Airports are great, flying is awesome

Lift off! Next stop: pleasure

Can you think of any experience more tailored to pleasure, than that of travelling by plane? Everything, from food to people is simply sublime. Just thinking about going to airports gets me off. It’s like the best kind of sex. Hard and un-consensual.

A intrinsic, or dare i say, artistic value presents itself as soon one enters the majestic aiports. A living Jackson Pollock painting reveals itself before the eyes. They used all the colors, rendering the game “spot the gate” unparalleled in fun and excitement. Ge-ni-us.

Once you reach the security check you know you’re at home. Shoes off, friendly people, whats mine is yours. I always give them my $6 bottle of water. They need it more than I do, for they are patriots and I am but a simple man.

My favourite part

The restaurants, the duty free, the shopping! I buy me some Ray Bans, a Lacoste puffer vest and a Ermenegildo Zegna scarf. Time to dine like looking like a king.“Double Whopper menu and a Chocolate Fudge Sundae, please.”
I’m thinking of getting that Breitling watch too. Should I? John Travolta looks pretty cool with it.

Oh snap, my gate is calling! Next time. Should have thought of that earlier. Well, thats what i get for not having a watch, silly me.

Standing in line. People are patient, respectful and just plain nice.

We board the plane. I’m always lucky to have little kids around me when i fly. I seriously love kids. They are our future!

Flying is a blast, despite my bottom getting a little sore after a while. But thats what i signed up for. Can’t have good coitus without getting a little rough around the fanny is what I always like to say!

And then they begin the pampering. First they serve us some divine coffee flavoured water. After that they bestow upon us a heavenly tiny sandwich and a muesli bar! You guys! I already ate but i’ll have it anyway! I’m such a hedonist, i never know when to stop!

This is where you see the amount of care they put into everything. I don’t know how they do it, but they must have worked really hard, i mean really went out of their way to find the driest piece of cheese and bread available on the planet. They know were flying to a cold place so they want to charm us with a souvenir from the hottest place on earth — the desert. And boy did they do it! The sandwich even tastes like it spent a week in Sahara. And the musli bar literally turns to dust in my mouth. I am speechless.

Landing a better man

As we land, three people clap. I do miss the old days, when the whole plane cheered for the miracle of flight. But nostalgia keeps me warm. I bleed from the nose. Just a little pressure, it’s ok. It’s just all so exciting. 
We all stand up at the same time and take our bags. I do like it hard. People are neat.

This is where I start feeling a little down. I know it’s going to be over soon. Sure, there’s the baggage launcher area, but after that it’s pretty much over.

Nice, my bag was last! Yes! I got to be here 45 more minutes. I knew i was lucky, but this. I mean, this is just …

I come home and i see that security left me a little note inside my bag. How did they get in there, the rascals!

It says:
“You’re bag has been inspected to protect you and your fellow passengers.”

I shed a tear. It’s empathy like this, that inspires me to be a better person.

I salute you, noble knights of altitude!

Your biggest fan,
Vlad


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