¨A Poem Before Bed¨

It´s quiet now…
Night has fallen.
I sit alone, in this room,
And I am just stalling…

I guess that I´m waiting
To just fall asleep
In this darkness so void…
Sanity is so hard to keep.

I want to shut off the voices
That speak in my head…
I remember hearing once
I should make them like me instead…

But I don´t want them to,
Because it´s not deserved.
Everything it says, mean or not,
I feel I deserve every word.

Why else would they say that,
The voices in my head…?
Why would my mind allow me
To live by falsehoods instead…?

At least in the darkness 
I can hide my scars away.
I can put on a smile,
Pretend that I feel no pain.

And no one would be able
To ever tell the difference.
In the end there are so few
Who even bother to listen…

I am told all the time
To never be ashamed.
To wear my scars with pride,
Because they are not to blame.

But often I think 
If my life had been different,
I wouldn´t be where I am now
And might still feel like a parent.

I might not miss him so much,
Because I´d still see him every day…
I might never have known
What it felt like to have him taken away.

And love would not hurt so badly
That I wan to cry at night…
And maybe then my dreams would not
Make me want to get up and take flight…

But maybe this is all there is,
It sure is all I have ever known…
I found a few who bent the rules,
And made me feel like I could do it alone.

In the end, though, 
I am not that strong.
Although I keep trying…
Trying to hold on…

It´s my bonds with others
That keep me going.
Without all my loved ones, 
There would be no way of knowing…

I just get so tired,
So exhausted and weak…
I want to give in sometimes,
And then I think of those cheeks…

That smile, and laugh,
Those eyes, and that heart.
Losing him was bitter,
More bitter than most tarts…

He is the reason that I
Get up every day.
He is the reason that I
Choose to stay…

Even though I am tormented
Every single time I think…
I could not ever love someone more,
Even if I was on my brink.

I am just so tired 
Of feeling all alone…
I just want to finally have 
A place to call home…

© 2017 Savanha Brook

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