World Leaders Play Settlers Of Catan

Trump: I’m orange. Orange is the best.

Putin: Good for you. I choose red for the motherland.

Jinping: I wanted red.

Netanyahu: I’ll be white.

Jinping: Fine. I’ll be blue.

Trump: Do we have an expansion pack here? I heard they make islands. There’s like, a lot of water in these expansion packs. Big water. Ocean water.

Jinping: Yes, I brought an expansion pack. I am an experienced island builder.

Trump: Did I say expansion pack? Did anybody hear me say expansion pack? No? No, Xi, I didn’t think so. Ok, we don’t need your expansion pack. Ok, Xi?

Putin: Calm down, Donald.

Trump: You know what Vlad, don’t tell me to calm down. Only do that when Bibi is not paying attention.

Netanyahu: Roll the dice, Donald.

Trump: Thank you, Bibi. I am placing my settlement here on the ore, because I love clean coal. This is for my people in West Virginia. They love clean coal like you love the West Bank. Do I have any West Virginians here? Ok, no, because they’re dying of opioids. Ok, I place my settlement here in honor of my West Virginians. I will then place my wall going this way.

Jinping: Ore is not coal, Donald. Ore is iron. And that’s not a wall, that’s a road.

Trump: Xi, don’t tell me this isn’t a wall. I invented walls. I am like the king of walls. I know a wall from a road, Xi.

Jinping: You’re right, Donald. A wall can also be a road. We have one called the Great Wall.

Trump: And you’re about to make another wall great, Xi. The Mexicans are going to pay you for it. You’re about to #MAGA.

Jinping: I have no time for your wall. I’m busy with one road and one belt. Bibi, your turn.

Netanyahu: I don’t like settlements. I will build a city here instead.

Putin: That’s against the rules, Bibi. You must build a settlement before you build a city.

Netanyahu: Well, if I build it on this corner, Donald agrees with me that it should be a city. I will skip my second settlement. This is a one city solution.

Putin: That makes no sense. Bibi, do we need to talk about this?

Jinping: I want sheep.

Donald: No you don’t. You want wheat. And I have wheat. Lots of wheat. So much wheat. And corn.

Jinping: I don’t need wheat or corn. My people eat rice. I need sheep.

Netanyahu: We have those.

Jong-un: Hello, Dotard.

Trump: Who let him in? Was that you, Xi? Speak English, Kim. Donald, not Dotard. Ok?

Jong-un: I have been speaking English.

Trump: I speak English, Kim. I speak. Do you know present tense?

Jong-un: Do you know present perfect continuous?

Trump: What did you say about a perfect present, Kim? Is that a threat? Are you threatening me?

Jong-un: I…

Putin: Calm down, Donald.

Jinping: Kim is here with me.

Trump: Xi, for every wheat I give you, you will now give me two bricks. Ok? Ok, I know you have brick, Xi. You need to deal with your Little Rocket Man, and give me more brick, Xi.

Jinping: Donald, he is not a Little Rocket Man.

Putin: Comrades, I am playing a development card. Knight. Largest Army. Two Victory Points.

Netanyahu: It’s not your turn, Vlad.

Putin: It is my turn. And now I will steal your sheep with this robber.

Netanyahu: Faked you out. I have no sheep.

Trump: Fake news! I expected more from you, Bibi.

Jinping: I will build the longest road with brick and wood. Two victory points.

Trump: Wall, not road. I will upgrade my settlement to a city. In the USA, we love cities. This city is sitting on clean coal. I will name it Pittsburgh.

Putin: Ore, Donald.

Jong-un: Boom.

Jinping: Quiet down, Kim.

Trump: What did he say? Did he say boom? Little Rocket Man, don’t make me show you fire and fury. Xi, I am cutting you off from trade.

Putin: Distracted you. Ten victory points. I win.