Would Trump Let Trump Into America?
Would Donald J. Trump qualify to be an immigrant to the United States of America under the proposed parameters of the RAISE Act?

Yesterday, TIME released a rather interesting—and equal parts depressing and infuriating—online quiz for readers to see if they would/will qualify to emigrate to the United States of America under the proposed RAISE Act. In case you’ve been in an understandable blur of confusion and nausea under our current reality, let’s review that. The RAISE act is the shiny new lump of ill will and foolishness that has come out of Trump’s Oval Office—a legal immigration bill which experts expect to halve the American Dream for those who, like many of my closest friends, my father, half of my grandparents, and all of my great grandparents—aspire to be part of the United States of America while originating abroad.
TIME’s handy quiz, entitled “Find Out If President Trump Would Let You Immigrate to America”, lets you fill out a simple seven question quiz to see if you would meet the parameters to score 30 or more American “Merit Points” to get your brand new American visa. Some of the ways you can skip ahead of the line include a Nobel Prize or similar award, Master’s and Doctorates in STEM specialties, or having a metric f-ton of foreign money to “invest” in “America”. Personally, I get screwed at the Master’s degree step, as my MFA in Animation and Digital Art is apparently not useful to an administration which has no greater joy than making up fictitious bullsh*t for people to swallow. Also, I’m currently freelancing and trying to sell a movie, so I don’t think I can reward myself any extra “job offer” points. So if I wasn’t already born here, I’d come up with 28 points out of 30.
However, the real fun of this quiz isn’t taking it for yourself, it’s taking it for others. So I will now offer you my attempt to take the test for one Donald J. Trump, to the best of my emotional, biased, and completely unscientific knowledge. So here we go:
Question 1

Donald is a 70 year-old toxic man child with the emotional maturity of someone 1/20 his age. So he gets 0 points here. If we were to use his emotional age instead of his literal age, he would be 12 years shy of eligibility to apply.
Question 2

Despite qualitative evidence to the contrary, Trump graduated from Wharton with a BS in Economics. This is not to be confused with his current trend of generating BS about economics. #puns
He receives 6 points for the degree.
Question 3

While English is—with absolute certainty—the only language that Trump has any command of, it would be criminally fraudulent and disingenuous to rank his speaking and reading ability as higher than moderate. Congrats on another six points, Donny.
Question 4

Sadly, Donald’s current position offers a $400K salary as well as free room, board, and state funded healthcare. +13 points.
Question 5

0 Points. Next question…
Question 6

Again, 0 points. If it was possible to grant negative points, this would be a clear place to do it. But since there doesn’t seem to be any provision to that effect in the bill, we arrive now at our finale…
Question 7

Now I know what you’re thinking—Isn’t this parameter the exact one designed to let oligarchical parasites (as well as theoretical “legitimate investors”) like Trump himself into our little carnival of earth ending horrors? And while the answer is most definitely “yes”, I have a strong argument for why the answer here should be “No”.
And failing that, I also have a shallow, pedantic, and annoying but technically accurate argument for why it should be “No”.
First, the strong argument: Donald J. Trump has already cost America (and multiple business partners) money and continues to cost America money while historically attempting to shift all financial risk off of himself. The history of doing this includes 6 bankruptcies, several likely (though alleged) decades of not paying taxes, a six figure tax funded salary, several defunct casinos, a Ponzi scheme that he claimed was a university, and hundreds of unfilled executive positions causing thousands of hours of lost work and productivity, not to mention millions of dollars not entering the economy on the part of payment not made to those vacant positions. Considering all of this, Trump should be considered a net loss of several million dollars or more to America and its people. Donald Trump has only ever invested in Donald Trump and related Trump© Brands (i.e. family members). By this logic, he should receive 0 points.
But let’s for a moment consider that Trump’s supposed “business investments” would be considered as such. This brings us to our shallow and pedantic reason why Donny-boy would fail. Unfortunately for Mr. Trump, he holds assets primarily in the form of or directly valued in American dollars. As per the questions outlined by TIME, this would fail to qualify as “foreign currency […] for a new commercial enterprise”. So, by what I’m alleging are all two possible ways of understanding this question, Mr. Trump would fail to receive any additional points.
That brings us to the end of the questioning. Let’s see how our immigration candidate did…

Tough break, Donny! But by even your own highly ridiculous system of measurement, you lack the merit to be an American.
However, this absence would leave a major opening in America’s bureaucracy. I have heard that Donald Trump himself has alleged that one Barack Obama—a statesman highly regarded on the international stage—is, in fact, despite record of American birth and an American mother, a foreigner. Furthermore, he is a Nobel Laureate with fluent command of the English language. This already accrues 37 points, making for one hell of an opening gambit! And while I have heard reporting that people who are allegedly foreign born and people who have already served two terms as President of the United States are not eligible to hold the office, I have also heard many highly placed government officials claim with great confidence in recent months that all information you disagree with or dislike is #FAKENEWS, so I don’t foresee this being a problem.
