An open love letter to British English

Because idioms never fail to delight

To be out of biscuits

  1. To have nothing planned for a Friday night and ending up alone at home with beers and crisps, watching porn out of boredom
  2. To be desperate for sexual intercourse after not having one for months

To drop the scissors

  1. To leave a useless meeting you didn’t want to come to in the first place, normally along with saying something mean and slamming the door
  2. To actually drop the scissors

To bake one’s roses

To put on large headphones and a grumpy face to give people a hint that you are not really willing to neither hear them speak, nor to speak to them

To step on a brisket

To make an inappropriate comment about your colleague in front of a lot of people a second before realizing that she is standing right behind you

To kiss a watermelon

To come to a Tinder date full of hopes and expectations only to find out that the other person looks nothing like their pictures, but they’ve already said hi to you, so it’s too late and awkward to leave

To water the octopus

To nervously check your phone without any particular reason during a date that you’re desperate to get out of without feeling too awkward and uncomfortable

To lose one’s broccoli

To forget where your desk is, what your job is, what’s your manager’s name, and what company are you working for after a really good long vacation

To play the trumpet

To pretend to have an unusual hobby which occupies most of your nights and weekends in order to both impress people with how vivid and rich your life is, and to have a good excuse for declining invitations to events and parties which are too boring to attend

To pet a black sheep on a full moon

To have sex with a (male) stranger on a first date and have him propose to you the morning after

A Ukrainian salad

  1. An unusual-looking dish on a buffet table which everyone is hesitant to try, so that it stays untouched until late into the night, making the person who brought it feel horrible and secretly eat it alone in the bathroom
  2. A messy screw-up in the accounting books which is followed by the CEO going to prison for tax fraud

To chop one’s onions

To call a friend who is presently with some other friends and casually ask what they’re doing; wait for an invitation to join, then apologize and say that you can’t come

Chinese New Year

  1. When a new HR intern accidentally sends a spreadsheet with everybody’s salaries to everyone in the company
  2. Saturday, January 28, 2017

To tickle one’s spider

To smile at a good-looking stranger on the subway hoping that they’ll smile back, and to immediately look elsewhere when they do; then to avoid them until either of you leaves the train

To hug a corgi

To have a pleasant friendly conversation about food, weather, and vacations over free drinks with people from work whose names you don’t remember (and to whom you wouldn’t ever talk being sober)

To lick the lizards

To start talking about the other couple with your partner right after a double date is over, sharing your observations and comparing opinions for the rest of the night

To bite the bishop

To start coming up with fake English idioms and posting them on social media in a desperate attempt to become famous