Things My Depression Says to Me
- featuring a special guest star: My Anxiety
Most of the time, when I tell people I deal with depression, I wonder what they think that looks like. Do they imagine me curled up into a fetal position unable to do anything for long periods of time? That wouldn’t be too far from reality, during the darker moments. Do they think that maybe when I get depressed I just stare off into the distance while others try, without success, to get my attention? Not quite, but also close.
Actually, I wonder if they imagine what my brain sounds like. The physical part of depression seems like the most important sometimes — if you can get out of bed, you must not be THAT depressed right? If you are always laughing and smiling at work, you must be fine right? Her, depressed? She’s the most cheerful person ever. If you shower every morning, get dressed, do you work and generally make it through life, you must not be depressed. It must not be THAT bad.
I get the sense that many people have questioned my depression and anxiety. Well, what EXACTLY happens?
A better question: what does it sound like? That answer, to me, is a better explanation than anything else. In no particular order, here are a few of the things my brain has said to me over the course of fighting depression (and anxiety, a relatively new diagnosis) for years.
PS if you laugh at some of these, I have too. Sometimes the rational side of my brain realizes how ridiculous and mean they are, too.
- You’re not good enough.
- Did you think that (insert activity here) would make you a more skilled person? Still not good enough.
- So-and-so is better at (insert activity here) than you are.
- Hey, good job on that thing! Don’t get excited though. You’re still not good enough.
- Did you remember to grab your keys? No? Because you never remember anything. How do you even survive most days?
- You’ve made a mistake. Proof you’re not good enough.
- Remember that other time you made a mistake? Let’s think about that for a bit.
- Remember this painful memory? Let’s stay there. It was awful and things will always be awful. One day your partner will leave you. One day your family and friends will turn on you. Don’t get comfortable. Always keep your guard up.
- Why should you try again tomorrow? You will probably get the same result. Someone will let you down again. Something will go wrong again. There’s nothing you can control, so just give up now.
- Let’s talk about all the things you have going against you, that’s a great topic. You’re brown, you’re a woman, why even try.
- If you give up on your dreams now, if you stop creating — no one will care. You aren’t really anybody.
- Remember all the big things you can’t fix? Let’s talk about how you can’t fix them. Especially how you can’t change the past. That’s a great place to start. And how you can’t fix anyone’s health. And how even if you had a million dollars, you probably couldn’t fix all your family problems.
- Did you turn off the stove? Maybe the handle moved a little. And your house is on fire. And you will have to go to your mom’s and live off her. And you’ve failed everyone.
If you made it this far, here are some of the things I say back to my brain:
- I am worthy.
- One mistake isn’t the end of the world.
- I have people who care about me.
- Like my therapist said, being on guard in case something bad is going to happen (instead of being happy in the moment) is a terrible mindfuck.
- The STOVE IS OFF.
- The past is the past.
- You seriously need to calm down, brain. It is NOT that big of a deal.
- I’m good enough.
