World Leaders Play Settlers Of Catan
Trump: I’m orange. Orange is the best.
Putin: Good for you. I choose red for the motherland.
Jinping: I wanted red.
Netanyahu: I’ll be white.
Jinping: Fine. I’ll be blue.
Trump: Do we have an expansion pack here? I heard they make islands. There’s like, a lot of water in these expansion packs. Big water. Ocean water.
Jinping: Yes, I brought an expansion pack. I am an experienced island builder.
Trump: Did I say expansion pack? Did anybody hear me say expansion pack? No? No, Xi, I didn’t think so. Ok, we don’t need your expansion pack. Ok, Xi?
Putin: Calm down, Donald.
Trump: You know what Vlad, don’t tell me to calm down. Only do that when Bibi is not paying attention.
Netanyahu: Roll the dice, Donald.
Trump: Thank you, Bibi. I am placing my settlement here on the ore, because I love clean coal. This is for my people in West Virginia. They love clean coal like you love the West Bank. Do I have any West Virginians here? Ok, no, because they’re dying of opioids. Ok, I place my settlement here in honor of my West Virginians. I will then place my wall going this way.
Jinping: Ore is not coal, Donald. Ore is iron. And that’s not a wall, that’s a road.
Trump: Xi, don’t tell me this isn’t a wall. I invented walls. I am like the king of walls. I know a wall from a road, Xi.
Jinping: You’re right, Donald. A wall can also be a road. We have one called the Great Wall.
Trump: And you’re about to make another wall great, Xi. The Mexicans are going to pay you for it. You’re about to #MAGA.
Jinping: I have no time for your wall. I’m busy with one road and one belt. Bibi, your turn.
Netanyahu: I don’t like settlements. I will build a city here instead.
Putin: That’s against the rules, Bibi. You must build a settlement before you build a city.
Netanyahu: Well, if I build it on this corner, Donald agrees with me that it should be a city. I will skip my second settlement. This is a one city solution.
Putin: That makes no sense. Bibi, do we need to talk about this?
Jinping: I want sheep.
Donald: No you don’t. You want wheat. And I have wheat. Lots of wheat. So much wheat. And corn.
Jinping: I don’t need wheat or corn. My people eat rice. I need sheep.
Netanyahu: We have those.
Jong-un: Hello, Dotard.
Trump: Who let him in? Was that you, Xi? Speak English, Kim. Donald, not Dotard. Ok?
Jong-un: I have been speaking English.
Trump: I speak English, Kim. I speak. Do you know present tense?
Jong-un: Do you know present perfect continuous?
Trump: What did you say about a perfect present, Kim? Is that a threat? Are you threatening me?
Putin: Calm down, Donald.
Jinping: Kim is here with me.
Trump: Xi, for every wheat I give you, you will now give me two bricks. Ok? Ok, I know you have brick, Xi. You need to deal with your Little Rocket Man, and give me more brick, Xi.
Jinping: Donald, he is not a Little Rocket Man.
Putin: Comrades, I am playing a development card. Knight. Largest Army. Two Victory Points.
Netanyahu: It’s not your turn, Vlad.
Putin: It is my turn. And now I will steal your sheep with this robber.
Netanyahu: Faked you out. I have no sheep.
Trump: Fake news! I expected more from you, Bibi.
Jinping: I will build the longest road with brick and wood. Two victory points.
Trump: Wall, not road. I will upgrade my settlement to a city. In the USA, we love cities. This city is sitting on clean coal. I will name it Pittsburgh.
Putin: Ore, Donald.
Jinping: Quiet down, Kim.
Trump: What did he say? Did he say boom? Little Rocket Man, don’t make me show you fire and fury. Xi, I am cutting you off from trade.
Putin: Distracted you. Ten victory points. I win.