This feeling.

Alright. I hate to be the bearer of a bad blog but here goes nothing.

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself for the past year at least, we could argue it’s been longer. Possibly for years. But not (that’s me standing up for myself)

Its really only been this year.

I wanted to touch up on depression. It’s either that or feeling sorry for myself. I’ll call it depression.

Yes moving to Washington has been hard on my body, mind and spirit. Or just moving because I moved here a year ago and then left for about 5 months and during that 5 months is when it hit hard.

Before that 5 months you could say I was delusional. Or in other words, depressed before I could face reality. Or that moving to Washington hit hard.

I feel and am experiencing a body that has no sense of freedom or relaxation. I feel confined and encased in a cell of punishment because of idk what. Where I live or something else.

But the network matters apparently. Hello network. What if I wasn’t meant to get along with the man my mother chose to be with?

How was I suppose to prepare ?

No. I dont love him. I dont love this situation. And obviously I just dont want to live here.

Is that depression? You could argue that.

Or I just dont want to live here.

How. Do you break away from your own family ?

The question is what is family. If they’re foreign then it shouldn’t be that hard.

So moving and starting over is tough. But this is far more than just tough.

Today I will go in to see a doctor. I can only hope that I’ll get the help my whole being so desperately needs.

I went into this office about a year ago. I was fine then. Maybe not to the office or to the people here, but I felt fine at the time.

I was working and enjoying work. My presence though may have been hard on my loved ones and that part I couldn’t fully grasp until now.

I initially went in for a regular prescription. But it wasn’t a good visit last year. And now my condition has turned into a real problem in my life.

I feel completely out of control of my own body. Much of myself feels lost.

I speak to only those who I live with. My bubble is small. But that’s ok. Small ecosystems are good and they can be healthy for our environment.

I believe everybody plays an important role in life and I also believe that each and everybody is doing the best they can. I’m proud of the people I know and can communicate with.

But my world is different. I hope so.

(I would hate for anyone to be experiencing this pain)

Its poison in my head. Its dirt feeding off of my thoughts. Its negative thought patterns spiraling out of control. Its insecurities like none other. Its fear beating me down. Its screaming this constantly.

But its ok for some of the time. During others its bad. It’s become such a problem that I no longer want to be in the house I sleep in for fear of it continuing on its course.

The sad part and hard part is that I have no one to say this to.

So I’m hoping I can let this out to another human. And I’m hoping it does stop. Because I’ve never experienced pain this deep before. Its affecting my health by ten fold.

My relationships simply no longer exist. Even when I try to reach out to friends and family, it’s been an extremely stressful and anxiety filled conversation. My energy is low. Normally when I smile it’s because I’m filled with sarcasm.

I’ve turned into different people. One day I’m this person and another day I’m another person.

I forgot who I used to be, because being the old happy me I used to be doesn’t seem like an option.

I want to get better. I know it takes time and I know I will.

What I can say is this: this is a rough patch, and although it does feel like it’s one of the worse times I’ve experienced that’s simply not true. These times have occurred before and I’ve dealt with them then I’ll be able to deal with them now.

Next time I wont let it get as bad as it has and I’ll have more control of it. But hard times happen.

And you just deal.