’s just what they became. I have had the same friends for half my life. I either know them from high school or from the neighborhood I grew up in, meaning we spent A LOT of time together in our youth. We literally grew up from teenagers to grown women together. They are my chosen sisters.
We all went our separate ways after high school, made new friends, and had different experiences. Sometimes, we didn’t keep in touch as often. But when we all found ourselves back home in Philly, we picked up right where we left off. The love was never lost. It wasn’t even questioned.
Those are the relationships I value most. We don’t have to constantly show that we love each other because we know we love each other. And when it really matters, when it’s time to show up, we are there for each other without a second thought.
There’s security in that kind of relationship. It’s not fragile. And I’m just recently realize how much of a cornerstone that kind of relationship is for me. I move around in life knowing for a fact that certain people have my back, no matter what.
Maybe it’s my friends’ fault that I suck at relationships. Maybe if they didn’t just accept me as I am and love me for it, maybe if they made me work harder to start and maintain a friendship, maybe if they misunderstood me better so I’d have to explain myself more, then I’d be better at relationships. Maybe I’m just spoiled.
In romantic relationships, I’ve noticed how important the aspect of friendship is to me. The issue is that my friendships were built over many years and have sustained many life changes, and they are still standing. I don’t really give romantic relationships that kind of time to develop.
My problem with relationships is that I expect things to progress naturally and feel good most of the time, with minimal effort. I feel like when two people come together and decide to be together, of course there will be bumps in the road initially because you’re trying to fit two individuals into one unit. But I get irritated when I can’t fit ALL of myself into the unit. Maybe that’s selfish. But I don’t think so. Because I want ALL of the other person in the unit, too. Let’s both squeeze in and see if we can make it work. That’s the ideal relationship for me. You accept all of me, I accept all of you.
The reality, however, is that there’s compromise involved. Sometimes your whole self doesn’t fit in the relationship. Sometimes, you may have to leave certain parts of yourself outside the relationship to accommodate parts of the other person. This is the root of my suckiness in relationships.
I am an accepting person. I know the limits of my power and control, and I accept whatever is outside of those limits. That includes other people and their personalities. I like to be presented with the full, unfiltered experience so I can accurately gauge my level of interest. Anything else reads like manipulation, even if its benevolent. If you don’t truly let me see you, how could I ever truly love you? And if you only want to see certain parts of me, I will never feel like you truly love me, or even know me. And to be known, felt, heard and seen in a relationship is non-negotiable.
We all have our undesirable traits about us, but I accept mine and everyone else’s. I observe and analyze, and if I’m really not feeling what I’m seeing, I will dismiss myself from the situation. My detachment game is strong so letting people go isn’t difficult for me. I’d rather change my position than try to change another person. Maybe that’s the reason I get so enraged when I feel like someone is trying to change me. It feels unfair.
Relationships demand consistent effort and commitment to another person and their feelings. As someone with intense emotions and emotional cycles that I work hard internally to maintain, it is draining for me at times to have to spend some of that effort on another person. Again, that might be selfish, but I don’t think it is because I don’t expect anyone else to help me manage my emotional turmoil. It’s not theirs to manage. Which brings me to another issue.
My hyper-independence. I am reluctant to take on the emotional burdens of others, honestly, because I don’t want to mismanage them. I don’t place my emotional burdens on anyone else because I don’t want them mismanaged. Basically, I feel like if it’s about me, I know best. And on the flip-side, if it’s about you, you know best. So let’s just let the best person deal with the issue.
It could be that the underlying emotion here is fear. I am afraid to hurt someone by not being the person they need, and I am afraid to allow someone to hurt me in that way. In the past, I have opened up to people and shared parts of myself that were later thrown back in my face or completely misunderstood or mischaracterized, and it reinforced the idea that I only really have myself and my already established close friends to depend on, where my emotional safety is concerned.
Maybe I’ve spent so much time building up my emotional defenses that I’ve become oblivious to what goes on outside those walls. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I genuinely feel like it’s not my responsibility, therefore, I’m not enthusiastic about it.
This combination of serial detachment, hyper-independence, and emotional insecurity makes me a terrible girlfriend, on top of other undesirables like not being as domestic as I would’ve hoped I was by this age. The fact of the matter is that I’m lazy. I cruise at the bare minimum because I’m satisfied with it. I don’t approach everything with a “must win” attitude, I don’t try my best and give 100% every single day, and I don’t concern myself with other people’s issues. I pick up steam and become passionate when the moment calls for it, but I don’t live my life that way all the time. I be chillin.
My boyfriend is a lot different than me in these ways because he’s ambitious, dedicated, disciplined, and principled. With me, he’s attentive, he cares about my emotions and actively seeks to understand them, and he makes my happiness a priority.
I am grateful for him, however, it puts me in a tough spot because on one hand, yes, that’s how it should be. On the other hand, it makes me feel deficient because I’m expected to do those things for him too, but I’m already doing them for myself. So now both of us are focused on me, and nobody’s focused on him. And that’s not cool. Nobody wants to stick around for a one-sided relationship.
I’m trying to grow up and be a better woman, both in general and in this relationship specifically, but it’s hard. It’s hard because it’s not natural for me to have or really even desire this type of interdependent companionship. Someone needing me? That’s not my child? Yuck.
That’s a terrible way to feel, isn’t it? I don’t like being needed (not regularly, but I’m on call for the random one-off). I’m only interested in being desired, understood, and accepted.
But I’m learning that there’s more to life than just me and my feelings, and yes, I have to engage with that stuff, too. Especially if I want to maintain a healthy relationship. I just wonder if I’ll ever actually be good at it.
