Basic “Can You Watch My Stuff?” Agreement

Nolen Gertz
Jan 26, 2014 · 2 min read

This Basic “Can You Watch My Stuff?” Agreement shall evidence the complete terms and conditions under which the parties whose signatures appear below have agreed. Writer/Student/Artist/Important Person, _____________________________, shall be referred to as “BATHROOM USER” and Friendly-Looking Stranger/Non-Headphone-Wearing Student, _____________________________, shall be referred to as “STUFF WATCHER.” As consideration for this agreement, BATHROOM USER agrees to rent/lease to STUFF WATCHER the following “stuff” (circle all that apply): Laptop, Smart Phone, Headphones, Messenger Bag, Screenplay, Novel, Poem, Doodle, Wallet, Keys. STUFF WATCHER agrees to rent/lease the above listed “stuff” from BATHROOM USER for use solely as a protector of the above listed “stuff” while BATHROOM USER is in the bathroom of the premises located at _____________________________________________in the city of __________________________________.

1. TERMS: STUFF WATCHER agrees to remain in place for ____ minutes with at least ____ % attention paid to the “stuff” of BATHROOM USER. This agreement shall commence on _____,___ and continue until ____ minutes longer than is socially appropriate for going to the bathroom. Thereafter it shall become a minute-to-minute protectorate. If STUFF WATCHER should move from the table prior to the expiration of this time period, he/she shall be liable for nothing except the impotent rage of BATHROOM USER.

2. PAYMENTS: “Thanks” and/or other gratitude are to be paid at such place or method designated by the BATHROOM USER as follows. All gratitude is to be made by words but head nods shall be acceptable. BATHROOM USER acknowledges expectation to later become STUFF WATCHER for STUFF WATCHER with the same rights and liabilities hereto agreed upon.

3. ENTIRE AGREEMENT: This Agreement constitutes the entire Agreement between BATHROOM USER and STUFF WATCHER. No oral agreements have been entered into concerning reading of screenplays or willingness to enter into small talk pursuant to BATHROOM USER’s return, and all modifications or notices to that effect shall be in writing to be valid.

4. RECEIPT OF AGREEMENT: The undersigned have read and understand this Agreement and hereby acknowledge receipt of a copy of this Basic “Can You Watch My Stuff?” Agreement.

STUFF WATCHER’s Signature ___________________________________________________


BATHROOM USER’s Signature ___________________________________________________


In lieu of a WITNESS, BATHROOM USER designates (circle one) a barista, a librarian, a police officer, a deity, a gypsy curse, an irrational belief in karma to serve as GUARANTOR of this Agreement.

*Not legally-binding.

    Nolen Gertz

    Written by

    Author of “The Philosophy of War and Exile” (Palgrave, Sept. ‘14) | PhD, Philosophy, New School for Social Research | Visiting Asst. Prof., Pacific Lutheran U.

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